Today, I realized the only reason I chose to lose weight is that I can never cross the crosswalk fast enough. FML

by Username / 05/03/2011 at 3:51pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I finished working a 70 hour work week. I'm a lineman for the electric company, and worked extended hours all week getting people's lights back on after a wind storm. When I got home, my power was out. FML

by LightsOut / 05/03/2011 at 1:58pm / United States / Work

Today, my grandma moved in with us. Along with her 36-year old boyfriend that none of us knew about. FML

by moetplease / 05/03/2011 at 12:32pm / Singapore / Love

Today, at 11 weeks pregnant, I excitedly told my best friend that my baby now has fingernails. Her response was, "You're beginning to sound like a pro-life bumper sticker." FML

by CRH / 05/03/2011 at 11:41am / United States (Minnesota) / Health

CanuckPopcicle's comment : I get it, you're excited for baby. One thing you'll find becoming a mom is you'll lose some friends and gain other friends.

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Today, my motorcycle was stolen. If that wasn't bad enough, the thief drove past me. Twice. FML

by Diesel / 05/03/2011 at 10:23am / Belgium (Luxembourg) / Transportation

Today, while on a first date with a guy who turned out to be twice my age, we were playing video games at the theatre before the movie started. Suddenly he falls face first while having a seizure. The EMT asked if my "dad" had a history of epilepsy. FML

by cbolig / 05/03/2011 at 8:15am / Love

Today, I met my new neighbors when they backed into my parked car. FML

by Mayshod / 05/03/2011 at 8:04am / Miscellaneous

Today, my psycho stepmother and I got into an argument, and she started to get physical. After calling the police, and a cop showing up at the door, he took her side because she said it was "discipline". I'm a 29 year old man. FML

by Anonymous / 05/03/2011 at 4:19am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw a car swerving in front of me on the freeway, so I whipped out my cell to report the DUI. As soon as it started ringing, I see police lights in my rear view and got slapped with a ticket for using a cell phone while driving. After explaining why, the officer said, "Nice try." FML

by AE86Turbo / 05/03/2011 at 1:22am / United States (California) / Transportation

jquibell's comment : why didn't you just show him the last number dialed on your phone? I'm sure that a cop would know the local police phone number

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Today, after teaching my 4 year old son about the concept of "Stranger Danger," we had gone to a park full of people. When I walked up to him to tell him we had to leave, he ran, screaming "Stranger! Don't touch me!" FML

by armywife980 / 05/03/2011 at 1:01am / Kids

Today, I came across an old man sitting on the pavement with a bottle of beer in one hand. He was crying. I thought I would be a good Samaritan and see if he was okay. After 15 minutes of hearing about how much his life sucked, he mugged me. FML

by kimftwxox / 05/02/2011 at 10:24pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a picnic. After we finished eating he laid down, closed his eyes, and put his head in my lap. At the exact second that I bent down to kiss him, he jumped up to get the Frisbee. We both have bloody noses. FML

by wtf1234 / 05/02/2011 at 9:41pm / United States / Health

Today, my parents woke me up by pouring a glass of freezing cold water over my head. Their reason? They were 'bored'. FML

by missmirror / 05/02/2011 at 7:00pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Miscellaneous