Mr FMyLongwiener , pleasure town 33 years-old
Today, I was snuggled in bed with my husband. He thought because my butt was twitching that I was trying to be frisky. So he slapped my ass hard in attempt to get something going. I was actually trying to hold in a huge fart because last night I had diarrhea. Apparently I still have it. FML
Today, I woke up with bruised nipples because apparently my boyfriend likes to excessively play with them while I sleep. FML
Today, I learned that my boyfriend waits 'til I am asleep to wack off to porn on the internet. We haven't had sex in months because he doesn't want to. FML
Today, I was texting this guy that I hooked up with yesterday. We were gonna do it again but he had basketball practice. I was talking to my friend about it, and sent her a text saying "Oh well. I have explosive diarrhea anyways." She wasn't replying, so I checked my sent box. I sent it to him. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me so he could sleep with my mom without feeling guilty. FML
Today, I was the only cash register open at the local supermarket. I had to sell condoms and chocolate frosting to my ex. FML
Today, I heard the sounds of women grunting in the living room. My husband knows I don't like him to watch porn, so I confronted him. He was masturbating to professional Women's tennis. FML
Today, I took a picture of my knob on my girlfriend's cell phone and set it as her background without her knowing. Minutes later, I heard her mom scream. She has the same phone. FML
Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do stuff to me. After finishing on my face, he then left. My parents had to untie me. FML
Today, when setting up for a rehearsal, my eldest teacher was standing next to me. My music teacher announces that it will be a tight fit and hard for everyone to fit in the area. The old teacher next to me leans over and whispers, "I'd like to fit in your tight area." FML
Today, I decided to have sex with with my boyfriend. After we had finished, I jokingly said, "Who's going to sleep in the wet patch?" He got up and said, "You're optimistic, I'm not staying. Oh, and I'm dumping you, that performance was disappointing." It was my first time. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me I look like a fish gasping for breath when I "finish" during sex. FML
Today, my mother walked in on my boyfriend licking whipped cream off my nipples. FML
Today, after ten minutes of squishing my boobs together for my boyfriend, trying to get him to stare, he glanced at them then blankly said "I've seen better tits on my mom, so baby just stop that" and smiled. FML
Today, while in a public restroom, a man entered the stall next to me and began vigorously wanking. He finished quickly, but as he was leaving he peeped in at me through the crack in the stall door. FML
Today, I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. FML
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