Today, my husband told me doesn't really love me. He only married me because we had a daughter, and his grandmother told him he had to so she wouldn't be "an abomination to God." FML
Today, I was having really great sex with my boyfriend. I was on top and he seemed like he was really enjoying it. Then, I realized he'd fallen asleep. FML
Today, my mother decided to cook dinner for us and used rice that she had in her cupboard. While helping out, I stirred the dish and noticed black flecks. Turns out they were rice weevils. She tried to convince me it was "burnt garlic" and served it to the rest of the family. FML
Today, I'm going to a cocktail event, except my dress is wrinkled and can't be ironed, so I got my steam cleaner from storage. I saw what looked like mold inside the water container. Turns out a mouse had got into it, drowned and started to decompose. My apartment now smells like death and my dress is still wrinkled. FML
Today, after having sex with my boyfriend for the first time, he told me he wanted to break up. He told me my orgasm face wasn't something he could put up with. FML
Today, I took in an old friend’s fat cat for a month until she finds a place to live. Turns out the cat isn’t fat, just pregnant. I found out when I found two of her dead kittens in my living room. FML
Today, my ex threatened to not return my things that she still has. She even went on to say she will burn them, because she hates me and I "broke her heart". Not only has it been over half a year since we broke up, but she was the one who broke up with me. FML
Today, while at a party, my boyfriend threw a temper tantrum. He screamed at me and then gave me the silent treatment. All because I said, "No thank you" to the crab dip he got for me. I'm allergic to shellfish, we've been dating for two years and it's come up before. FML
Today, as I searched for food to take to work for lunch, I noticed that the only recent addition to our fridge is chocolate milk and popsicles. My mom went grocery shopping yesterday. FML
Today, I had an argument with my dad about Venice being in Italy, not Spain. He wouldn't believe me, and had to Google it. He's an engineer for an aerospace company. FML
Aujourd’hui, vivant seule mais ayant envie de me faire plaisir, je me cuisine un bon plat à base de piments. Plus tard dans la soirée, étant en manque, je décide de me masturber. J’ai juste oublié de me laver les mains entre temps. Ça brûle. VDM
Aujourd’hui, c’est mon deuxième jour en tant que serveuse. Lors du service du soir, je m’aperçois que beaucoup de clients veulent être servis par moi. A la fin de mon service, mon responsable m’indique que ma chemise est déboutonnée, au niveau de la poitrine. VDM
Aujourd'hui, je fais les boutiques dans l'espoir de me trouver un rouge à lèvres sexy. Verdict de ma fille : "Ouah trop beau maman, il sera top pour Halloween !" Visiblement, j'ai pas du choisir la bonne teinte. VDM
Aujourd’hui, je suis au bloc pour subir une opération du dos. Je m’installe sur la table qui, mal fixée, s’effondre avec grand fracas. Je me retrouve donc nue, les fesses à l’air devant tout le personnel soignant. Ils sont en état de choc. Non seulement c’est la honte, mais en plus j’ai mal. VDM
Aujourd'hui, mon frère a invité sa copine chez nous et ils jouent à la guerre dans sa chambre. Venant faire une partie de nerf avec eux, je débarque et je les surprends nus en train de se poursuivre. Mon frère tenait son pénis comme une mitraillette et elle ses seins comme des lance-missiles. VDM
Aujourd'hui, j'apprends que l'homme sur qui je fantasme depuis toujours craque aussi pour moi. Je me marie avec son frère aîné dans 5 mois. VDM
Aujourd'hui, mon ex-copine m'a appelé pour qu'on se remette ensemble. Il y a 5 ans, elle m'a brutalement laissé tomber pour vivre avec un de mes amis avec qui elle s'est mariée, a eu 2 enfants et vient de divorcer. Elle ne comprend pas mon désintérêt pour sa proposition. VDM
Aujourd'hui, sortant de ma douche et voulant embêter ma compagne, j'arrive dans le salon et je lui dis : "Police ! On ne bouge plus !" en la pointant avec mon sexe. Sa réaction : "Oh, une mini matraque !" VDM
Aujourd'hui, je passe une mammographie. Une fois l'examen terminé, je décide de retourner dans l'autre pièce pour me rhabiller. En ouvrant la porte, j'atterris directement dans la salle d'attente bondée de monde. De toute évidence, je me suis trompée de porte. Et je n’ai pas encore remis mes vêtements. VDM
Today, I got an email that my Amazon account was probably hacked, and they have gone ahead and canceled all orders that seemed suspicious. Two days ago I was celebrating that I'd finished Christmas shopping early. Never mind. FML
Today, I woke myself up by farting in my sleep, only to realize that the guy I'd brought home from the bar was still next to me. He was awake. FML
Today, I got pushed around by several suspicious mothers in a playground. I just wanted to sit down and rest my feet while I waited for my wife to finish her shopping across the street. FML
Today, my apartment management notified me that my water was going to be shut off all day so they could fix the plumbing. I took a laxative last night. FML
Today, I was looking at my boyfriend's rarely-used Facebook page as he was next to me. Last time he was online over a year ago, he had something up that said, "Still looking for that perfect girl." I jokingly said he should update it. He responded, "Why? It's still true." FML
Today, my girlfriend woke me up by punching me in the balls. It’s OK, I didn’t want kids anyway. FML
Today, at my surprise birthday party, my neighbor gave me a new dog collar. My dog was run over by him a week ago. FML
Today, despite the fact they know I'm commuting hundreds of kilometres, I was requested to come to work at the earliest possible hour, every day. I'll be waking up at half past 3 a.m. and admire sunrises on my way. FML
Today, I found out my roommates spent my rent money and told the landlord I never paid. I've paid my rent and theirs the past six months. My name's on the lease. FML
Today, I rushed home because my wife called to let me know she was feeling horny for the first time after getting over a bad flu. I walked in the door and surprise surprise, her sister had called round, wanting sympathy after her latest fuckbuddy dumped her. Romantic mood ruined. FML
Today, my vegan sister told my kids where meat and dairy products come from, in a very detailed way. They now refuse to eat meat, and want to, "rescue all the poor animals." FML
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