fishycanswim

Today, I found out my friends call me 'Shamu the whale' behind my back. FML

Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML

Today, at work I had to convince an 80 year-old mental patient that she's not Ke$ha and that she really has to put her clothes back on. FML

PRAISE THE LORD!

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML

Today, I went for a job interview. I was asked if I wanted a drink. I have no idea why, but I replied "a bottle of milk please." FML

Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML

Today, I was running a marathon. I stopped to massage my stiff legs, when an elderly spectator taunted, "Oohhh yeah, that's it! Massage those legs good, boy!" She looked about 70. FML

Today, I was told that I am an incredibly boring person and that it's no wonder I have no friends. I think they're right; last night I dreamt about a nail file. FML

Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML

Dad jokes

Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML

Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML

Today, while walking in the city with my little sister, she let go of my hand. Not wanting to lose her, I quickly tried to grab it back. That resulted in me grabbing some 50 year-old man's junk. FML

Today, my boyfriend admitted that the only reason he remembers my eye color is because it's the same shade of his shit after he's had a salad. FML

You OK up there?

Today, I had to endure yet another evening of the old man in the apartment above me screaming, "No, I don't want to shave my nose hair, you crazy bitch." He lives alone. FML

Today, my brother lost his first tooth, so I told him the tooth fairy is going to give him money. He now thinks The Rock is going to show up in his room. FML