Today, I've tried literally every possible brand of antiperspirant deodorant available to me in my area. I went to the bathroom to discover I'd pitted out my favorite shirt. It's mild weather, I have done nothing active, and I'm not stressed. My body just loves to make me sweat. FML
Today, at work, I was ringing up some tampons for a woman, and I usually try to interact with the shoppers as much as possible. I was trying to think of something witty or funny to say but drew a blank, so I decided just to say, "Have a nice night." What I actually said was, "Have a nice flow." FML
Today, I asked the guy I share a desk with at work out because he has texted me a few times and seemed pretty into me. He said he doesn't date coworkers, even though the last 5 people he's dated have been coworkers. FML
Today, my university is capable of sending me two diplomas in short succession due to a clerical error, but can't recognize that I've graduated and won't be taking classes with them in the fall. FML
Today my daughter asked me to do her a huge favor : undergo a liposuction transplantation where my fat would be sucked out then put into her butt and thighs. Apparently, I am the fattest DNA match to her, lessening the risk of her rejecting the transplant. FML
Today, I found out the little blue thing that my roommate has been sterilizing by boiling in our shared coffee maker, is a menstrual cup. FML
Today, I was cycling with my uncle and became increasingly frustrated as we got further and further from our intended destination. It took me a while to figure out that I had somehow lost my uncle and was following a complete stranger. FML
Today, I went to my required district science fair with my project about gliders and was a bit unprepared in terms of personal knowledge on the science behind gliders. I was hoping I would get a judge who didn't know a lot about aerodynamics. One of my judges was a glider pilot. FML
Today, I gave my grandparents my old cell to use since they needed an upgrade. I thought I had deleted everything until I received a text from my grandmother. It was a vagina shot I had taken for my fiancé with a message that said "You need to wear more makeup". FML
Today, I took the family to the Rainforest Café. There was no parking and I hate having to pay $12 for valet parking. I parked at Walgreens across the street in the only spot without a "Patrons only, violators will be towed" sign. It was covered by the tree branches. It cost me $225 for the cab and fine. FML
Today, while in bed, my nose became runny. Being as tired as I was, I decided to ignore it until the morning. Turns out it was a nose bleed, and my pillowcase is ruined. FML
RustyGuy tells us more.
RustyGuy 0
To add to the details: 1) The Pillowcase is part of a full set, so if I can't manage to get the blood out... and anyone who has tried removing dried blood knows its friggen hard... It's going to be very hard to find a matching replacement. 2) The reason I was so tired is because I'm an animation student at BCIT, and am working my ass off to finish my demoreel on time. I haven't had a proper nights sleep in quite some time. Still; i probably should have grabbed a tissue.
Today, I was in my room, in my briefs and texting my girlfriend. Suddenly, I got a massive erection and I decided to take a picture to send her. As soon as my camera phone clicked, my mom walked in. You can see my mom in the picture screaming at me. FML
Today, while I have never been able to say my dog ate my homework, I do get to call several people and tell them my dog ate my wallet. He even chewed up my driver's license. FML
Today, the guy I was dating told me he thought I was a good person. His reasoning? I'm not ugly enough to be a bad person, but I'm not pretty enough, either. FML
Today, I woke up with a nasty cough. My mother gave me cough syrup for it. After about 30 minutes, I was dizzy, nauseous, and high as a fucking kite. Turns out the cough syrup reacts badly with my prescription medications, making me even sicker than I already was. FML
Today, I went to let my puppy out, and I turned around to see her peeing on the carpet. After getting her outside, I saw my little sister pooping on the floor. FML
Today, like any other day I moan after I sneeze. The only issue is that today my husband was on the phone with his grandmother, and had to explain to her, while trying not to laugh, that he wasn't having sex with me while on the phone. FML
DeadLily tells us more.
DeadLily 19
Lmao. OP here. I have had sex while my husband or myself being on the phone. It's just really embarrassing when it happens around other family members since I don't see them often. Now being both of us are gamers, our friends hear it all the time through teamspeak. And the jokes never cease. Anyways. I don't even get pleasure out of it, it's just a reflex. Also! Thanks for the comments! You guys are great!
Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend. There were some tents set up out the back so we decided to go in one. When we came out we got weird looks. It turns out my friend had turned on some lights behind the tent, showing a huge silhouette of me giving head. FML
Today, I dropped my knitting project while I was sitting down, but I managed to catch it between my legs. So my knitting needles also caught me. FML
Today, I finally found someone who liked me and wanted to kiss me. It was a 5-year-old at the daycare I work at. FML
Today, my step-mom asked if I was having some eating issues. I admitted that maybe I've picked up some bad habits from friends and school. Now she won't stop bombarding me with self-help books and therapy websites. FML
Today, I spent an hour photoshopping my face onto super skinny models as inspiration for a diet. FML
Today, I finally gave my mum an expensive designer dress I spent months saving to buy for her as she had been very depressed. However she has gained so much weight from stress eating she ripped it when trying to put it on, and now won't talk to me because, "I wanted to make her feel fat". FML
Today, a friend who I hadn't seen in a while offered to give me a ride. I didn't really know how to give directions to my house, so when we had been driving for a while and it was getting awkward, I just pointed at a random house and pretended to live there. FML
Today, my boss berated me in front of 2 other coworkers about how unprofessional it was for me to show up to work with a clearly visible hickey. I had to explain to him that my "hickey" was actually a huge pimple that had bruised up after I popped it. FML
Today, I was cleaning my room and set my burnt out light bulb on my computer chair without any second thought. Later, I sat on the chair, the light bulb shattered and I got a huge gash on my butt. FML
Today, I had to visit a new office building for a meeting. Halfway through the meeting, I got really nauseous and needed to throw up. I ran to find a bathroom, but got lost and ended up in a printing room. With no other option, I was forced to puke into a large envelope. FML
Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. We were messing around and I always jokingly say, "You're adopted, nobody loves you!" to everybody. His reply, "That's pretty fucked up, I am adopted." He really was. FML
Today, after 22 hours running around the hospital, I found some time to sit still and have a sandwich. My attending physician walked by and commented that I must not have enough work to do. The same person who 12 hours ago said finding time to eat was a skill, since I was eating on the go. FML
AverageAvarice tells us more.
Hey this is OP, I know a lot of people are not familiar with the hours residents must work. I work an 80 hour week. 12-24 hour shifts 4-5 days a week. I must take a break every 16 hours but it's usually every 12. I have a locker with blankets, clothes etc. I sleep in the doctor's lounge and shower in the locker room. I'm on 24 hour call for the ER this month and since anything can happen at anytime I'm constantly being called for something while on break (when ever I'm eating). It's really not bad once you get used to it, I can sometimes squeeze in a couple hours of sleep at the end of a twelve hour period, do some studying then clock back in. Adrenaline wakes me up in serious situations. My attending physician is a nice person but really brutal with their assigned work-load. I must work long hours so I can observe the full conditions of the patients assigned to me.
Today, I was having a debate with my friend, who actually believes karma is real. He got very angry with me and stormed off, tripping over his own feet in the process. I laughed and asked what he'd done in a past life to deserve that one. He responded by getting up and punching me. FML
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