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Today, while playing with bubble wrap, I dislocated my thumb. FML

by Bigpoppa0507 / 08/31/2011 at 10:02am / Canada / Health

Today, I was the designated driver for my friend's 21st birthday. On the way home from the bar, he threw up all the pasta and tequila he'd had onto the back seat of my car, and told me it was part of his whole party plan. FML

by IhatebeingtheDD / 10/15/2010 at 10:08am / United States / Transportation

Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML

by JC / 03/26/2012 at 4:56pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, my intern was given his own office. I have been asking to move out of my cubicle for nearly four years. FML

by bosslady / 06/30/2015 at 5:57am / Belgium (Brussels Hoofdstedelijk Gewest) / Work

Today, my boyfriend told me he watched True Life I'm Pregnant. Now I know why we haven't been having sex. FML

by hgirl / 01/28/2009 at 4:58pm / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy

Today, I finally felt the effects of a laxative that I took last night. This morning, when I was in the dentist's chair. FML

by Anonymous / 11/24/2010 at 10:40am / United States (New Hampshire) / Health

Today, a little girl from my Sunday School class approached me and told me she had a stomach ache. She seemed very upset and her face was discolored so I took her to the nurse. While we were walking out the door, I looked down and saw a half-eaten crayon on the floor. That'll do it. FML

by drewcaver / 04/12/2015 at 3:49pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the neck while she was cooking on the stove. Apparently I scared her and now I have a nice burn mark on my head from the hot frying pan she hit me with. FML

by StayPositive / 11/02/2010 at 8:57pm / United States (Maine) / Love

Today, I was at K-Mart and saw an exact copy of my engagement ring for twenty bucks. The same one that had supposedly been in my fiancé's family for generations, and worth thousands. FML

by Anonymous / 10/18/2015 at 1:00pm / United States (Florida) / Money

Today, my father told me to stop purposely singing out of tune because it was annoying. I wasn't doing it on purpose; it's my real voice. FML

by noonotme / 09/05/2010 at 5:51pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, after finishing the laundry, I took clothes out of the dryer and took a big whiff of their delicious clean scent. That was when I noticed that my mom was watching me, and I had just smelled my dad's still-stained underwear that was on top. FML

by smellsgood / 03/13/2010 at 2:32pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was out to coffee with an extremely attractive friend. A crazy man came up to the window we were facing. He took one look at her, then turned to me with a big, congratulatory smile, flashing me a thumbs-up. Then he turned to her, frowned disappointedly and gave a thumbs-down. FML

by offended / 06/14/2012 at 4:11am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I applied to live in a barn. FML

by Anonymous / 08/23/2011 at 1:39am / United States / Money