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Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb." FML

by bleredoshia / 04/08/2010 at 12:27am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Kids

Today, I witnessed my mother-in-law reach into my wife's purse and practically empty it out into her pocket. When I confronted her and called my wife into the room, both of them accused me of lying through my teeth, because I've always hated her. FML

by hate enough to kill... / 10/14/2012 at 4:57pm / Netherlands (Limburg) / Money

Today, my boyfriend excitedly showed me his new juicer, and used up all the fruit in the house making new concoctions. It was adorable until later on, in the middle of getting frisky, he asked if we could go to the grocery store to buy more fruit. FML

by Juiced / 09/26/2012 at 2:46pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, I was on the arm of my couch trying to grab something from the bookshelf, and my boyfriend was below me. I asked, "So, would you catch me if I fell?" He looked back at me, paused for a moment before saying, "How much do you weigh again?" FML

by mauimango7 / 07/27/2010 at 6:07am / United States (California) / Health

Today, my Art Director once again turned down a demo model (for an advertisement) that I'd been working on for a week. This time he took his belt off and started thrashing the model to pieces. FML

by Fuzy / 12/14/2008 at 10:24pm / Work

Today, I learned that my brakes don't work anymore on my bike. When did I learn this? While speeding down a really steep hill. FML

by ouch / 08/07/2011 at 3:12am / Mexico (Baja California) / Miscellaneous

Today, after a few weeks of smuggling a baby caterpillar into work every day just to make sure it ate and stayed alive long enough to turn into a butterfly, it finally did. Before it could fly free, a bird turned it into a snack. FML

by goodbyefriend / 08/21/2012 at 12:56pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Animals

Today, during work hours, I took time off and discreetly went for an interview for a prospective job at our rival company. As soon as I reached the place, I bumped into my current boss. FML

by eaglesmile / 04/03/2015 at 12:37am / India (Maharashtra) / Work

Today, I called 911 to report a drunk driver. The operator yelled at me for following the guy and told me to get off the phone because I shouldn't be driving with a phone to my ear. FML

by drivingmecrazy / 05/27/2015 at 9:28pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I punched a drunk woman who kept trying to force herself onto my husband. She turned out to be an off-duty cop. FML

by BUSTED. / 12/01/2015 at 2:02pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, I made my young niece lunch. After she claimed to have eaten it all, she wanted to go out and play. I was putting my shoes on when I found part of the sandwich I made her stuffed in my shoe. FML

by Anonymous / 04/14/2011 at 1:35pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, while taking a slow night at my waitressing job, I thought I heard the sound of crying coming from the kitchen. I rushed in, thinking something terrible had happened. Nope, the bus boy was just watching porn on his phone with no headphones. FML

by koanroak / 06/21/2015 at 11:08pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I found out the reason why my therapist was so nice to me all of the time. Apparently, she is afraid that I'm going to stab her if she pisses me off. FML

by Josh / 09/27/2011 at 1:14am / United States (Missouri) / Health