Today, an old man started telling me about the high price of meat. I told him I wouldn't know, since I'm a vegetarian. His reply was, "Oh, most vegetarians are slimmer." FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2011 at 12:16pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent 30 minutes trying to unlock my garage door. After shouting several profanities, my roommate walked up to me, turned the key the other way, and unlocked it. FML

by brandon / 01/10/2011 at 12:04pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss asked for recommendations on how to improve the office. I sent her an e-mail full of my ideas. Later, my boss sent me a reply, saying, "Here's what head office thinks of your ideas." It contained a list of insults upper management made about me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2011 at 8:23am / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, my husband and I are both suffering from food poisoning. He has horrible, raging, rank smelling, explosive diarrhea; I am vomiting every 15 minutes. We have one bathroom. FML

by AW / 01/10/2011 at 7:48am / Health

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be fun to sit on my lap. In the process he landed on me so hard that he made me hit my head. Then when he turned around his elbow smacked into my nose causing it to break. FML

by dinosaur / 01/10/2011 at 5:35am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, I heard my asshole neighbor had died of a stroke. I was outside and said, "Well it's about goddamn time!" I turned around to see his wife walking her dog and staring deep into my soul. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2011 at 3:25am / United States (Connecticut) / Animals

ctlnaaia71's comment : you r a f*cking asshole.

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Today, trying to be cute, my boyfriend threw a snowball at me. This would have been fine had it not been hard enough to break my glasses. As a college student, I have to choose between eating for the next two weeks or replacing them. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2011 at 2:09am / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, I was working in a restaurant. I stopped to pick up some silverware a customer dropped. Apparently my belt wasn't tight enough because a woman behind me immediately hurled in disgust. On top of being found revolting, I'm now in trouble for "flashing" someone. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2011 at 1:45am / United States / Work

Today, I asked my parents if I had a college fund because I will be going to university in two years. They laughed. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2011 at 12:38am / Money

Today, I fed my cats their usual dinner of canned cat food. Without thinking, I put the spoon I had used for their food into my mouth so I could use both hands to rinse the can before recycling it. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2011 at 10:18pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Animals

Today, I had a panic attack because my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to choke me in the middle of sex. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2011 at 10:03pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I was at my boyfriends house, in the bathroom. I noticed a pregnancy test in the trash can. He lives alone. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2011 at 9:35pm / United States (Louisiana) / Health

Today, I got a call from Red Cross about the blood donation I gave last week. They informed me that I have Hepatitis C. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2011 at 7:29pm / Serbia / Health