Today, I found my sister licking all of the silverware and putting it back in the drawer. FML
Today, I accidentally sent my teacher a picture of me in my boyfriend's boxers instead of my essay. FML
Today, my brother woke me up by trying to light my bed on fire. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first handjob. I was nervous, so when she went to do it, I panicked and yelled, "Firmly grasp it!" She then couldn't stop laughing because it was a line from SpongeBob. FML
Today, I accidentally spilled a big glass of water on the table, where I had some papers, my cellphone, and a box of donuts. With lightning reflexes, my sister heroically jumped forward and saved the donuts. FML
Today, a kid looked at me, screamed, then ran away yelling "Chewbacca!" FML
Today, I lost a sewing needle in the carpet. No worries, my big toe found it. FML
Today, a woman yelled at me for holding a door open for her. FML
Today, while at work, a customer came up to me, stuck his finger in my armpit, then licked his finger. FML
Today, I made a speech in front of my entire graduating class and their families, despite my fear of public speaking. It seemed to go well and I got a big round of applause at the end. Then I panicked and instead of waving, I lifted my arm straight out in a Hitler salute. FML
Today, I heard my 2-year-old sister crying, so I left my room to comfort her. She looked at me, held my hand, escorted me back to my room and closed the door. FML
Today, I was home alone and tried to make some popcorn so I could watch a movie. Thirty minutes later, my parents came home and found me talking to the firemen. FML
Today, a guy asked me for my number. Now I deeply regret giving it to him, because he won't stop sending me Bible quotes and pictures of Jesus. FML
Today, I walked outside to see my dog killing my cat. My spouse tried to cheer me up - "Hey, at least we don't have to buy cat food anymore!" FML
Today, I was woken up to the crushing of my balls after my 5-year-old son thought it would be the best way to wake me up. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
