Today, my two year old has learned new things from his best friend. His best friend is our dog. He's learned to eat dog food, lick people, and now he's started taking off his diaper to lift his leg and pee. FML

by proud parent / 05/21/2016 at 12:03pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, a woman threw a sandwich at me, told me to go back to "fucktard island" and demanded to see my manager. All because the mayonnaise sandwich she ordered, shockingly enough, had mayonnaise in it. FML

by xoxo_retailslave420_xoxo / 05/21/2016 at 8:57am / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

TigranPet's comment : It's ridiculous how every time I order a sandwich, it comes with bread on it.

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Today, after I skipped dessert for the third day in a row, my mom cornered me and accused me of being anorexic. I'm actually not far off being clinically obese and I'm just trying to diet, but nothing I say will convince her. She wants me to see a psychiatrist about a disorder I don't even have. FML

by chronic masticator / 05/21/2016 at 7:51am / United States / Health

emeraldisle's comment : Sounds like your mum needs to see a therapist as well.

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Today, I babysat a kid who was such a bratty little prick that I actually considered walking out on the job. After his mom finally got home 4 hours later, he called her a slut. When he got in trouble for it, he claimed that I taught him the word. Needless to say, I didn't get paid. FML

by Anonymous / 05/21/2016 at 12:27am / Australia (Victoria) / Kids

dragoongirl90's comment : You can't not get paid for a job you already did. For all you know, she taught him to do that so that she could have an excuse to not pay.

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Today, my brother's refused to shower after 2 weeks of dripping sweat and never changing clothes. He claims the smell is just his "manly musk" and if I can't handle it, then maybe I'm the problem. FML

by FuckingDone / 05/20/2016 at 7:08pm / United States (Alabama) / Kids

Today, I paid 60 dollars for my senior yearbook. They forgot to put me in it. FML

by N / 05/20/2016 at 4:22pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law decided that she is going to be in charge of planning my wedding. All decisions must be approved by her, and anything she doesn't like will be thrown out. She also wants to go on our honeymoon with us to make sure I don't "defile" her son. FML

by Anonymous / 05/20/2016 at 3:38pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, even though my boyfriend knew that I was a devout catholic before he asked me on a date, he's pissed that I keep refusing to have sex. Apparently, he thought I was just playing hard to get and that I would eventually drop my panties like all the other slutty "religious" girls he claims to have fucked. FML

by Bethany / 05/20/2016 at 3:31pm / Germany / Intimacy

Today, my brother walked in on me jerking off. I managed to close the porn tab, at least, only to end up on my mom's Facebook profile. FML

by Anonymous / 05/20/2016 at 12:59pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my dad told me to knock it off with my "stupid gangster walk", saying it made me look like an idiot. I didn't have the balls to admit I'd sharted my pants and was awkwardly waddling to the bathroom to clean myself up. FML

by Anonymous / 05/20/2016 at 12:05pm / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, after fishing for 5 hours, I finally caught a respectable-sized fish. I ran to my truck to grab the scale, and then I saw my friend laughing hysterically while holding an empty net. Apparently, the only catch of our day jumped out of the net during the 15 seconds I was gone. FML

by superfreak6 / 05/20/2016 at 9:25am / United States (Louisiana) / Animals

Today, my phone charger caught fire. I was thankful to be there to witness it. I was not thankful for having been holding it while this happened, as my shirt caught on fire. FML

by ShandiPandiDerp / 05/20/2016 at 8:12am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, as I was getting x-rays of my arm, I heard one technician ask another, "Are you sure those are hers?" At 17, I have weaker bones than my grandma. FML

by Anonymous / 05/20/2016 at 7:29am / United States (New Jersey) / Health