Today, I dragged my son along with me to a work party because I didn't want him home by himself. Halfway through, he stood up and made an announcement about my pregnancy. I had to explain to all my coworkers and my boss that I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat. FML

by embarassed / 03/20/2011 at 12:26am / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, I got my first kiss. He had an allergic reaction to my chapstick, and broke out in hives. FML

by Anonymous / 03/19/2011 at 11:30pm / United States (North Dakota) / Love

Today, while at a boring lecture, I heard some people behind me whispering and laughing. I turned around, wondering what was so funny, which made them laugh even more. I then realised it looked like I'd been giving my pen a blowjob for the last 10 minutes. FML

by gayboii / 03/19/2011 at 5:37pm / United Kingdom (Glasgow City) / Intimacy

Today, at 21 years of age, my doctor confirmed that I am, indeed, going bald. It wouldn't be such a bad thing, even expected, if I wasn't a woman. FML

by Jessica / 03/19/2011 at 5:13pm / Romania (Neamt) / Health

Today, at the Mommy and Me dance class that I take my four year old daughter to, the instructor had us do a stretch, telling us to pretend we're mermaids. My daughter said to me, "But you're not a mermaid, you're a whale!" FML

by Abby_gummibear / 03/19/2011 at 5:04pm / United States (Nevada) / Kids

Today, we were going to Disney World all the way from North Carolina. After 12 hours of driving, my kids started fighting and complaining. My husband finally said, "If I hear you guys one more time we're turning around and going back home." They annoyed him once again, and we actually went home. FML

by jaimie / 03/19/2011 at 12:00pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

milou's comment : that's some pretty badass parenting right there

See all the comments

Today, I was on Facebook, looking at pictures from a party I went to. In most of them, I was sitting on the sofa, my shorts bunched to the side, with half my vajayjay on show. FML

by Anonymous / 03/19/2011 at 11:43am / United Kingdom (London) / Intimacy

Today, my purse was stolen. Too bad it had all of my money and my passport. My flight is tomorrow, and the embassy is closed until Monday. Guess who gets to stay in a foreign country with no money and no identification for the next 3 days. FML

by Anonymous / 03/19/2011 at 8:13am / United States (Ohio) / Holidays

Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML

by anonymous / 03/19/2011 at 6:32am / United Kingdom (Kent) / Intimacy

Today, my parents fought over who gets the dog when they divorce. Nothing has been said about where my brother and I will live when they split. FML

by unwanted / 03/19/2011 at 5:25am / Australia (New South Wales) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend of almost two years and I broke up. Earlier, we scheduled our classes for senior year to match perfectly. Can't wait. FML

by Uh oh... / 03/19/2011 at 4:45am / United States / Love

Today, I heard water splashing outside of my house; I investigated it, only to find my dad, whom I don't live with, syphoning gas out of my car. FML

by anonymous / 03/19/2011 at 1:53am / United States / Transportation

Today, my dad cussed out an individual on the phone because he thought it was a telemarketer. He was my Indian girlfriend's father. FML

by dollarstorepwnr / 03/19/2011 at 1:37am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous