EvictingItSoon
The miracle of barf
Today, what I thought was food poisoning is actually a baby. FML
Wadlaen
37 years-old
joey
Zapped
Today, my mom decided to try her new taser on me while I was asleep on the couch. FML
Carmen
That Monday morning feeling
Today, I couldn't sleep because a group of drunken guys decided to stay out all night singing Disney songs. They had loudspeakers too. FML
Anonymous
Working in retail sucks
Today, a customer yelled at me because we didn't have any laptops in stock. I work at a clothing store. FML
Anonymous
You just don't understand art
Today, I walked in on my roommate with his pants down at his ankles, taking a picture of his poop. This would've been less disgusting if we'd been in the bathroom, not the kitchen. FML
Melissa
Badmouth Strikes Again
Today, my 7-year-old sister had to tell my mom to watch her language. FML
notagain
🌶️ Spicy
Grindr danger
Today, while on Grindr, I met a guy who seemed really nice and we hit it off. After chatting for a bit, I received a message from his wife, telling me I'd better leave him alone. This isn't the first time that's happened. FML
MirandaKristine
Miami, United States
Go forth and NOT multiply
Today, my dad handed me my refilled birth control prescription. I thanked him, and he replied, "Well, God forbid you run out and reproduce." FML
Jonathan Park
Richmond Hill, Canada
Karaoke Dinner Disaster
Today, I went on a first date. She got plastered within the first hour, then a song came on in the restaurant and she told me, "This song's about meeeeee." FML
Anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
Gentrification strikes!
Today, I actually can't choose what's worse, hearing my direct neighbour having really loud sex on a regular basis, including furniture breaking, or hearing people cheering and playing the piano in the same room. Upper-class fantasy? FML
Alexxicks
So no one told you life was gonna be this way…
Today, I was asked a security question by my bank's app when I tried using it after a year. After two to three wrong attempts, I got it correct with the answer, "Myself." The question was, "Who was your childhood friend?" FML
Perry85
🌶️ Spicy
Cloud Cuckooland
Today, my girlfriend's husband heard us having sex, but he's so naive, he believed her when she said we were just watching porn. FML
0h_Boy
Death Rattle part 2: Electric Boogaloo
Today, at my job in a funeral home, I was transferring a body off a stretcher when it exhaled its last breath. Right into my face. FML
WTFiswrongwithme
Desperate times, desperate, dumb measures
Today, I was so desperate for human interaction that I asked a deaf girl in my class if she liked music. I actually signed it to her. FML
ThreeMoreYears
Jesus, take the wheel
Today, during my religion class, my instructor decided to use the state of the class's cars as a metaphor for our relationship with God. When I told him my car had been totalled in an accident last week, he yelled at me for being an "agent of Satan." One class down, 59 to go. FML
ohnomommy
Kids are assholes
Today, I was in line at a gas station with my 3-year-old daughter. A "little person" was in line in front of us, buying a pack of cigarettes. My daughter yelled, "No little boy! Only grown ups can smoke." FML
Anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
Fast and Furious
Today, my girlfriend were having sex. When I finished, she whispered in my ear, "30 seconds." FML
Cindell Hanson
Kids these days…
Today, a student told me to fuck off. I work with 3 year-olds. FML
JoeBidenIsMyFIL
Boundaries, dude!
Today, I had to physically restrain my girlfriend from assaulting my father after he drunkenly poked her in the ribs for the fifth time. FML
Anonymous
May be
Today, while I was at my job as senior care, I was in a client's home vacuuming the carpet and found a very used vibrator that belonged to his wife. It wasn't clean. FML
Anonymous
This Charming Man
Today, I met my girlfriend's dad. It didn't go well since unfortunately he’s the guy I had to remove from the club I’m the bouncer at, and had to report to the police for getting drunk, stroking himself over his pants and taking photos in the ladies toilets. FML
Anonymous
Why I did that?
Today, I was trying to shave down there. I'm about 6 months pregnant, and I can't see past my belly. I ended up scaring the crap out of myself into thinking I was miscarrying until my baby kicked and I realized I had just accidentally cut myself with the razor. FML
Anonymous
Not a girl, not yet a woman
Today, I got a very accusatory phone call from my daughter's teacher. According to my daughter, I absolutely refuse to let her eat in the morning. In reality, I told her it’s her responsibility to get herself up and get breakfast on her own before we leave. My daughter is 17 years old. FML
Anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
Spice it up
Today, a few days after I let my boyfriend introduce food into our sex life and we used melted chocolate, I've now got a UTI. I’ve never had a UTI before in my life, so I’m blaming him for the fact it feels like I’m peeing needles dipped in acid. FML
Anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
Too dry
Today, I spent the evening with my new wife at the doctor’s because she thought she had a UTI. The doctor sent the nurse to talk to us because he was too embarrassed to tell us that we just needed to use more lube. FML
Anonymous
So innocent
Today, my 5 year-old stabbed me in the back with a pencil because I "stole" her nose and wouldn’t give it back. My daughter has been sulking now for 3 hours and refuses to breathe until she gets her nose back. FML
Anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
My alarm
Today, yet again, I woke up at the sound of my parents having sex like apes, and couldn't get back to sleep. FML
Anonymous
Just once
Today, at last, my husband instigated sex for the first time since the honeymoon a few months ago when he started fondling me in bed. Then I realised he was asleep. FML
Anonymous
Bad liar
Today, I was supposed to see my boyfriend for his birthday. He said his parents were coming down and it may not be a good time for us to really enjoy each other. Last night I saw a picture of him feeding popcorn to baby llamas with his drunk stoner friends. FML
Anonymous
When karma does its job
Today, I found out the guy whose ass I used to routinely kick in high school is now dating my 19 year-old daughter. FML