Aujourd'hui, et depuis toujours, je déteste qu'on me touche le visage car je ne sais pas où les mains des autres ont traîné. Ma soeur est donc tout naturellement partie se laver les mains, avant de m'en coller une. VDM
Today, my 10-year-old daughter hid in her closet all day and did not come out. The reason? She didn't want to eat my pot roast. I didn't realize my cooking was that bad. FML
Today, during my daughter's 8th birthday at a skating rink, a family showed up that didn't RSVP. The mother brought all 3 of her kids and left them at the party alone. She didn't feed them lunch and they followed me around the whole time asking for money. FML
Today, my husband popped out to the hotel gym while I jumped in the shower. After a while I heard a knock on the door. Thinking it was him, I cheekily opened the door in my naked glory to be greeted by the maid. I didn’t know do-not-disturb signs aren’t double sided. FML
Today, at my job as a second grade teacher, I was explaining to my students how I'm pregnant and will have to take a break from teaching after I have my baby. One of my students replied with "Ooooooooohhh Ms. Johnson had sex!" FML
Today, my wife sent me a text expressing her "love and thinking to the future with you, Chad". Too bad my name isn't Chad. FML
Aujourd’hui, j'ai fait un gâteau au yaourt que je trouve étrangement gras. Après discussion avec ma famille, je comprends que "3/4 pots d’huile" veut dire "trois quarts" d’un pot et non "3 ou 4" pots d’huile. VDM
Aujourd'hui, en terminale, je m'interroge sur mon futur métier. Mon petit frère veut absolument que je devienne avocate. "Comme ça tu pourras me défendre quand je serai devenu un vrai gangster." VDM
Aujourd'hui, alors que nous étions dans une animalerie, ma fille de 5 ans a essayé de vendre son frère de 6 mois à des touristes. VDM
Aujourd'hui, je suis végétarienne. Lors d'une dispute assez mouvementée, ma soeur m'a frappée avec une tranche de jambon. VDM
Aujourd'hui, alors que je tentais désespérément de faire comprendre à mes élèves le terme "oxymore", l'un d'entre eux s'est écrié : "Aaah, mais c'est comme placer un MDR suivi d'un smiley triste !" Là, ils ont tous compris. VDM
Aujourd'hui, ma belle-mère, gênée, est venue nous demander, à mon mari et moi, de faire moins de bruit au lit, "parce que cette nuit, toute la famille vous a entendus." Euh, d'accord, sauf que moi, je ne suis venue vous rejoindre que ce matin. Je n'étais pas là cette nuit. VDM
Aujourd'hui, la personne qui doit réparer mon Velux m'a appelé pour me dire qu'elle ne pouvait rien faire... car il donnait sur le toit. VDM
Aujourd'hui, hyper motivée, j'ai préparé un bon repas à ma famille privilégiant les fourneaux à ma grasse matinée. Après 3 bouchées, ma fille a vomi à table. VDM
Aujourd'hui, enseignante contractuelle, je suis enceinte et mes élèves s'inquiètent qu'on ne renouvelle pas mon contrat après mon accouchement. Ils ont donc lancé une pétition pour que je retrouve mon poste après mon congé. Le nom de la pétition ? "Sauvez Willy." VDM
Aujourd'hui, pour la fête d'anniversaire de mon fils, tout le monde est venu déguisé. Moi, en tant que grand fan de Star Wars, j'étais en Chewbacca. Quand mon fils m'a vu, il m'a dit "Papa ton déguisement de petit chien est trop mignon." VDM
Aujourd'hui, soirées frites. N'ayant pas assez d'huile, mon frère a trouvé judicieux de vider un verre d'eau froide dans la friteuse bouillante. Il a 24 ans. VDM
Today, my wedding limo driver got high and forgot to pick us up, so the photographers gave us a ride back to the venue from the photo shoot. Three bridesmaids, a flower girl, and I, in my full wedding dress, had to fit in the back of the 1997 Toyota Camry. FML
Today, I tried to get the day off because of snow and ice on the roads, which had already caused 2 accidents close to my house. My boss just called me a useless millennial, fired me, and hung up the phone. FML
Today, based on the significant time I spend at work, my phone is automatically labeling my work destination as my home destination and my home destination as my workplace. FML
Today, I was spoken to by my boss about an argument I had gotten into with my co-worker, saying I needed to be "respectful of others' beliefs" and less "close-minded." The argument was over whether or not the Earth was flat. FML
Today, I realised yesterday was my 30th birthday. What made it worse is that my parents forgot, along with my other relatives and friends. No cards, no texts, no calls, no Facebook messages. Nothing. Happy 30th to me. FML
Today, at work, I heard a child whisper, "Mom, why do that woman's ears look like that?" The mom replied, "Because she's not smart enough for a good job." I have large plug ears and a degree in mechanical engineering. I waitress because no engineering firm will hire me. FML
Today, after getting into an argument with my dad, he told me that I would make a great ex wife one day. FML
Today, it's my birthday and my ex husband texted me at midnight to tell happy birthday. Too bad he couldn't have texted my new husband to remind him. FML
Today, my ex husband is marrying my sister. FML
Today, I realized my soon to be ex wife is stalking me online. Everytime I block her she creates a new profile. She left me 9 months ago. FML
Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex-husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML
Today, as I was picking up my 7 year-old daughter at my ex-husband's house, my daughter started crying saying that she wanted to stay with Daddy forever. I asked why. She said her stepmom was a better mommy. Apparently, the woman who broke up my marriage is now a better "Mommy." FML
Today, I decided to check out a dating site, when I stumbled across my ex wife's profile. She'd had it for four out of the five years of our marriage. And no, it didn't rate us as a good match. FML
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