Today, my boyfriend said I didn't give him enough attention because of my busy work life. So… he got me fired. Looks like my calendar is clear. FML
Today, I got mugged. For my Big Mac. What the fuck? FML
Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML
Today, after waiting in front of a washroom stall for 20 minutes to take a dump, I finally realized that the "person" in the stall was just a pair of shoes. FML
Today, my cat loves to chase birds. In fact, he loves it so much, he ran out of the litter box mid-poop to chase one, forcing me to wipe his ass. FML
Today, I angrily waved away an annoying fly with a large knife. I stabbed myself in the shoulder. FML
Today, I work as an assistant to a sculptor. We finished all our projects early so his wife decided to have me clean their kitchen. I wasn't paying attention and picked up a dead mouse. I screamed and threw it away as hard as I could. It hit their five-year-old son in the face. FML
Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip this weekend so that she won't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML
Today, I discovered that alcohol makes me red-faced, extremely gassy and eager to discuss my virginity with everyone. FML
Today, I'm 8 weeks pregnant and suffering from severe pregnancy brain. I was making my husband's lunch to take to work. I realised shortly after he left that I'd used dish soap instead of BBQ sauce for his sandwich. He has to turn his phone off for work, so I have no way to warn him. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by sending me flowers that said, "I just need some space, forever. I hope I never see you again, even if you were a great person. It's not you it's me." FML
Today, I was watching a beautiful flock of birds flying overhead while walking in the street. The guy next to me was lucky enough to catch bird poop with his forehead. I was lucky enough to get distracted by it, trip, and break my ankle. FML
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