JustinBieber6

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML

Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML

Today, I set my AIM status to be the currently-playing file on my iTunes. I've downloaded a lot of porn to my iTunes, and I wanted to watch some. My status changed to "Girl in Latex gets fucked in the ass." FML

Today, I was bored and decided it would be fun to pretend to be an undercover cop and pull over other cars. The first car I pulled over was a real undercover cop. FML

Today, I was holding a lit cigarette in one hand and a lollipop in the other. Guess which one I licked? FML

Today, I tried to imitate Mary Poppins by jumping off a shed with an umbrella. I spent the next 3 hours in the emergency room. My leg is broken. FML

Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke, I put him underneath the sheets and farted. He attacked my nuts. FML

Today, I was working in a restaurant. On the receipt under "tip" someone actually took the time to write out "$0.00." FML

Today, while going to work, I was mugged. On the way back, I was mugged. FML

Today, I discovered my parents have spent my college fund because "2012 will happen" before I graduate. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not letting her keep the 75 cents that she stole from my truck. FML

Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML

Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML

Today, my mom sold our electronic stuff to pay for hurricane shutters. We live in Chicago. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML

Hanging

Today, I was at a local restaurant. The girl that I like walked by so I tried to give her a high five. My hand ended up on her boob instead. FML

I just can't hide it

Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML

Goodbye

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing a breakup note with permanent marker on my newly painted bedroom wall. FML

Today, I was baking cookies. I stared at them for 15 minutes and finally asked my dad, "Why are these taking so long?" He looked up at the oven and replied, "It might help if you turn the oven on." FML

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

Today, my five-year-old daughter came home from school. It's cold and she was very tired. I said, "Take off your socks and blow your nose." She took off her socks and blew her nose into them. FML

Good one

Today, I came home from work to my three year-old daughter sniffing the rug in the living room. When I asked her what she was doing she said, "Daddy, smell this." So I went, got on my knees and bent down to smell it? Then she pushed my face into the dog crap smeared in the rug. FML

Today, I was sitting in my room while my mom was talking to my uncle. I had my door open. She said, "Yeah my son doesn't know I have his phone password. Girls nowadays are real sluts." FML

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML

Today, on a dating site, I was matched with my brother, again. FML

Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss. FML

Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML

Today, my mother told me I looked like a hooker in my wedding dress. Thanks mommy. FML