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Today, I couldn't find my key so I sat against the wall to wait for my roommate to get home. I fell asleep. When I woke up a few hours later, I could hear her inside. She chose not to wake me up and let me in. FML

by e / 12/02/2010 at 4:24am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up excited to go trick-or-treating, the treat being candy. Instead, my town has officially postponed Halloween due to blackouts. I guess this is where the trick comes in. FML

by anonymous / 10/31/2011 at 3:11pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at work, I mustered up the courage to talk to a cute girl. I asked her name, to which I replied with mine and that it was nice to meet her. She followed up with a dirty look and the fact she hates anyone with my name. FML

by I'mMike / 08/01/2015 at 4:19pm / United States (Florida) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend picked me up bridal-style to carry me to our bed. As he carried me through the bedroom door, the dog ran between his legs and sent us both crashing to the ground. FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2011 at 5:46pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, my young son swung a plastic pipe, it makes a kind of whistling sound as it spins around. I was standing a little too close, luckily it missed both my legs, but hit my happy sacks full on. FML

by Dr_Dolittle / 01/12/2010 at 10:27am / United Kingdom (Merseyside) / Kids

Today, I dropped my car keys down the elevator shaft at my dorm. I had parked my car at a parking meter, and now had no way to get change out of my car. It took six hours for someone to get my keys, and I now have a $75 parking ticket. FML

by Lea / 03/16/2010 at 9:31am / United States (Ohio) / Transportation

Today, I was verbally abused by a guy in a 4-wheel-drive twat-tank for listening to music on my iPod while I was "blocking the way." I was standing on the footpath waiting for a bus. At a bus stop. FML

by Dave B / 11/25/2011 at 1:59am / Reserved / Transportation

Today, I took Ambien for the first time. Not only did I not fall asleep, but I took my mother through a list of all the men I've slept with. I do not remember a thing, but apparently I was very thorough. FML

by tammyg / 02/11/2010 at 1:42pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to sit in the hospital with my 88-year-old grandfather by myself. During the five hours I was there, he insisted on sharing the intimate details of his many sexcapades that he has had since World War II. FML

by kawood / 03/30/2012 at 7:32am / United States / Intimacy

Today, while working as a cart attendant, I found one of my coworkers on a lawn chair sipping on a Bud light in the parking lot, while we both were supposed to be working, leaving me to push carts by myself. My boss comes out to me catching my breath and tells me to work harder. FML

by actionboy116 / 07/21/2015 at 2:05am / United States (Minnesota) / Work

Today, my ex-girlfriend was supposed to pick up her things. I decided to take a nap. Thirty minutes later, I woke up with two police officers hammering on my door. They'd come to get my ex-girlfriend's things and said they were "watching me." That's the last time I date a cop's daughter. FML

by Chris / 11/20/2012 at 12:03am / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be a funny idea to spray me with a hose while I was holding a kitten, showing her how cute we were. Needless to say, now I'm covered head to toe in cat scratches. FML

by littlespoon / 02/04/2010 at 3:40am / United States (Oregon) / Health

Today, I went to feed my neighbor's cat while he was out of town. The cat was sick, so part of my job was to give it a pill each time I came. Cats don't like swallowing pills. My neighbor forgot to mention that his cat wasn't declawed. I was wearing shorts. FML

by anonymous / 12/14/2010 at 6:52am / United States / Health