Today, I finally have a job I love with amazing people I call family and a fantastic boss. I've been here 8 months, and I'm doing a great job, I feel like I could work here forever! My most recent project? Printing our "Store closing sale" signs for liquidation. We permanently close in 7 weeks. FML

by mischalucksux / 09/19/2016 at 9:54am / United States / Work

Tripartita's comment : "Store Closing. Can no longer afford lawsuits caused by one overly-affectionate worker going around, hugging customers, and calling them family."

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Today, my girlfriend managed to trap a fart in her nightgown and carry it all the way from the bathroom, into our bedroom, and finally into our bed. FML

by Gas-pingForAir / 09/19/2016 at 4:59am / United States (Missouri) / Love

cj89898's comment : That takes skill

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Today, I was an extra in a movie and I had to play a corpse. At the make up stand, they painted my mouth blue. I then asked the make-up artist why they didn’t do more : "You’re so pale it looks like you’re already dead". FML

by Aldric / 06/10/2016 at 6:46am / Allemagne (Bayern)

Today, at daycare, a mother congratulated me for having such a kind and well-behaved little girl. The three daycare workers laughed out loud. One had to sit down. Another wiped away a tear. FML

by wrongshoes / 09/03/2016 at 3:28am / Belgique (Antwerpen)

Today, my girlfriend contacted me. She said she'd thought over her feelings over our temporary break in the relationship, and she wanted to try again. Being my stupid, self-loathing self, I asked her so many questions on if she was sure or not that she went back into doubt and revoked the offer. FML

by Anonymous / 09/19/2016 at 6:05am / Love

breedles's comment : Hey, now... desiring certainty has little to do with self loathing, it sounds like you wanted some security. That's pretty human, don't beat yourself up over it. I'm sorry to hear about your girlfriend though, FYL

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Today, I met the old couple I would be house-sitting for. As I was leaving the lady stuck her fist out towards me. After a seconds awkward pause I thought she wanted to fist-bump so stuck mine out and bumped. Turned out she was handing me the key. FML

by Krystl / 09/18/2016 at 12:35pm / Australia / Work

Today, I found out why my wife has been upset with me for the last week. She told me this morning that I did something to upset her on our date night last Friday, she won't tell me what, and she said she'll leave me if I do it again. FML

by dazedandconfused / 09/18/2016 at 5:44am / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Love

Today, I woke up suddenly with giant bugs biting my legs. I screamed, ripped the blanket off the bed and bolted to the bathroom to recover. Turns out it was all a dream, and the person who needed to recover most was my shell-shocked boyfriend who had been sleeping soundly beside me. Sorry, babe. FML

by sweetdreams / 09/18/2016 at 2:39am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my mom sleeps in my room when I'm at college during the week. I discovered this my bumping into her dildo with my foot. FML

by tracy4191 / 09/18/2016 at 1:21am / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a big project due, but when I went to turn it in, I found out that I'd left it at home. The professor said I could turn it in tomorrow for half credit. When I got home I realized I'd put it in my other binder. FML

by funny? / 09/06/2016 at 12:43am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I gained the courage to talk to the guy I have a crush on. In a dying part of the conversation, I panicked and ended up asking him if he was gay. He replied no and seemed offended, so I quickly added, "You just seem a little gay sometimes, in a good way." He took more offense and left. FML

by anon / 09/05/2016 at 4:17am / New Zealand (Waikato) / Love

Today, I found out my co-worker had made plans for a night out, just as I'd cancelled all of mine to work with him on a project for the next 4 hours. FML

by Dan V / 09/05/2016 at 2:35am / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, my housemate and I had rough passionate sex in every room of the house. Being that I'm 18 and he's 32, it was a new thing for me. I just received a call from my mother stating that they would not be paying for the baby they watched us make through their wireless cams in our house. FML

by BabsZilla / 09/04/2016 at 8:21pm / United States (California) / Intimacy