Today, I was cruising with a coworker and his friend, and I started getting tired. His friend offered me a caffeine pill. It wasn't caffeine. It was laxatives. FML

by Username / 04/30/2011 at 12:49am / United States / Health

Today, I was sword fighting in a play when I accidentally hit the other person in the head. He called me a bitch and stormed off stage, leaving me alone with an audience of 50. FML

by me / 04/30/2011 at 12:25am / United States / Health

Today, my mom paid $40 for overnight shipping on delivery of paint for my Art major dropout sister, but insists on making me wait two weeks for my diabetes medication. FML

by thanksmom / 04/29/2011 at 9:00pm / United States (California) / Health

tief06's comment : that bitch.

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Today, I ran into an old friend from college on the bus to work. Having not seen each other in over 10 years, we spent a good 15 minutes talking about our lives after college. At the end, he asked me what my name was. FML

by Jaggu / 04/29/2011 at 4:25pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found myself crying for an hour when my recreated crush on The Sims 3 game rejected my character and ran off with someone else. FML

by Nxydolli / 04/29/2011 at 3:34pm / United Kingdom (Durham) / Geek

teameminem's comment : you know you have no life when...

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Today, my doctor told me my asthma was being triggered by my dad's smoking. He wrote a note to my dad, asking him to refrain from smoking while around me. My dad took one look at the note, then threw it in the trash, saying the doctor "doesn't know what he's talking about." FML

by Wtf / 04/29/2011 at 12:09pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

I_Iz_Emo's comment : Your dad is an asshole

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Today, the only person who wished me a happy birthday is the policeman who checked my identity card for being "suspiciously gangster-like". FML

by Jims / 04/29/2011 at 10:00am / Singapore / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend of nearly two years broke up with me because he's sick of me being annoyed at him. Why am I annoyed at him? Because he wants to go and spend a week with his ex. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2011 at 8:53am / New Zealand (Gisborne) / Love

Today, I had my first job interview for eight months. My interviewer noticeably yawned during my reply to the first question. FML

by Kebabjoon / 04/29/2011 at 7:36am / Spain / Work

Today, I thought I heard someone shifting around in my house. I froze in fear and then I heard it again. I thought I was hearing things until I realized that it wasn't an intruder in my home. The shifting noise was my thighs rubbing together when I walked. FML

by Celluloid / 04/29/2011 at 2:52am / United States (Hawaii) / Miscellaneous

Today, while being robbed, a man heroically chased down the robber and got my purse back. He then looked at the distance between us, turned the other way and ran off with it. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2011 at 2:29am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I returned home after a three-week trip to Jamaica. When I opened the door to my room, I was greeted by a swarm of bees and their enormous nest, which was attached to my doorknob. Apparently, I'd forgotten to close the window properly before I left. FML

by Anonymous / 04/28/2011 at 10:24pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, a little girl wandered into the glass-cleaning area of the pub I work at. It's a dangerous place for a little kid, so I took her hand and asked where her mum was. The kid starts screaming and the mother appears in the doorway shouting "GET AWAY FROM MY BABY!" FML

by srsly_what / 04/28/2011 at 7:13pm / United Kingdom (North Yorkshire) / Work