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Not smart

Mateo - 14/12/2008 03:58 - France

Today, I surprised my girlfriend by turning up at her flat on her 24th birthday. She got up from the couch as I entered, and I shouted, "Tonight, my cock is going to stab you twenty-four times!" (Okay, that's not smart). That's when her father glanced over from the couch and greeted me. FML

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stupidbullcrêpe - 20/08/2012 22:06 - Brazil - Santos

Today, my pregnant wife broke down in tears over the fact that since moving to Brazil for my job, we don't have regular access to macaroni and cheese. FML

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anon - 20/08/2012 05:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend got a hotel room with a jacuzzi, drinks, and tickets to Six Flags for my birthday. He is currently passed out drunk on the other side of the bed, cursing me out in his sleep. FML

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sincerely depressed. - 09/08/2012 21:42 - United States - Fremont

Today, at work, I decided to make things more interesting, so when I called people I used a fake accent. As I was using an Australian accent, the person I was talking to asked me where in Australia I was from. I desperately replied, "Where the kangaroos are..." I'm now jobless. FML

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Freak out

LaurenB - - United States - Epping

Today, after a very painful mouth surgery, I went home to take a nap. Then my nose started bleeding, so I stuck a tissue in it and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was so high from painkillers that when I saw the tissue, I thought it was a ghost. I screamed so loud I burst a stitch. FML

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