Today, I was forced to attend a fire safety class, as required by my job. Last year, I completed the fire academy as a volunteer fireman. The class was not only insulting, but wrong in many ways. I got kicked out for pointing them out. I now have to take it again, or be fired. FML

by peeved / 02/17/2011 at 8:47pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, I got stuck in a small elevator. It started to violently judder up and down after I pressed the 'Help' buzzer. The man on the intercom wouldn't stop laughing at how my voice was jumpy from the juddering movements before he called for help. FML

by stuckinalift / 02/17/2011 at 8:31pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that the mysterious yellow mould that won't come off my apartment floor is in fact the remains of a condom my room-mate used when she was f*cking her boyfriend in my bed. Afterwards, she apparently threw it on the floor and let it lie there. For three weeks. FML

by Faluna / 02/17/2011 at 4:27pm / Sweden (Vasterbottens Lan) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend renamed all the contacts in my phone to see if I'd notice. Thanks to him, I've been sending dirty texts to my boss. The worst part is my boss was responding back. FML

by fmylife117 / 02/17/2011 at 1:37pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend asking if I'd Skype with him. Thinking he'd find my tousled bed hair and big t-shirt sexy, I went on. The first thing he noticed was the massive booger on my face that stretched from my nose to the other side of my cheek. FML

by Whatever479 / 02/17/2011 at 12:29pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Health

Today, I found my mom eating cat biscuits. We don't have a cat. FML

by Aled / 02/17/2011 at 11:33am / United Kingdom (Derby) / Animals

Today, I was thinking about my new diet and workout plan as I was getting dressed in the morning, feeling much thinner and more energetic. Just as the thought passed through my brain, the button on my skirt popped off. FML

by stillchubby / 02/17/2011 at 6:12am / Australia (Queensland) / Health

Today, I was in science class studying dead insects for biology. After packing away the jars, I noticed a red-back spider on the bench. Thinking it was missing from a jar, I picked it up. It wasn't missing. It was alive. FML

by shaunaaa / 02/17/2011 at 5:39am / Australia (Western Australia) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend fed me chocolate chip cookies with laxatives in them because he was concerned I did not poop enough. FML

by clashgurl8449 / 02/17/2011 at 3:08am / Health

Today, I downloaded an application for my phone that reads whatever you type out loud. I started making it say things like "You like it when daddy spanks your tight little ass don't you?" Just as the message was playing back out loud, my mom walked up the stairs. FML

by biglady / 02/17/2011 at 2:02am / Canada (Manitoba) / Intimacy

Today, I found a horde of ants in one of my socks when I put it on my foot. FML

by YeahItsmecoolhuh / 02/17/2011 at 1:50am / United Arab Emirates / Animals

Today, I ran out of toilet paper in the bathroom. I was forced to use tissues to do the job. As if that wasn't bad enough, the sanitizer in the tissues gave me a rash that made me have to stand up frequently in the lecture hall. Several people asked if I had Tourette's. FML

by no more tp / 02/17/2011 at 1:22am / Health

Today, my friend finally convinced me that if I picked up her cat it wouldn't scratch my eyes out. It peed on me instead. FML

by hannah / 02/17/2011 at 12:58am / United Kingdom / Animals