Today, I got a lecture about being lazy and not being active enough for my age, which ended with, "When I was your age, I was out every night having sex with anything that breathed." Thanks Gran. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my parents asked me if I was sexually active. My grandma then screamed from upstairs, "She's not even physically active!" FML
Today, my dad gave me a twenty minute lecture about responsibility and how lazy he considers me to be. He then yelled at me for not making his bed and getting his clothes off the floor. FML
Today, I went downstairs to get a drink and overheard my grandparents talking about me. They spent a good 15 minutes double-team attacking me for my failings as a human being, mainly me not being married with children yet. I'm barely 20. FML
Today, I worked overtime with three guys who never shut up about partying and getting laid. When I finally escaped the testosterone and got home, the first thing I heard was my grandpa telling my dad all about how he once fisted a girl to orgasm. FML
Today, my grandma told everyone at our party to stay away from me, saying, "Ya might catch obesity from her and become fatass porkers too." I complained to my dad, at which point my gran faked being inebriated. My dad rolled his eyes and said, "She's DRUNK, honey. Chill out." FML
Today, my grandma took it upon herself to give me the sex talk. After explaining the mechanics in excessive detail, she said I shouldn't be afraid to sleep around. Apparently, I need to be comfortable with the man who'll be "conning me into blowing him for the next 50 years." FML
Today, my grandmother said she's noticed that I've been very angry lately. She came to the conclusion that I "haven't been laid enough" and my boyfriend is "not doing his job." Thanks Grandma. FML
Today, my grandmother gave me a huge speech on being abstinent until marriage. Being the honest person that I am, I told her I wasn't a virgin anymore. Instead of being mad and telling me I was going to hell. She asked me what my favourite things to do sexually were. And told me hers in detail. FML
Today, I was babysitting my barely-pubescent cousins, and they started talking about giving blowjobs to their "boyfriends". When I got mad at them, telling them they shouldn't be thinking of that stuff, they said I was just pissed because I "haven't gotten laid." FML
Today, I decided to be nice and pay a social visit to my slightly deranged grandpa. I ended up politely sitting through two hours of him lecturing me on how he "invented the modern tap", then on how sex is an Illuminati invention to "give sluts the STDs they need to kill us all". FML
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Top comments
UrCapsLockOn 12
plants breathe too how she manged to tap that ?? :S
xlord 27
apparently you burn a lot of calories during sex so she is right
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Comments (112)
UrCapsLockOn 12
plants breathe too how she manged to tap that ?? :S
boofgall 16
Was that all you got? A half-mangled first comment about plants?
WCARlover 35
10--screw plants? Pun intended? ;p
FMLshark 12
Carrots. Cucumbers. So many possibilities.
Kefka91 15
Blue whales have like a 16 ft penis... Gran's ****** must be massive after that. (note: I am not a marine biologist and haven't studied whale genitalia. This comment is meant to be funny, so any dick-weasels that wanna give me the anatomically correct length can shove it)
Il_Maestro 6
Those weren't ants, they were lice. A species many individuals prefer to keep away from their lady bits. But they breathe so it seems we've learned something else about granny.
onedeadfukk 0
•1 FYL no .... FYC
monkeywrench1 10
You gotta always listen to your elderly. So go out and do it like there's no tomorrow!
BeachBoi_Alex 7
Grandma's a Saucy Bitch ;)
RussianFox 13
Couldn't OP be referring to a grandad instead of a grandma?
Cartera 10
22 are you talking about the white blue whale or the black blue whale?
smump 0
Cacti too.
thelinlinx3 10
Well it's possible that she was too busy screwing other things that breathe, and never got around to plants due to old age :P
shutyourmouth12Z 7
This was the funniest comment I have read on this thread so far xD
summerguy97 16
De-Needled cacti?
xlord 27
apparently you burn a lot of calories during sex so she is right
unknown_user5566 27
This is true. Trying being on top, OP. It's a great ab workout. ;)
Il_Maestro 6
Hell yeah you do! What with all the chasing down your vict- uh I mean "partners" it's a wonder it isn't a commercialized weight loss program yet!
aaronfuegopop 7
Apparently? I thought everyone knew that
gr8koolkat 6
Sorry to burst everyones bubble but the average sex session only burns about 34 calories an hour, which isn't much... obviously this varies depending on what you do but saying you burn 'a lot' of calories is false hope really. :(
iMeganDoll 8
61- If you're only burning 34 calories, you're not doing it right. It should be more on the end of 200.
3040evan 2
In all truth you honestly don't burn that many calories in sex, it's only an average of 25-100 each time it can be more but very very seldom. Just FYI.
perdix 31
I'd think sex is so variable that there would have to be a wide range of caloric values. Laying there getting a BJ requires about 0 calories, while doing it doggy-style on tip-toes burns massive calories and gives you a great calf burn!
Halti 4
legend
elainelovesyou 7
So your grandma had sex with the family dog?
UrCapsLockOn 12
and the family tree :D
Yorih 19
Dude what's with your obsession with plants in this fml? O.o
StoryOfTheYear 15
Obsession? He mentioned plants twice, and one was more of a pun.
boofgall 16
19- That wasn't a pun, just saying.
xKandaxYuux 8
36- It was in fact a pun, being that he could be talking about an actual plant or he could be talking about the entire family. Or do you not know what a family tree is? Because if not I'd go ask google.
Ray_of_midnight 23
Obviously a dendrophile, a/k/a a "tree hugger".
shutyourmouth12Z 7
Maybe he was interested in learning about photosynthesis
StoryOfTheYear 15
So much for the sociological theory that family regulates sexual behavior.
diidiimi 10
Regulates yes, limits apparently not.
unknown_user5566 27
4- The intelligence radiating from this comment is truly a breath of fresh air. Thank you, kind sir, for not falling victim to the illness of ignorance that so often corrupts this generation. :)
StoryOfTheYear 15
29- I'll be honest, I just did an entire review packet only a few hours ago for my sociology final tmrw. XD
evig_fml 16
Anyone can google, and knowing is half the battle. Besides anyone who has ever step foot onto a collage campus should know that your family effects almost every social trend you have.
unknown_user5566 27
35- At least you're studying. :) Good enough for me! 37- College*. I also realize that google is a fine resource for answers like this. However, the way he wrote the comment suggests that he knows the material, and is not simply copying it from a website.
onlychildFTW 34
At least she's a hip gran! Haha but seriously that's not something you really want to hear about from gran, mum or any uncle, aunt and any family member really.
luckyd880 12
Ya she's not like those other lame grans that need "hip" replacement
SystemofaBlink41 27
You would've saved space if you just put "any family member" haha
CMorenita27 6
#26: haha your comment made my morning :)
RedPillSucks 33
Maybe she needs a hip replacement caused she wore out the last one with all that sex.
WCARlover 35
She's just trying to get you to burn some calories I guess haha
onlychildFTW 34
Well if you have a strong heart sex is a very healthy exercise. But to much of it can lead to gross things happening to your nono area. Haha.
pexy_fml 16
Should b proud
StoryOfTheYear 15
-.- You edited your comment. Can an admin plz just delete my comment. :(
luckyd880 12
Your grans a playa
kamikrazy 6
Apparently being a player doesn't get passed down through genetics.
_Peppermint_ 34
How is this a fml?
unknown_user5566 27
OP, it's 2012. Your grandma is right. Haven't you realized women are meant to be *****?
StoryOfTheYear 15
OP's name is Brian.
unknown_user5566 27
Damnit, you are right. That's what I get for not paying attention to detail. My bad. :)
evig_fml 16
Oh wow, so who is more sexiest now? Men or women?
unknown_user5566 27
38- Sexiest? Women, of course. ;) I was only joking with my original comment. Simply implying that our society expects promiscuity from everyone these days!
holzy2226 0
I love sex but that dosnt mean wome should be *****
perdix 31
#17, I like the way you think. I've always said that a "****" is a woman with the sex drive of a man.
esines 9
I understand society nowadays being fine wit sex n stuff but I don't think it promotes promiscuity. Cheating is bad mmmk
coffee_man900 16
Interesting points on this one. Did anyone notice that, as #30 stated, OP's name might be Brian and could possibly be a Guy? Some missed that. The other part that everyone seemed to have missed is that Op stated "Thanks Gran." Might just be Grandad, not Grandma. Maybe OP could be more informative. That would be great. :)
bizarre_ftw 22
I believe you have this wrong, if your statement were to be true and it were to be believed that it is socially acceptable to consider women only in existence to please men, then the date in question shouldn't be 2012 but 1812
perdix 31
#96, ah, the classic mistake. In 1812, it was women pleasing men. In 2012, the women are getting as much or even more pleasure from sex than the men they are having sex with. You gals had a pretty good run making us dudes give you shit and suck up to you by pretending that sex was a chore for you.