Today, I found out that my grandfather, who is a retired Marine, has paid real money to buy ALL the Lady Gaga themed items for his farm in FarmVille. I don't know what's worse, that he did it, or that I'm jealous of not having that stuff. FML

by Mandy / 05/20/2011 at 12:12am / United States (California) / Geek

Today, I sent my boyfriend a well thought out, steamy, and sexy sext message. His reply? "Three bidders for my drums on eBay! Makiiin' Monaaaay!" FML

by rileycrash / 05/19/2011 at 10:08pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up face-down in my grandfather's driveway, soaking wet with no pants, glitter in my hair, and holding an empty Skippy peanut butter jar. No one will tell me what happened. FML

by Devon / 05/19/2011 at 9:38pm / United States (Vermont) / Miscellaneous

marmots's comment : It sounds like you've been partying with Ke$ha.

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Today, I'm the coach of a football team. To celebrate winning a game, they poured a cooler of blue Gatorade over my head. This would've been great, if not for the fact that I'm highly allergic to blue food dye. FML

by blue. / 05/19/2011 at 7:32pm / Health

kingtz's comment : Did people just stand there and watch you go into anaphylatic shock, thinking it was your celebration dance?

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Today, I took my 6 year old son to meet our new neighbours. When we got home he packed his bags and headed for the door. Once he reached the door, I asked where he was going. He replied, "To the neighbours'. They have a bigger television." FML

by Anonymous / 05/19/2011 at 7:05pm / Canada (Newfoundland and Labrador) / Kids

Today, my school is having a mandatory class on etiquette. We've just now progressed onto forks after a long, tedious discussion on spoons. FML

by forkmylife / 05/19/2011 at 6:57pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Olovio's comment : Bet you can't wait for sporks!

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Today, my family went to Seaworld. When we got there, my dad sarcastically told me not to get lost, because I might get mistaken for Shamu. FML

by Username / 05/19/2011 at 6:46pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up in a panic to what sounded like a plane about to crash into my house. I was so scared, I peed myself and passed out. It was just my cell phone vibrating under my pillow. FML

by esoog / 05/19/2011 at 1:38pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I finally started my dream job. I turned up for work with a huge smile on my face. Imagine how much my face dropped when I saw that I had to share an office with the girl I stood up last weekend. FML

by Username / 05/19/2011 at 11:13am / Work

Today, I went shopping with my cousin. Walking down the road, I heard her say "Can you hold my hand?" I was confused, but thought it was cute, so I held her hand and kept walking. It turns out she'd asked me to hold her bag. We didn't say another word after that. FML

by awkwardd / 05/19/2011 at 8:51am / Hong Kong / Miscellaneous

Today, my car ran out of gas. I was 20 feet away from the gas pump and the only person I could ask for help was the attendant, who'd asked me out a week ago. I'd said no, and so did he. FML

by stranded / 05/19/2011 at 7:46am / United States / Transportation

Today, my 53 year-old art teacher told me she's excited about going clubbing this weekend. I'm excited about watching a special on the History Channel. FML

by ThisPerson / 05/19/2011 at 6:11am / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, after searching for a job for over a year now, I finally got an interview. The pressure made me so nervous that I passed out in the middle of it. FML

by Anonymous / 05/19/2011 at 1:58am / United States (Massachusetts) / Work