Today, my crazy neighbor screamed at me from her porch for walking "too close" to her plants. I was on the sidewalk. She sprayed me with her hose anyway. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend over MSN that we had to talk. I log on to facebook and the first thing I see is that she changed our relationship from "In a Relationship" to "It's Complicated." FML
Today, while at work, I was picking up paper in the bathroom. In one stall I saw what I thought was a wadded piece of the brown paper to dry your hands. It wasn't until I realized it was sticking to my bare hand that I realized it was feces. Human feces. FML
Today, I was playing video games at 2am. My guinea pig started squealing at me, and wouldn't stop until I turned out the lights and got into bed. I'm 20 years old, and I've let a rodent dictate my bedtime. FML
Today, my best friend told me he masturbates to my Instagram page. Thanks, I guess. FML
Today, I introduced my parrot to oranges. Now she makes a high pitched scream if I don't give her any, and I've just run out of oranges. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when halfway through, he leaned over to grab his cup of hot coffee off the nightstand. He then attempted to drink it and spilled most of it on me. He never stopped thrusting the whole time, and wanted to continue after. FML
Today, the man who has been my stepfather for six years, has forgotten how old I am. However, he remembers exactly how much my real father owes him for child support. FML
Today, my husband and I had sex for the first time because we pledged we wouldn't have sex until we were married. He's terrible. FML
Today, it was our wedding anniversary. My husband takes me and our young son to a family-style chain restaurant. Hoping for a little romance, I ask him what he's excited about in our future, and he says how we shouldn't eat out like this anymore so we can afford to pay our income taxes. FML
Today, I was in line at the pharmacy when the man in front of me asked if I wanted to see a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. Before I had time to answer, he showed me a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. FML
Today, my date and I went to the movies. After the date, we were both on an instant chat room at our homes. Her personal message displayed "I think I love my ex again." FML
Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has a YouTube channel devoted to taking the camera out whenever he has to fart. FML
Today, I surprised my 7 and 1.5 year old girls with a princess dinner. I quickly realized it was a scam when the "princesses" arrived looking more suited to a bachelor party. I was able to quickly get the girls out, but have spent the evening explaining why Pocahontas was heavily tattooed. FML
colorfun tells us more.
colorfun 11
It was advertised as an event for children. The guy running the event refused to pay for the professional princesses when they showed up, ready to perform. I think he intended on scamming everyone since he had the other slutty costumes on hand. The whole thing was a disaster! Police were called, parents were screaming obscenities and threats, etc. My local news station just finished running the story.
Today, I took my 6 year old son to meet our new neighbours. When we got home he packed his bags and headed for the door. Once he reached the door, I asked where he was going. He replied, "To the neighbours'. They have a bigger television." FML
Today, my boyfriend got a new tattoo. It was a big tattoo of Pikachu on his hip. I told him now I'd feel like I was having sex with an 8-year-old boy. His defense? "No, no, think of it as having sex with Pikachu!" He still refuses to understand why that's weird. FML
Today, I put cucumber slices on my eyes to help me relax. I found this very calming till I woke up to ants trying to eat my eyes out. FML
Today, the couple I've been housesitting for returned. Apparently, I kept the place too clean, and they don't believe that I actually stayed here. They're refusing to pay me. FML
Today, for the second time in two months, the person in the bathroom stall next to me commented on how loud I pee. This time, she made racehorse noises. I'm now too self-conscious to pee in public again. FML
Today, a homeless guy told me I looked like shit and to have some self-respect. Right. FML
Today, my jeans got caught in the airport escalators. Seeing as how we couldn't get them unstuck, my mother made me take them off. FML
Today, I gave my 7-year-old a snowglobe. I had spent the last week deconstructing it, putting an action figure of his favorite cartoon character inside, and then putting it back together. Later, I find it smashed into pieces because he wanted to "play with the toy it came with." FML
Today, my older brother puked in the sound hole of my sister's guitar. He blamed it on me, and in revenge my sister beat me with the guitar. FML
Today, after my first flight landed late, I burned out my lungs sprinting full speed for 10 minutes to catch my next flight. The gate number on my ticket was wrong. It had been changed to one right next to where I had originally pulled up to. FML
Today, I moved in with my boyfriend. The first thing he did was hand me a paper containing listed rules he expects me to follow. When I asked if it was a joke, he promptly pointed to number 7 on the list, "Cleanliness is not a joke". FML
mukduk tells us more.
mukduk 21
Hello all, OP here. Just clearing things up. Seems I'm getting a lot of conflicting opinions. Some say "FYL, he's abusive, run away!" while others say "YDI because you should've known him better". Others seem to be in between. Well this might clear things up. My boyfriend is a total neat freak. No, he does not have OCD, he just hates messy things. He also just bought a bunch of new, shiny, modern, don't-defile-it-with-your-filthy-hands furniture recently, so he's being extra annoying about it. I, myself, am not as clean as him. I classify myself as someone who only cleans when it's needed. He cleans every. Single. Time. Before moving in, he said "when you get here, we'll have to discuss some rules" which I agreed to. I had a few rules in mind such as "put down the toilet seat" or "replace the toilet paper when it runs out" (now that I think about it, it was more bathroom rules than anything). When I got there, I thought we'd sit down and talk about it. Apparently that's not what he meant by "discuss". So no, I was not expecting the paper, but considering his cleaning habits, I probably should have. Here's an example of the rules he had: "1) NEVER eat in bed. Seriously. 2) Female products are to be thrown in a trash receptacle outside. 3) Wash the dishes before placing them in the dish washer." Yes, these do seem kind of ridiculous. Which is why I asked if it was just a joke. There were a lot of other rules as well, I think a total of 50 something? After reading them all, I had to sit him down and make a few compromises. The rules are a lot less strict now and I threw a few in there myself. He's actually a great guy, just loves to clean. I guess that's an upside right? Anyways, thanks to those supporting me. And thanks for reading this little novel I wrote. -mukduk (sorry my username has nothing to do with my FML, but it's a reference from the Office, so I think that'll suffice)
Today, I had to take a taxi to work, because I was pressed for time, and didn't have a ride there. When I got to work, I paid the cab driver, and realized I had spent more money on the cab than I was going to make at work. FML
Today, I clogged the toilet in the one-man bathroom at the corner store, with a line of about 5 people waiting outside. FML
coolster5000 tells us more.
coolster5000 22
OP here, I find all of your "shitty situation" comments very unoriginal;) but funny all the same. I ended up just telling them I went in and found the toilet like that, but I'm not sure they believed me whatsoever.
Today, I flew back home from out of state. When I got back to my house, my bed, furniture, and TV were gone. My girlfriend changed her number and I have no idea where she lives now. FML
Today, I was at my Mandarin teacher's house. I had diarrhoea and had to go to the toilet. My mum texted me while I was still in the toilet saying, "We all heard you". FML
Today, my girlfriend admitted to me that she has been sleeping with someone on her girls basketball team, which at first turned me on. Then I found out he's the team manager. FML
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