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Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML

by Anonymous / 11/25/2010 at 1:18pm / Singapore / Intimacy

Today, I shaved my beard in preparation for an important work conference. Now my dog won't stop growling and barking at me. FML

by dogproblems / 01/27/2015 at 10:09am / United States (North Carolina) / Animals

Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb." FML

by bleredoshia / 04/08/2010 at 12:27am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Kids

Today, I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. Now she's threatening to kill herself if I don't forgive her. FML

by Anonymous / 08/29/2015 at 7:28am / United States (California) / Love

Today, while at my shitty, minimum wage job at McDonalds, a guy walked out of the bathroom. He said "Good luck in there." worriedly, then left. I don't know if it was his handiwork, but it looked like a shit grenade had detonated. It was even on the walls. FML

by don't get paid enough for this / 07/10/2015 at 10:20pm / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, the guy who got off when the elevator's doors opened had a very embarrassed look on his face. I didn't think anything of it till the doors closed. Turns out he was running away from his deadly fart. FML

by lizard / 12/18/2010 at 12:56am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had some soup that my dad made. I took one sip and found he had put tons of hot sauce in it. I rushed to drink from a soda can sitting on the counter, only to find that my mom had used it as an ash tray the night before. I can still taste the hot sauce, and the ash. FML

by Autocorrected / 11/26/2012 at 3:13pm / Philippines (Manila) / Miscellaneous

Today, I started the day at my local Starbucks. I was greeted with smiles from everyone I made eye contact with and left the store feeling really good about myself. I got home and checked myself out in the mirror, only to realize I had cut myself shaving and my neck was covered in dried blood. FML

Today, my neighbor pointed to me and said to his best friend, "This motherfucker still lives with his mama. That's why he can't get no pussy." I'm thirty. My neighbor is eleven, and correct. FML

by Anonymous / 09/06/2015 at 4:11pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I called 911 to report a drunk driver. The operator yelled at me for following the guy and told me to get off the phone because I shouldn't be driving with a phone to my ear. FML

by drivingmecrazy / 05/27/2015 at 9:28pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home to a lease violation and a $220 fine after a routine pest control visit. The violation: my single beta fish in a small bowl. FML

by Username / 02/18/2011 at 12:19am / Animals

Today, after three days of hospital camping with my very sick husband, he was finally out of danger when I left last night to get my first good night's sleep in almost 96 hours. He woke me at 5 a.m. with a phone call asking me to bring him comic books because he's bored. FML

by Frazzled / 04/10/2011 at 6:59am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, during work hours, I took time off and discreetly went for an interview for a prospective job at our rival company. As soon as I reached the place, I bumped into my current boss. FML

by eaglesmile / 04/03/2015 at 12:37am / India (Maharashtra) / Work