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Today, I was at Starbucks after having a rough day. The old man beside me was talking to his friend. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him point at me and say, "See that beautiful girl over there?" Flattered, I listened closer, until he finished his statement with, "She's gonna die." FML

by scared to leave the house / 08/20/2012 at 5:14am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided it was time to have "the talk" with my daughter, after I found a thong in the washing machine. She denied it was hers and pointed out how it was too big to fit her. I ended up having a very different talk with my son. FML

by caroline / 10/29/2015 at 4:02pm / Germany / Kids

Today, I was eating a corndog, when my boyfriend jokingly told me to "take it deeper". I did, and ended up choking and throwing up all over the table. FML

by Anonymous / 07/11/2013 at 1:08pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was called into my son's school because he had got into a fist-fight with another pupil and I had to take him home. He clammed up about the reason behind the fight, until I finally managed to coax it out of him: the other kid is in "Hufflepuff" and he's in "Ravenclaw." FML

by PissOffPottermore / 09/13/2012 at 10:31am / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I realized that my cat has been laid more times than me. FML

by LaurahLunatic / 09/05/2009 at 2:31am / United States (Minnesota) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my fellow marching band mates all refer to me as the "short girl with big tits" because none of them can remember my name. FML

by noname / 04/27/2012 at 8:04am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took the bus. The old lady next to me almost fell when the driver stopped, but I managed to catch her. Five minutes later, the same thing happened to me. The old lady tried to help me, but I lost my balance and pulled her skirt down. FML

by alexo / 05/23/2012 at 11:52am / United States / Transportation

Today, I was awoken by my wife, once again. It seems that whenever I stop snoring, she thinks I died so she has to wake me to make sure I'm still living. She does this almost every night, every hour. FML

by Sleep Deprived / 12/25/2011 at 12:27am / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I caught my son trying to punch his own teeth out so he'd get more money from the tooth fairy. FML

by DENTALITY / 05/23/2015 at 7:06am / Norway / Kids

Today, I received a phone call from my father asking how I spelled my name. Not only was he the parent who picked out my name, he was completely serious. FML

by crimson28 / 03/07/2010 at 3:18am / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he can't remember the last time he took a shower. He then told me he doesn't see the "need" of taking showers. FML

by Anonymous / 12/02/2010 at 10:35pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, when the Taco Bell I'd eaten for lunch came back up for round two. Undigested rice and beans got stuck in his hair. FML

by Aphrodite / 01/23/2010 at 4:13pm / Love

Today, I noticed white stuff in my colored clothes as I transferred them from the washer to the dryer. That's when I realized that the white stuff is my paycheck which I had put in my pants earlier. FML

by broke_kid / 01/03/2010 at 8:18am / United States (North Carolina) / Money