Today, I got offered an interview for a job after months of unemployment. It's a 3-month contract 3 hours away from where we live. My boyfriend's reaction was to tell me to move out and take our hamster with me. FML

by pissed / 07/07/2016 at 2:39pm / Work

Today, I would like to say I pinched a nerve throwing punches, but no, I did it by sneezing. FML

by Manly Sneeze / 07/07/2016 at 7:34am / Health

Today, I lost my job to the individual I just finished training. Within 2 hours after being escorted out, my old boss called and yelled at me for doing a lousy job. He was angry that the training was deficient and because the new person is as bad as I was. FML

by bearprint / 07/06/2016 at 2:45pm / Work

WCARlover's comment : Well they shouldn't expect good training from someone they don't think is a good employee. No offense, OP.

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Today, I got yelled at for not taking an order correctly at work. I've been washing dishes all day and haven't taken a single order. FML

by Anonymous / 07/05/2016 at 3:46pm / Work

Tripartita's comment : "Alright, you can stop washing dishes now; you're on the cash register." "No." "Stop washing dishes." "NO!" "All the dishes are clean! Just STOP!" "NOOOOOOOO!"

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Today, I woke up to my husband chuckling. When I asked him what was so funny. He told me that during the night I attempted to shove one of the kids' pacifiers in his mouth. I don't remember this, at all. He thinks it's hysterical. I'm not sure what to think. FML

by Binkplugged / 07/05/2016 at 2:01pm / Miscellaneous

Today, while at school, some jerk shot me in the foot with a BB gun. While in agonizing pain, I yelled, "FUCK" as loud as possible. A teacher walked by, oblivious to the fact I had just been shot with a BB gun and wrote me up for, "Disrespectful language". FML

by srhoa01 / 07/05/2016 at 2:42am / Kids

Idiotskillme's comment : Not sure where you live OP, but if you live in the US, that kid could get into serious trouble bringing one of those into school. If you know the kid report him to school security and he should be at least suspended for a while, if not, he'll be dealing with the police.

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Today, I get more pleasure out of scratching my balls than I do out of any sexual activity with my girlfriend. FML

by itchtoscratch / 07/04/2016 at 12:14am / Intimacy

Today, after months of planning and saving for our honeymoon in Italy, my wife and I were turned away at the airport because my passport only has a month until it expires, even though it's only a five-day trip. FML

by Anonymous / 07/03/2016 at 7:22pm / Holidays

Today, I went to the store, but after I'd selected my items, I saw that I'd forgotten my wallet. When I tried to explain to the cashier, he thought that I was trying to steal and called the cops. My roommate had to come to the store to save me. FML

by clip_kate / 06/30/2016 at 10:36pm / Money

Today, my parents lectured me for wanting to wear sneakers to a wedding. The wedding is on a farm. FML

Today, it was my last day at my job. My team made a little party for me so they could wish me well and say goodbye, but when it came time for my manager to give a little speech, she couldn't even remember my name. I've been working there for two years. FML

by Raset24 / 06/30/2016 at 1:40pm / Work

Today, I accidentally farted in the middle of my grandfather's funeral and my cousin started cracking up. It caused a chain reaction of laughter throughout all of the other cousins and my siblings. Now my aunts won't speak to any of us. FML

by sillymink / 08/19/2016 at 10:06pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, a pharmacist slut-shamed me for taking birth control. I'm still a virgin, and I only take those pills to help with my acne and period cramps. FML

by CyberPsycho / 08/19/2016 at 4:57pm / United States (Tennessee) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.