DinoJess

Today, I woke up feeling great. I opened up the blinds and looked out from my window just in time to see a man ripping my mailbox from the ground and sprinting away with it. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

Today, I saw a facebook status that said, 'Wedding today. Ugly people belong together.' I'm getting married today. FML

Today, my dad taped a picture of me to the fridge with "Do not feed the she-beast" written on it. FML

Today, the police were canvassing my neighbourhood about a recent robbery. When I answered the door, my brother saw badges, panicked, and jumped out our apartment's third-storey window in an attempt to escape. He thought they were after him for using a bong two weeks ago. I'm related to this twit. FML

Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes and he smiles at you, there's something creepily wrong. FML

Today, I realized that as a U.S. Marine in the infantry, I'm more afraid to talk to girls than I am of getting shot at. FML

Today, I noticed that when I sweat I smell like bacon. I'm a vegetarian. FML

Today, while teaching my high school class about astronomy, I showed them a picture of earth from space. One girl raised her hand, and asked me what the "white things" were. In other words, clouds. FML

Today, I let a guy I like look at my phone. A second later I remembered I had a secret copy of his Facebook profile picture on there to show a friend what he looked like. I was forced to tackle him to get my phone back. FML