Today, a lady called the candy store and wanted to know our ice cream flavors. We have 30 and I had a line of people to help, so I directed her to our new website. She called back, wanting me to walk her through finding it. I couldn't, as we're not allowed, so she called me useless. She showed up. FML

by I was talking about her. / 06/29/2016 at 1:24am / Work

buckdharma's comment : Did she make you recite all 30 flavors, then chose vanilla?

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Today, the price I paid to go on a kayaking trip in the sea was nothing compared to the price that my foot paid when it inadvertently stepped on a sea urchin halfway into the water. FML

by royallymessedup / 08/14/2016 at 9:13am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Holidays

Today, I went on a date with a guy who told me his main aim in life is to live alone in an isolated lighthouse. FML

by datingfail / 08/14/2016 at 8:06am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

lostandconfused9's comment : Sounds like he's got a bright future

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Today, I shaved my vagina for the first time ever. Had sex with my husband and then asked if he liked that. He said, "You've done that before, though". I haven't. We've been married 15 years. FML

by Anonymous / 08/14/2016 at 2:16am / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

dannidoll93's comment : I wouldn't worry OP, I'm sure if he'd slept with another woman with a bald vagina he'd have remembered and not been stupid enough to mistake her for you. Probably just a case of a fantasy misremembered as a memory. 15 years is a long time!

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Today, I received a notification that someone opened a fraudulent credit card in my name. I'm not sure what's worse: that they were approved at all with my terrible credit, or that I was denied for this exact card when I applied out of desperation last month to pay for my service dog's surgery. FML

by Anonymous / 06/28/2016 at 9:51pm / Money

Today, I "accidentally" kissed another girl while wasted at a party. My friend convinced me being honest was the right thing to do, so I told my girlfriend. She broke up with me on the spot. FML

by tobuscus9412 / 06/28/2016 at 7:37am / Love

Today, my 84-year-old grandmother taught me a keyboard shortcut. FML

by Fauxgeek / 06/27/2016 at 9:29pm / Geek

Today, my father called me to ask what my middle name is. He apparently needed to know it to remove me out from his will. FML

by Jes / 06/27/2016 at 8:44pm / Miscellaneous

Today, at work, I was helping someone who really sounded like she had a Boston accent. So, I asked her where she was from. She has never been out of state. Turns out she has a speech impediment. FML

by Rmglrsm / 06/22/2016 at 10:21pm / Work

Today, I was volunteering at a local hospital. I was eagerly introducing myself to all the nurses, as I would be working with them all summer. It wasn't until I got home that I discovered the giant piece of lettuce stuck in my front teeth. So much for first impressions. FML

by nothing_nobody / 06/22/2016 at 9:31pm / Work

Today, my parents, who aren’t usually lenient, allowed me to have my boyfriend over. We started to cuddle, things got a little heated, but then my sister walks in and says, “You do my math homework, or I tell mom what you guys were doing.” I don’t remember middle school math being this hard. FML

by Anonyme / 06/22/2016 at 12:05am / Love

Today, despite having a bunch of work and school related things to do, I made time to go visit family I hadn't seen in a while. The main topic of discussion was how fat I've gotten. FML

by mcfatty / 08/14/2016 at 12:21am / India (Karnataka) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I was crossing a street, a car hit me and broke two of my ribs. The driver was too busy paying attention to his girlfriend who was giving him a blowjob from the passenger seat. I could see the look of ecstasy on his face as he rammed into me and drove off without noticing. FML

by Sean / 08/14/2016 at 12:00am / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation