Today, my son learned about various animals in school, and how they urinate to mark their territory. Apparently, the entire second floor of my house is now my son's territory. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 years drunkenly proposed to me, while sitting on the crapper, with the door open. FML
Today, my girlfriend of eight years explained to me that the Egyptian pyramids were built by aliens from Mars. I have a B.S. in Biology and an M.S. in Anthropology, and I'm working on my Ph.D. She thinks I'm an irrational idiot for telling her she's wrong. FML
Today, I signed up on one of those "cheater" dating sites. I ended up meeting my own girlfriend. FML
Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML
Today, I was so bored I began practicing an irish jig. For two hours. FML
Today, I came home about two hours early from a friend's party. After I walked in and upstairs, I quickly and quietly left and went back to the party. I guess my parents decided to have a little party as well. It's called a threesome with my neighbor. They still don't know that I know. FML
Today, I kept having dreams that I had made drunken snapchats. Those weren't just dreams. FML
Today, I found out the girl I was in love with has a new boyfriend. I blame myself because I believed her when she said she "wasn't ready" for a relationship. FML
Today, at daycare, a little girl cussed me out because I didn't have any apple juice left. When I called her parents, they sided with her and cussed me out too. My boss refused to sympathize, and reprimanded me for not making sure we still had apple juice. FML
Today, I had lunch with a coworker, and after having a good talk and enjoying each others company, we got up to leave. Right before we said goodbye, she looked me right in the face and, looking legitimately confused, said, "You know, I really don't understand why no one at work likes you." FML
Today, the guy I've been sleeping with for the last three weeks got really drunk. I drove him home from the party and took care of him. At 2am he asked for the phone. When I asked what for, he said he wanted to drunk dial his girlfriend. FML
Today, while kissing my girlfriend's neck, I sneezed a blob of snot onto her. She told me that "it doesn't matter", while hiccuping a bit of vomit. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom masturbating. I want to run away. I feel violated. FML
Today, my now-ex boyfriend treated our waitress like shit. She was a young lady who just came from Venezuela and barely spoke English. He gave her no tip, ranted about “fixing this goddamn border problem” along with xenophobic slurs. Apparently, he’d forgotten I’m an immigrant too, from Colombia. FML
Today, a booklet came in the mail, addressed to me and titled "How To Train Your Wife". I didn't order it but my wife doesn't believe me. FML
briang959 tells us more.
briang959 47
I'm the OP. Thankfully my wife has a good sense of humor. We eventually found out some of our friends did this as a joke. :). Time to pay the prank forward. The comments are hilarious, BTW.
Today, I was having a bad day at work. Then, on my coffee break, a little boy walked up to me and told me I was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen. I'm a guy. FML
Today, I have to go on a 7-hour-bus ride sitting beside my ex-boyfriend's mother. We broke up because she told him to. FML
Today, I was babysitting a little girl down the street. She pulled out her 'memory box', which contained many childhood treasures. After pulling out a variety of dresses and baby pictures, she says, "... and here's my belly button!" and plops an umbilical chord in my hands. FML
Today, I was supposed to leave for Disney. Our trip was cancelled last year because of the pandemic. This morning, we found out my sister’s boyfriend, who was a last-minute add-on to the trip, has COVID. Cancelled again. Maybe next year. FML
Today, my wife found out when I’m super busy with work and can’t be bothered to walk upstairs for a pee, I just pee into a bottle and empty it out the window onto the grass. I get it’s sorta gross but the way she was yelling you’d have think I took a shit on the drive in full view of the neighbours. FML
Today, I had a softball tournament which also landed on my birthday. My dad had to leave town for work, so he left me a card on my night stand. Instead of a happy birthday, all it said was 'Don't mess up the game for everyone'. FML
Today, a client came in to pay for her storage unit, and like every other time she comes in, she lifted up her shirt and practically showed me her boobs. This lady is in her 70s and is morbidly obese. Oh, and she also told me that the Nazis had the right idea. FML
Today, I found out both my parents are career criminals. My dad expects me to join the "family business" and my mom has decided that they'll "never get her alive." FML
Today, I need money to fix my car, I need my car to get to work, and I need work to get money. FML
Today, I mentioned to my girlfriend that I'd sent in a job application after she went home. In front of her parents. Who thought she'd stayed the night at a friend's place. FML
TysonY2 tells us more.
TysonY2 2
CLARIFICATION: (Yes I am the op) Yes, she stayed the night at my house. We are both 18, and have been dating for 4 years. Her parents had been assuming we had been "fooling" around for quite some time, so they weren't really per say SHOCKED when it slipped my mind. We both live with our parents, but my mom left for the night. The reason it slipped my mind was because she was the one who told me there was an opening (she saw a sign as we were driving back from getting coffee the morning after), so to my stupid ass brain attributed her directly to applying in the first place. Her mom laughed, and her dad remained silent. Her little brother also remained silent.
Today, I woke up, got dressed, and left for the 1 hour drive to the nearest vet. When I arrived, I realized that I left my cat in its carrier on my kitchen counter. FML
Today, my boyfriend convinced me to skip school with him. His mom came home early. I had to hide in his closet and wait 6 hours for her to go to her book club meeting. FML
Today, it's been 3 months since my dog scratched my 9 year old granddaughter after she walked over and repeatedly kicked him. My daughter has disowned me and won't let me see my own grandchildren until I have my companion of 11 years "destroyed". FML
Today, my coworker and I were sitting and eating lunch. We noticed a little kid kept staring at us, and every time we looked away he would come a little bit closer. When he was right behind us, I looked and was startled enough to jump. The parents were three tables down, laughing uncontrollably. FML
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