Today, I had to take a drug test for my new job, which I desperately need and which took me over a year to land. I got a shy bladder and couldn't pee. They marked me as non-compliant and revoked the job offer. FML
by Anonymous / 06/10/2016 at 1:02pm / United States (California) / Work
Tripartita's comment : That is no laughing matter, OP! Discrimination based age, race, gender, or disability—including shy bladder—is not funny. If you or a loved one are on the receiving end of shy bladder discrimination, call our hotline at 1-800-PIS-DOFF and know that you are NOT alone!
by Anonymous / 06/10/2016 at 10:28am / Canada (Quebec) / Animals
helen_ellexo's comment : Because jerking a dog off is more believable than a belly rub...
Today, on the road in China, I committed a small offense. A cop saw me, stopped me and told me that I deserved to be punished. He didn’t fine me, instead he sent me to the naughty step for five minutes. FML
by TacoMan32 / 06/10/2016 at 12:29am / Canada / Love
Welshite's comment : "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery." That's why I always quack when I see ducks. And moo like a cow. And wear other people's clothing and skin.
Today, I came home to my wife packing a bag. We had been fighting recently and I understood why she was leaving, but then I noticed she wasn't packing her stuff. She explained that I was the one who was leaving, she was just packing my bag. FML
by Anonymous / 06/09/2016 at 7:37pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few days. One minute out of the room, I came back in to find out that the parrot had taught my three-year-old the word "slut". Now the two won't stop screaming "slut" throughout the whole house. My wife thinks both learned the word from me. FML
by Anonymous / 06/09/2016 at 3:39pm / Germany (Bayern) / Animals
Today, my "friends" and I were supposed to go out to eat to celebrate finishing the last day of school, but with a full day of work first, I decided to go buy them donuts. They decided to ditch me while I was gone, and go early. FML
by Bambi113 / 06/09/2016 at 3:07pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work
Today, I live in Japan. I discovered that the toothpaste with the terrible taste that I’d been using for a month, and on which it says “Whitening” in non-Japanese characters, was in fact a skin whitening cream. FML
Today, as I was getting ready for work, I heard a noise almost like someone was puking all over the bathroom floor. When I went to check, my 14-year-old son was puking all over the bathroom floor. The toilet, however, was pristine. FML
by windsoffate / 06/09/2016 at 12:46pm / United States (Oregon) / Kids
Today, my parents came back home from a one-week trip, during which I didn't let any friends over, so I could keep the house clean. Now my parents say they'll never leave me home alone again because the house is "too clean" and I must have thrown a party while they were gone. FML
by justinkoch / 06/09/2016 at 12:33pm / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Miscellaneous
Today, I broke up with my fiancé after he cheated on me, and he now refuses to move out of the apartment. I'm even contemplating just offering him my Xbox One as a bribe so I can get him out of my life for good. FML
by Rari / 06/09/2016 at 12:04pm / United States (Arizona) / Love
Today, I threw up when I got home because I'd been drinking with friends. My parents asked what was going on, so I had two choices: say that I was sick or tell the truth. It’s been an hour since my mom started trying to give me a suppository to cure my “indigestion”. FML
Today, I took a train for 5 hours to a remote northern community. My belt broke as I was getting off the train. I went to the only store and bought a new belt. Taking it off to go to bed, the new belt broke. I have to go visit clients today with a shoestring holding up my pants. FML
by Belt issues / 06/09/2016 at 8:21am / Canada (Quebec) / Miscellaneous