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Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML

#21428622
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26764) - you deserved it (3151)

On 06/19/2015 at 3:00pm - animals - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

lex1459's comment : Honestly I don't see a better solution than the one your boyfriend found.

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Today, I went to the restaurant I recently got a job at, to take the introductory three hour training course. Afterwards, I was told I wasn't hired after all. Why? The girl I was replacing suddenly decided she didn't want to move away and quit after all. FML

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML

#21428553
241 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27573) - you deserved it (11224)

On 06/19/2015 at 12:17pm - intimacy - by shmarf (man) - United States (Missouri)

leogachi's comment : If you think it's so gross, why would you want it in your girlfriend's mouth?

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Today, I had to take my daughter to the ER. Her brother had bet she couldn't go the whole day without talking. So to win the bet, she tried to super-glue her lips together so she couldn't accidentally say anything. FML

TheSgLeader's comment : I hope no one dares her not to have sex until she gets married.

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Today, I was about to leave for my honeymoon with my new husband, when he saw my deodorant in my bag. He picked it up and asked what it was. When I said it was deodorant, he gave me a confused look and said "girls don't wear deodorant". He actually believed that. FML

#21428525
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25861) - you deserved it (2490)

On 06/19/2015 at 10:47am - health - by stanky - United States (Ohio)

Today, it's my birthday. I had asked my parents for a keyboard, and I was really excited to open the massive box they gave me. It was a computer keyboard. I've been playing piano for 11 years. FML

#21428456
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27766) - you deserved it (4023)

On 06/19/2015 at 4:37am - misc - by THANKS - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I'm five and a half weeks pregnant. One of my coworkers told me that it sucks that I'll have to wait so long to show. I asked her what she meant; she replied, "It's always harder to tell when big girls are pregnant. Can't tell what's fat and what's baby." FML

#21428256
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27851) - you deserved it (4290)

On 06/18/2015 at 8:58pm - work - by pregnantfatty - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I ruined a $1,500 laptop with a 69¢ bowl of ramen noodles. FML

#21428240
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25750) - you deserved it (11693)

On 06/18/2015 at 7:29pm - money - by fuckstudentloans - United States (California)

Today, as I finished my piano recital and took a bow, I farted into the microphone. FML

#21428226
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29213) - you deserved it (3687)

On 06/18/2015 at 6:53pm - work - by fartypants - United States (Florida)

Today, I found out that my grandparents are going to take my car away and sell it because they're pissed I'm moving in with my boyfriend. FML

#21428214
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24316) - you deserved it (4459)

On 06/18/2015 at 6:31pm - misc - by allisonpaige21 - United States (Arkansas)

Today, a woman bitched me out at the grocery store, saying that since I'm not Indian, I shouldn't be wearing a bindi - a red dot on my forehead - because it's "cultural appropriation". I was too embarrassed to tell her it was actually a pimple I'd been trying to pop on my forehead. FML

#21428154
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28965) - you deserved it (2497)

On 06/18/2015 at 4:09pm - misc - by unsuccessful popping - United States (New York)

Today, I was in a hot tub at a public sauna. After chatting with a friendly couple, I decided to go get some lunch. I was halfway out of the water when the man started laughing and said he'd thought I was a woman. I am. FML

#21428077
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25829) - you deserved it (1963)

On 06/18/2015 at 12:56pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Netherlands (Limburg)

Today, my ex-boyfriend dumped sand into the crankcase of my truck and then filled it to the top with water after I dumped him for being immature and not respecting my things. FML

#21427999
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28784) - you deserved it (2964)

On 06/18/2015 at 8:36am - love - by Anonymous - United States (Florida)



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