Mr 27 years-old In a relationship
Today, I asked my mum why she never had any children after me. She scoffed and asked if I've looked in a mirror lately. FML
Today, my 12-year-old son was shot in the foot. After hours of not talking, including to the police, he finally told us that his friend accidentally shot him with his dad's gun, and that he didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to "lose any street cred by snitching." FML
Today, someone took my flatscreen TV at my garage sale because some kid snuck a "free" label onto it. FML
Today, I was playing with my phone after midnight, and I kept getting calls from a withheld number. The guy just breathed heavily and wouldn't speak. When the third call came, I asked, "Who the hell are you?" The call ended, and my dad yelled from outside my door, "ME! Now go to sleep!" FML
Today, my husband refused to let our 7-week-old daughter have a pacifier, because he doesn't want her growing up to be a "whore." FML
Today, my five-year-old daughters realized that if one of them rang the doorbell, it would keep me distracted long enough for the other one to steal cookies from the kitchen. FML
Today, I witnessed my boyfriend taking a dump in the litter box. He said he wanted to know what it felt like for the cat. FML
Today, while on a family Disney World vacation, I saw a kid shitting on a public bathroom floor. It was my kid. He's 10. FML
Today, I got my dad to fill in a questionnaire my teacher handed out on Friday. One question said, "I would like to see my son/daughter ______." My dad wrote in the blank space: "Less often." FML
Today, I got to spend all of my time scrubbing poop off the walls and carpet because my 2-year-old decided he wanted to 'paint mama a picture.' FML
Today, I had to basically ground my own husband, after he tricked our 6-year-old son into getting his tongue stuck to a frozen pole. FML
Today, my husband and I were fighting over money. As we were arguing, our 13 year-old daughter stole $250 dollars from my purse. FML
Today, I joked with a pregnant girl in a state juvenile correctional facility where I work that eating a lot of candy would damage the unborn baby's teeth. Without batting an eye, she responded that she would simply "eat some toothpaste after the candy." FML
Today, I took a nap in my car right after finishing up at work. I was woken up by a hobo sitting in the passenger seat, watching me sleep. Apparently, he'd managed to unlock the door with a wire hanger. FML
Today, I told my friend I would pay him to ask out the ugliest girl he knew. He asked out my girlfriend. FML
Today, I dreamed that Robert Downey Jr. kept flirting with me and asking me out. Each time, I refused him, because I'm taken. When I proudly told my boyfriend, he said, "What the hell? I could've kissed the mouth that kissed the Iron Man!" FML
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