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Today, it started raining unexpectedly. My daughter and I didn't have an umbrella, so my daughter raised one of my big flabby arms and put it over her head to protect her from the rain. It worked. FML

by letsloseweight / 07/13/2009 at 7:30am / Korea Republic of (Seoul-t'ukpyolsi) / Health

Today, I discovered that you can't always assume your little brother is kidding when he says that you have a spider on top of your head. FML

by thatoneperson / 02/17/2012 at 7:43am / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, my intern was given his own office. I have been asking to move out of my cubicle for nearly four years. FML

by bosslady / 06/30/2015 at 5:57am / Belgium (Brussels Hoofdstedelijk Gewest) / Work

Today, I showed my son the old trick of turning a calculator upside down and spelling "BOOBIES" on it in numbers. He laughed, then spent nearly 20 minutes trying to spell "COCKS", before giving up and hurling the calculator across the room. I wish my sperm had a warranty. FML

by 3722145 / 01/30/2015 at 7:51pm / United States (Indiana) / Kids

Today, I saw a huge wolf spider in my room. It ran off and hid before I could kill it, but after two hours looking for it then giving up, I finally found it, with my foot, as I put on my shoes. FML

by terrified / 08/08/2015 at 11:10pm / United States (North Carolina) / Animals

Today, my needle-phobic mother took me to get a shot. She fainted. FML

by shots shots shots / 02/12/2013 at 2:41am / United States (California) / Health

Today, while at work, I mustered up the courage to talk to a cute girl. I asked her name, to which I replied with mine and that it was nice to meet her. She followed up with a dirty look and the fact she hates anyone with my name. FML

by I'mMike / 08/01/2015 at 4:19pm / United States (Florida) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I attended a job fair for a position at a shop. I was the only one who showed and submitted an application. I didn't get the job. FML

by Anonymous / 09/17/2010 at 8:33pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Work

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to engage the child locks on the rear doors of my SUV. My SUV has a bolted cage for the dog separating the front from the back. Guess who was locked in their own car for 2 hours? FML

by Archie / 01/07/2010 at 3:31am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, my nitwit son infected our family computer with some sort of mad bastard virus after getting fooled by the promise of some non-existent Hannah Montana nudes. FML

by StupidBerk / 09/17/2012 at 7:25pm / United Kingdom / Kids

Today, a little girl from my Sunday School class approached me and told me she had a stomach ache. She seemed very upset and her face was discolored so I took her to the nurse. While we were walking out the door, I looked down and saw a half-eaten crayon on the floor. That'll do it. FML

by drewcaver / 04/12/2015 at 3:49pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, while playing with bubble wrap, I dislocated my thumb. FML

by Bigpoppa0507 / 08/31/2011 at 10:02am / Canada / Health

Today, I was given a bottle of vitamins that are supposed to help your memory. I forgot them at home. FML

by Anonymous / 03/09/2012 at 10:14am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous