Today, for the sixteenth day in a row, my husband slept in the guest room because he doesn't want to disturb the dogs once they've fallen asleep on our bed, so they don't hate him. FML
Today, I missed my own surprise party because, having heard it being planned, I thought it was going to be an intervention. FML
Today, I was trying to see how far I could get away from the toilet while pissing. Instead I tripped over backwards and pissed all over my face. FML
Today, safety inspectors have deemed our basement unfit to serve as a bedroom due to a fire hazard. Our bed is now in the living room. FML
FMZiggy tells us more.
FMZiggy 22
Hey people, just to clear some things up, as is tradition: my girlfriend and I live in an apartment for students, within a house that has been divided into multiple apartments and studios. The municipality has recently decided to check all student housing, and before then it wasn't a problem to have the basement as our bedroom. Seeing as we are renting the place, we can't really make adjustments to it. They have also said that they would come check soon to see if we did as we've been ordered, so moving the bed back downstairs, apart from being a major hassle, is not an option. I don't disagree with them, as the basement does only have one exit, so we'd be screwed if there was a fire at night, but having the bed in the living room really sucks. We're currently looking for another apartment, hopefully we'll find something decent soon. #6 that got a laugh out of me. Or friends did use to call our bedroom the Sex Dungeon.
Today, I didn't have the courage to tell the guy who likes me that I only thought of him as a friend, so I asked my best friend to do it for me. It turns out that her way of doing this is telling him to "Fuck off" and then punching him in the face. FML
Today, I got a call from the only company that asked me to come in for an interview of the many applications I submitted. I answered it even though I was at my current job. My boss heard and chewed me out. The call was to cancel the interview since the position was filled. FML
Today, I cleaned my entire apartment hoping to find the source of the terrible odor I've been smelling for the past week. It's me. FML
Today, I brought a girl home from the bar. After sleeping together, she drunkenly stumbles to the bathroom to wash up. On her way back, she accidentally walks into my parents' room, turns on the lights and asks where her clothes are before figuring it out. FML
Today, my older brother thought it would be hilarious to have over 200 people show up at my house to celebrate my wedding anniversary with my husband. Apparently, this was his "I'm sorry" present for missing my wedding last year. FML
Today, I heard my asshole neighbor had died of a stroke. I was outside and said, "Well it's about goddamn time!" I turned around to see his wife walking her dog and staring deep into my soul. FML
Today, I drove to the liquor store completely naked except for my dressing gown, with a carload of idiot stoners who ran in and stole vodka, tequila and whiskey. We drank in a bush. Last week I was a good citizen, and now I'm white trash. I'm not quite sure what happened in between. FML
Today, while working at my new job at a veterinary hospital, I was excited that I set a urinary catheter in a dog for the first time. I guess I was a little too enthusiastic though, because I pulled it out too fast and bloody urine splashed up all over my face. FML
Today, I came home from a long day at work, and heard voices coming from my living room. I thought my house was being robbed so I called 911. Turns out I left the T.V. on. FML
Today, I bought "Angus, thongs and perfect snogging" on DVD. FML
Today, I saw one of those candies that you spray on your tongue. Only after spraying some in my mouth did I find it was actually perfume. FML
Today, my dad and I were shovelling snow off the roof. I told him I was going to jump off the roof. He told me to go ahead, so I did. He failed to tell me that the snow was packed and wouldn't break my fall. I now have an injured back. He didn't tell me because he didn't think I would actually do it. FML
Today, I'm attending a party where drunken women just can't seem to keep their clothes on. Those drunken women are my daughters. FML
Today, I met up with an old high school friend who I used to make fun of because he put so much effort into his studies. Turns out he makes my annual salary in a month. FML
Today, I took my car to a drive-through car wash. It wasn't until after my back seat was filled with foam and I had been squirted in the face that I realized my back seat window was rolled down. FML
Today, I passed out on the way to work. Some lucky passerby took this as an opportunity to help themself to my purse. FML
Today, I was at a friend's house. She has one of those automatic air fresheners, and I was amazed when it went off. To get a better look at it, I got real close to it. I saw a button and pressed it. The air freshener went off again, spraying nothing but my eye. FML
Today, I bought a $3000 HD camera. It never shipped to my house, so I was concerned. I then realized I had given the seller the address for a house in California. I live in Maine. FML
Today, after spending about 5 grand on my home studio over the past year, I realized I have no musical talent whatsoever. FML
Today, I was given a building key that students aren't supposed to have because they'll lose it. I told my coach I wouldn't lose the key. The same key disappeared not even 20 minutes later without a trace. I still can't find it, and it's been an hour. FML
Today, several family members, including my mum, deleted me from Facebook in a concerted show of contempt. Apparently, I just can't shut up about World of Warcraft. FML
Today, my mom woke me up and asked if I wanted breakfast. I had passed out naked on the kitchen floor after a party. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I thought she wasn't being serious when she said her mum wanted me to pay to stay the night at her house for the first time. FML
Today, I was playing with my yo-yo. I began showing off to my friends. When the girl I liked walked by, I thought it'd be really cool to do the move "dog bite". I ended hitting myself in the balls. Hard. FML
Today, I spent Christmas trying to cover up my mom's affair in hopes that my siblings could spend one Christmas without a yelling match breaking out. FML
NakuEh tells us more.
OP here. There have been a few questions, so I will take the time to answer them. First off, my siblings are 9 and 11 (I am a whopping 10 years older than them. Yay me.), so at this age I would like for them to keep being happy and innocent on Christmas and not associate it with the day their family was torn apart. In the case of my mom, she wasn't caught, but the reason I was the one who had to hide everything was because she was being heavily medicated after having a surgery and almost let it slip the night before. My dad has cheated on my mother multiple times and has not treated her very well, so I can understand why she would cheat and I don't pity him. I guess I've dealt with my mom crying over him for so long that I've seen this coming and it is karma. No matter what happens from here, I will not allow my siblings to be sad and have their family torn from them on Christmas because the adults don't know how to adult.
Today, I'm facing a disciplinary hearing at work because I occasionally fail to click the door properly shut when I leave the office and this is very upsetting to one of the six colleagues I share my office with. FML
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