Today, I'm jobless and picked up transcription work online. I typed furiously all day. I have made a grand total of $2.06. FML

by Whybother / 09/20/2016 at 4:13am / United States (Hawaii) / Work

WinterChild's comment : That's a start! You might make $4 tomorrow :)

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Today, I've been recovering for a week from my medically needed circumcision. I'm 30, and they advise you wear essentially a jock strap for the first week to help. It wasn't too bad until I went to take the thing off and it caught a stitch on my manhood. That's the most unique pain ever. FML

by T3kM4n / 09/20/2016 at 2:08am / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I had the most Chicago experience ever. While I was eating my delicious, deep dish pizza, someone was ripping the rims off my car 15 feet away. FML

by dudewheresmywheelschicago / 09/20/2016 at 1:14am / United States (Indiana) / Transportation

Today, I finally had sex with the man with whom I've been in love for months. Too bad I was too drunk to remember a thing. FML

by tequilashot / 09/20/2016 at 12:40am / Brazil (Rio Grande do Sul) / Love

Today, I met a friend I hadn't seen in forever. After talking for a while, he says "I knew there was a reason I stopped talking to you." FML

by XRayXLopez1 / 09/19/2016 at 11:31pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I ate out, even though I was tired. When my main course arrived, I realised I had sent both my forks away with the starter plate. Rather than say anything, I ate dinner with two knives. FML

by knife knife / 09/19/2016 at 8:38pm / United Kingdom (Midlothian) / Miscellaneous

littleflowertje's comment : Why??

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Today, after talking to the man whose car I scratched, we agreed that the damages and cost of repair were so low and instead of me paying I just buy him coffee. When I showed up he saw me, decided I was too ugly to have coffee with, and instead demanded full payment in cash. FML

by ilovepancakes / 09/19/2016 at 8:29pm / United States (Illinois) / Money

54754N4's comment : wtf. didn't he see you when you talked about the scratches ?

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Today, I found out what happens when you sleep with a girl your chemistry major friend likes. He put silver nitrate in my body wash and shampoo. I look like I survived an explosion in a Sharpie factory. He says it'll come off "in a few days". FML

by dude i am so sorry / 09/19/2016 at 3:54pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, the place where I’m living is so small that after changing my shower curtain, I felt like I’d changed my whole apartment’s decoration. FML

by Easel / 01/09/2012 at 5:33pm / Brazil (Rio de Janeiro)

Today, I came back from the hospital after back surgery which required putting screws in my spine. My children spent all day trying to stick magnets on my back. FML

by Anonyme / 09/17/2016 at 9:42pm / France (Alsace)

Today, I was notified of card fraud. As I was on the phone with the fraud department to take out any cash I could, the ATM ate my card and shredded it. The chip in my other card stopped working last week. I'm in Sweden until December and I have no money until October 1st. FML

Today, my boss had to order some more work pants since mine were worn out after 7 months. He told me the next set I would have to buy myself since they last workers about 2 years, and I must be treating them too roughly. I didn't want to admit that my thighs rubbing together ended up shredding the fabric. FML

by thickly / 09/19/2016 at 1:31pm / United States (Arkansas) / Work

Today, my wife announced she had a sexy surprise for me. Turns out she got a Brazilian wax, which is a huge turn-off for me. Not only could I not get it up, I got to hear all about how much her last boyfriend loved it. FML.

by HairToStay / 09/19/2016 at 12:04pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy