Miss
Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML
Today, my friend and I were filming football practice and talking about what guys on the team were attractive and who we would want to get it on with. We didn't realize that the camera was recording everything that we said. The tape was played to the entire team the next day. With sound. FML
Today, me and my friend decided to spy on my crush. He lives across the street, so we climbed on the roof of my house and watched him with binoculars. He was working out, and after 5 minutes he started writing something. He put a piece of paper against the window and it said, 'Stop watching me.' FML
Today, I was at a party when I got covered in the liquid from a glow stick. Thinking it wasn't a big deal I went to rub it off, but it stuck to my clothes. The cops came so everyone ran and hid in the bushes because we were all drunk. The cops arrested fifteen people because I glowed. FML
Today, it was my friend's paintball party and we were doing it in a forest nearby. When I arrived at his house, his parents said they already started, so I geared up and went out there to find that there was a note on a tree. It said 'Sorry', and then twenty people jumped from bushes and ambushed me. FML
Today, while driving home from work an old homeless man stepped out on front of my car. As I slammed on the brakes the man threw a bag of poo at my windscreen and shouted "Praise The Lord!" before carrying on as if nothing had happened. FML
Today, I had to take a dump. While looking for a book to read, I sneezed. The force of the sneeze caused me to shit my pants. The glob of dung then ran down my leg before falling out of my shorts onto my carpet, all in less than 5 seconds. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. FML
Today, my 6 year old son learned that if you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk. But if you give a hamster a cookie, he will try to shove the whole thing in his mouth, choke, and die. FML
Today, I was acting as Prince Charming for a 5 year old's birthday party. After my scene at the ball, the narrator asked the kids, "Was the Prince handsome?" and they all replied with a chorus of "Nooooo!" FML
Today, I was falling asleep on my desk, my head on my fist. My elbow slipped off the edge of the desk and I punched myself, leaving a fist mark on my cheek. At school, people think my parents hit me. My parents think I'm getting bullied at school. No one believes the actual story. FML
Today, my girlfriend was throwing a birthday party and got very drunk. She needed help getting to the bathroom so I picked her up and walked her to the toilet. Assuming she needed to throw up, she instead takes a huge, monstrous crap right in front of me. I can't look at her the same ever again. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend a letter, turns out it was the wrong address. My panties are now somewhere in Canadian post. FML
Today, I went to the pharmacy to purchase a brace for my sprained wrist. My wife and I had recently ran out of KY lotion, so I decided to pick up a bottle while I was there. It didn't occur to me that these two items could be perceived as being related until the cashier began to giggle. FML
Today, I fell asleep in a lecture. I laughed at something amusing in Dreamworld, but the laugh came out as a prolonged creepy groan in Lectureworld. I woke up to see everyone within a 5 meter radius staring at me. FML
Today, I was a TA watching the class take a test. I didn't realize that the projector was still on while I was searching the Internet. They watched me google "chronic itchy anus". FML
Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me a text saying: "I don't think we can see each other anymore, the nights were great, but I think I'm falling in love with Julie". I'm Julie. FML
Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML
Today, I was having trouble blowing out the last of the several candles on my bedside table. Exasperated, I blew as hard as I could, which sent hot wax from the other candles shooting into the air, all over my face and into my eyes. FML
Today, when I walked up to my car, all my windows were smashed. Thankfully, all I keep in my car is jumper cables, a pen, my car insurance and manual. Whoever smashed my windows apparently was pissed, 'cos they left a note saying "F**k you and your f**king station wagon." FML
Today, I drove from Seattle, WA to Vancouver, BC for the Three Days Grace concert. I was so excited when I found the building. There was a big readerboard that flashed "THREE DAYS GRACE" and I cheered. Then it flashed "CANCELLED." FML
Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML
Today, I found out I will not be getting my class ring. The jeweler has a policy against doing engravings that contain "obscene or offensive language or phrases". What obscene phrase did I want? My initials and year. W.T.F. 2010. FML
Today, I woke up to find my house TP'd. I also noticed our entire house was devoid of toilet paper. Someone had broken in just to steal our toilet paper and TP our own house with it. FML
Today, like many other days, I fell asleep in math class. Unlike other days, however, I woke up with a start while ripping a really loud fart in my sleep. The whole class heard it because it was during a lecture. Even the teacher was laughing at me and I had to walk, no, run out of the room. FML
Today, I wanted to take a nice hot relaxing bath. A wasp somehow got in, and stung me on the nuts. FML
Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML
Today, a doctor examined my wrist, which is completely swollen and painful. He diagnosed a case of tendonitis and asked me, "Do you use this hand for a particular sort of sport?" I just smiled like a twit. FML
Today, I went hiking with my friend. We both had to pee really bad, so we went to the edge of a cliff to relieve ourselves. He peed and it came and hit me in the face. He did it on purpose, so I decided to get him back and peed at him. The wind changed direction and hit me in the face again. FML
Today, I woke up to find my boyfriend watching me sleep. I asked him if he was staring at me because he was in love. He replied that it was because my farting wouldn't let him sleep. FML
Today, I was in line at the grocery store with my 3-year-old son. He was holding a tub of yogurt that had on it a cow wearing sunglasses. He shouted, "Mommy, look at the fat cow with the sunglasses on!" To my horror, the obese woman in front of us turned around. She was wearing sunglasses. FML
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