Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried and told him that I loved him. He gave me a quarter and told me to call someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was 25 cents short of the fare. I walked home in the rain. FML
Today, I was running on a track above a basketball court. I noticed several cute guys playing a pick-up game, so I tried to run my hardest. Not paying attention, I didn't hear when they warned me about the ball flying towards me. It hit me in the head, I then ran into a wall and face-planted. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I got just three calls all day. The first one was my fiancé, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancé for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office, to sing me a happy birthday. FML
Today, I was at the mall blasting music. I was wearing a nice shirt, and had my iPod in my breast pocket. I noticed a cute girl smiling at me, so I smiled back and as she started to walk over, I turned down my music while smiling. It looked like I was rubbing my nipple. FML
Today, I pulled a bee off of my friend's dog because we were worried he could be allergic. Of course I got stung, and of course the dog wasn't allergic. Turns out I am. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie where a girl proposed to a guy. He said, "I would hate it if that happened to me, obviously I don't want to get married if I haven't proposed myself." I was planning on proposing later. FML
Today, I was late for the bus. I chased after it for 3 blocks until I realized that the bus driver was laughing at me trying to catch her. FML
Today, neither of my parents fought for my custody. FML
Today, I was watching some pretty intense porn on my Macbook. I unplugged the second monitor so I could lie on my bed. Instead of defaulting to the screen, Airplay somehow synced it to the living room TV, where the rest of my family was watching a movie. FML
Today, at the age of 57, my dad got a unicorn tattooed on his shoulder. FML
Today, after giving my mother and my girlfriend their Christmas presents, I realized just how similar they looked both in box size and wrapping paper. I noticed after my mother gasped upon finding a vibrator in her box. FML
Today, after much self-doubt and awkwardness, I learned that I look amazing in a little black dress. Now I have to figure out what I'm going to tell my wife. FML
Today, I discovered why my boss kept on scheduling me to work doubles almost every day. It wasn't because she knew I needed the extra money; she was hoping that my boyfriend would break up with me because I'm never home, and date her instead. It worked. FML
Today, my son had to help out at the local retirement home for his community service. He got in serious trouble and came whining to me about it after he tried threatening some of the residents into taking part in a Harlem Shake video. FML
Today, my family flew out to surprise my grandma for her 70th birthday. When we arrived, she and my grandpa were both sitting on the couch, high, smoking a joint. FML
Today, I was sending intimate pictures to my girlfriend and accidentally sent one to my best friend. He sent me one back. FML
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