Today, I was at a party. A guy kept looking at me, so I tried to strike up a conversation with him. I realized he was drunk when he slurred, "Ya know, you're the only girl I've met that's fat AND flat chested!" There goes my self-esteem. FML

by Anonymous / 04/19/2016 at 11:59am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

MrConfusion's comment : Insults are like an ocean and your body is like a ship. You can't sink unless you choose to let the water inside you.

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Today, my roommates had a party while I stayed in my room, and that was fine by me. What was not fine was when a stranger broke into my room, asked to lay next to me, and then just went ahead and did it. FML

by sociallyanxiousroomie / 04/19/2016 at 6:22am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

ladyLALAA's comment : At least they asked, I guess.

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Today, I finally saw a dermatologist due to my unusually severe acne. Now I know I actually have a rare disorder that makes me allergic to my own acne. FML

by chuffberry / 04/19/2016 at 9:39am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

cacheson's comment : And then the stress of of your allergic reaction causes more acne. It's a cruel vicious cycle.

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Today, I learned that not texting my girlfriend for two days is considered dumping her, and is ample reason to screw other men. FML

by Singleagain / 04/19/2016 at 8:01am / Sint Maarten (Dutch part) / Intimacy

Today, I got a ticket for being drunk in public. I was walking a couple blocks from the bar to my house, because I didn't want to drive drunk. FML

by Anonymous / 04/18/2016 at 10:43pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I twisted my ankle on a mole hill in front of my house. I regularly try to stomp them down so I guess this was retribution. Well played, mole. Well played. FML

by WhoaZombie / 04/18/2016 at 11:06pm / United States (Ohio) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my parents said they know I don't do drugs or drink because I have no friends to do drugs or drink with. They are right. FML

by Me myself & I / 04/18/2016 at 9:09pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, for the first time in a while I decided to wear a skirt. Everytime I sit down my thighs trap air and make a farting sound. FML

by Anonymous / 04/18/2016 at 7:40pm / United States (Nevada) / Health

Today, while making small talk with a veteran, I made the mistake of using the phrase "Cost an arm and a leg". He was a double amputee. FML

by Notpunny / 04/18/2016 at 6:58pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife told me alcohol gives me "increased confidence without increased ability." FML

by j / 04/18/2016 at 6:24pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I performed a piano piece at a school play. Everything went well until I got up and accidentally smashed my shin against one of the piano legs. Before I could bite my tongue, I'd already yelled "Fucking hell!" in front of about 50 second graders. FML

by Anonymous / 04/18/2016 at 3:28pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was eating an onion bagel and bit down on something hard. At first I thought was a really hard piece of onion. The "onion" turned out to be a tooth, and it wasn't one of mine. FML

by empress gleskizor the third of glarkon / 04/18/2016 at 2:12pm / Hungary (Budapest) / Miscellaneous

Today, I pulled off the road to help a turtle cross it. Before I could get out of my car a dump truck ran over the turtle, splattering my car with turtle guts and bits of shell. FML

by RestlessDiesel / 04/18/2016 at 10:40am / United States (New Hampshire) / Animals