Today, while going to the mall, I witnessed the horror of someone sneezing and shitting themselves at the same time. FML
Today, my $1300 mattress that I bought for my new home was delivered. To my old house. FML
Today, my mom was gifted with a toiletry basket. I grabbed the lotion and used it without asking. When I went out, it began raining hard. I got wet and noticed my skin got very sticky. Turns out the lotion was actually body wash. People were wondering why soap bubbles were coming from my skin. FML
Today, I was talking to my mother when we both heard a continuous buzzing noise. Unable to locate the source of the noise we gave up. About an hour later, my mother yells down the stairs to me. Turns out my dog stole my vibrator, chewed it and presented it to my mother. FML
Today, while on my break at work, my workmates convinced me to perform my "Indian accent" piece. Everyone laughed while I was doing it. Everyone, that is, but my Indian boss. FML
Today, my friend was showing me pictures of her and her family. I told her to stop at one of the pictures. I started laughing my back off and said that she looked grotesque. She asked me if I was serious, I swore that I was. It was actually a picture of her sister, who died 1 year ago. FML
Today, my rather large boss told me how the company needs to save money, how we are going downhill fast, even suggesting that we might go bankrupt very soon. He then went on to ask me to go get him some very expensive scotch using the company credit card to, "help him cope with the stress." FML
Today, I've had more crushes on fictional characters than actual people. FML
Today, I saw an older gentleman running through my store. I wasn't sure why he was running towards the front door until I looked at the floor and saw a poop trail behind him. The trail went from the front of the store all the way to the back of the store. Guess who had to get the mop and bucket. FML
Today, I saw a customer open a bottle of salad dressing, taste it, then put it back on the shelf. FML
Today, while in the drive-through for Taco Bell, I hit the car behind me after forgetting my car was in reverse. It was in reverse because I was worried the old lady in front of me was going to forget she was in reverse. She didn't. FML
Today, I went for a trial shift somewhere perfect for me to work. I knew loads about the place and how they worked. The trial shift went really well. Not even two hours after my shift, they rang to tell me I'd lost out to someone who swore at a customer. FML
Today, the police gave me a ticket for obstructing a loading bay as the vehicle "was not parked within the loading bay markings". I couldn't get the vehicle fully into the loading bay because there was a police vehicle in the way. FML
Today, when I threw my cigarette out of the car window, the wind blew it back in again. My pants got completely burnt. FML
Today, I was about to drive out of a parking lot. The space in front of me was empty, so I figured I could drive forward. I hadn't noticed that there was a median in front, and my car got stuck. FML
Today, I was meeting up with a friend in a town. He said he was at the restaurant we were going to meet at; I was too. Turns out I was in the wrong town. FML
Today, I opened my personal laptop at a company meeting. I forgot that the battery died while watching a porno last night. It was ten seconds of slurping, spitting and gagging. It was my first day. FML
Today, I watched a YouTube video at work because I was bored. I forgot I was on a conference call and my computer's desktop was shared with 15 other people. No one said anything till it ended. FML
Today, I decided to mock a few stuck-up runners by effortlessly jumping over the track hurdles. The last one was the easiest. The easiest to crush my balls on, and twist my ankle up in the process. FML
Today, I work as an assistant to a sculptor. We finished all our projects early so his wife decided to have me clean their kitchen. I wasn't paying attention and picked up a dead mouse. I screamed and threw it away as hard as I could. It hit their five-year-old son in the face. FML
Today, I found out that even though I suffer from insomnia most days, I can sleep within 5 minutes of studying Solid Mechanics, especially when I have an end term the next day. FML
Today, I found out that my boss, who had promised me a raise, is not promoting me. He says I don't have the right 'vibe' and I'm not 'relaxed' enough for the job. FML
Today, my mum and I decided to go on a hike. Beforehand we left my car at the end of the trail and took my mums car to the beginning. After 4 hours we arrived at my car. I had left my keys in mums car. It was a long walk back. FML
Today, I decided to brush up on my flirting skills and ask a guy I thought was kind of cute what time it was. He pointed to the very visible watch on my wrist and said, "You should know already." FML
Today, I was pulling into a parking garage space and using the next car over to judge where the wall was in front of me, but ended up whumping my front bumper as I pulled forward. Wondering what had happened, I got out to see that the car I was aligning myself against had hit the wall too. FML
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I called him about two minutes after, and he'd already fallen asleep. FML
Today, I went to the bookstore and saw a stunning girl reading. I walked over and picked up a book, thinking our two books were the same category, hence a good conversation starter. She looked at me, and I pointed at my book and smiled. After that, she left. It was a sex position book. FML
Today, I decided to not go to a strip club for the second Saturday in a row, because I didn't want to appear desperate in front of the strippers. FML
Today, Facebook notified me a "friend" had tagged me in one of his photos. It was a group photo of 20, but my face was the only one that was intentionally blocked out with an emoji because I "didn't belong in the group." FML
Today I caught my husband cheating on me in our bed with my 19-year-old brother. FML
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