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Today, I told my parents I'm pregnant. I got a long lecture from my mom about using protection. It would have been fine hearing all that, but I'm turning 22, I've been moved out for a few years, have a full time job with great benefits, and am getting married next summer. FML

by I'm an adult! / 07/02/2015 at 3:16pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to engage the child locks on the rear doors of my SUV. My SUV has a bolted cage for the dog separating the front from the back. Guess who was locked in their own car for 2 hours? FML

by Archie / 01/07/2010 at 3:31am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I was at a big meeting at work. The CEO was reaming the hell out of us for our recent poor profits, when I accidentally let rip a vile fart. I was then subjected to a 10 minute tirade of abuse for "trying to be a funny man", and told that whatever small chance I had for a promotion is now gone. FML

by screwedupfuck / 03/27/2015 at 5:19pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, my friends and I were celebrating Spring Break by going out to a club. I saw a very, very cute girl sipping a drink at the bar all by herself. Trying to be a stud I walked over and said "What are you doing Friday night?" Her response: "Not you." FML

by rejected / 04/23/2009 at 12:20am / United States (Nevada) / Intimacy

Today, my mom confessed that she has to make up compliments to give to prove me wrong when I said she can never say positive things about me. FML

by wow / 05/05/2011 at 2:13am / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered that you can't always assume your little brother is kidding when he says that you have a spider on top of your head. FML

by thatoneperson / 02/17/2012 at 7:43am / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, I was given a bottle of vitamins that are supposed to help your memory. I forgot them at home. FML

by Anonymous / 03/09/2012 at 10:14am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my nitwit son infected our family computer with some sort of mad bastard virus after getting fooled by the promise of some non-existent Hannah Montana nudes. FML

by StupidBerk / 09/17/2012 at 7:25pm / United Kingdom / Kids

Today, for the second day in a row, I got to hear both of my roommates having sex, through two closed doors and a hallway. This is as I hit my thirtieth month of involuntary celibacy. FML

by Scholar / 09/05/2012 at 12:13pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, my son learned that when you slide a mug across the kitchen table, it doesn't stop where you expect it to like in the old cartoons. I then learned what it feels like to have a full mug of hot chocolate spilled onto my crotch. FML

by Bruce / 02/01/2012 at 10:11pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Kids

Today, I had to sit in the hospital with my 88-year-old grandfather by myself. During the five hours I was there, he insisted on sharing the intimate details of his many sexcapades that he has had since World War II. FML

by kawood / 03/30/2012 at 7:32am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my needle-phobic mother took me to get a shot. She fainted. FML

by shots shots shots / 02/12/2013 at 2:41am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I was working at my day-camp, and one of my little boys told me he had to show me something important. He proudly showed me that he'd crapped his pants. I had to wipe his ass clean. FML

by ilana / 02/10/2012 at 4:51am / United States / Kids