Today, I came out to my mom as a lesbian. She told me that it was impossible, because since she isn't one, she therefore couldn't have given birth to one. She still won't believe me. FML
Today, I had to turn down an offer of what seemed like some sexy time with a cute girl because my intestines were bursting with an intense desire to unleash molten lava. I rushed home to squat down, only to let out a disappointingly small piece of crud and a tiny fart. FML
Today, I was mugged. Not for a laptop, cell phone or money, but for the cupcake I was eating. FML
Today, my long-term boyfriend insisted on me going down on him. When I asked what he would do in return, he said, "I was thinking McDonald's." FML
Today, I learned why one should never insert a tampon after squeezing lemons. FML
Today, my husband and I were watching Lord of the Rings. My husband told me he sees the eye of Sauron every time he goes down on me. FML
Today, my iPhone got back from being fixed. When I opened the box there was a note attached to my phone that said, "All you had to do was turn it on." FML
Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I left with referrals to both a dermatologist and a mental health professional. FML
Today, I asked my husband if he knew what day it was. His answer was, "Garbage day?" It's our six-year anniversary. FML
Today, my daughter proudly showed me her new tattoo sleeve, which is made up of an angry cupcake, hemp leaves, and a My Little Pony character. She's almost 30, still unemployed, and still lives in my home. I now have no hope of her ever becoming a productive member of society. FML
Today, my fiancée's OCD hit a new low when she screamed at me for flicking the light-switch off "the wrong way". This led to her flicking it on and off about a dozen times, followed by a twenty-minute lecture on how to do it "properly". We're getting married next month. FML
Today, I was speaking to my mother on the phone, when she mentioned that my dad had surprised her last week with a pearl necklace. Before I could quite grasp what was going on, I'd popped a boner and visualised the scene. What the hell is wrong with me? FML
Today, after rolling my car on the highway, I witnessed several people stop and get out of their cars to take pictures. No one asked if I was okay, and I was the one who had to call 911 for myself. FML
Today, I asked my best friend if he would do me the honour of becoming my son's godfather. He replied, "Um, that's just rude. You know I'm an atheist." Huh? FML
Today, I learned that if you go through your best friend's phone, you can find sexy texts and nude pictures between him and your girlfriend. FML
Today, my OCD boyfriend stopped mid-way through sex just to crack all ten of his knuckles after accidentally cracking one. FML
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