Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my wife yelled at me for not helping her rearrange the furniture. I have a sprained shoulder and have been ordered by my doctor to avoid heavy lifting. She said, "Move the couch or sleep on it." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML
Today, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to find that I had slept through my house getting robbed. FML
Today, I got home from work and face-planted into my sofa because I hate my job, suffer from depression, recently lost my wife to cancer, and a host of other BS. As I face-planted it turned out that my sister invited herself over and had fell asleep, curled up under a blanket. Our heads collided at 30 mph. FML
Today, I took a nap on my couch. I woke up three hours later to my neighbor knocking on my door, asking if I was OK because looking from the outside in, they thought I was dead. Guess I sleep like I’ve been hit by a truck. FML
Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML
Today, for the second time in a row, I slammed into the edge of the doorway while half asleep. My entire body hurts. FML
Today, I woke up with a pounding headache. My wife tells me that last night I woke up from a nightmare, screaming, tried to run away, and knocked myself out running headfirst into the bedroom wall. So she put me back to bed and went back to sleep. FML
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML
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Top comments
baconftw 9
How did you not see her?
alexh15 13
Some guys actually enjoy sleeping on the couch. It's kinda like camping.....
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Comments (146)
baconftw 9
How did you not see her?
keepcaImcarryon 0
i have a perfectly reasonable explanation to this. his wife was making a snow angle in the driveway before BAM :D
KYLAisaBITCH 4
Could you, by any chance, explain what a "snow angle" is? Angel***
GrooveSponge 0
Oh goody. The Grammar Nazis have invaded. ANNYWAYS OP, I could definitely see how you could do that! She could have been wearing very neutral colors and blended in!
keepcaImcarryon 0
26 or "kylaisaBITCH" (haha i see why) don't try to make yourself look witty or funny. we both know what I'm trying to say. unless you're an idiot, i'm pretty sure you can comprehend the word. kthxbai! cheerz!
Damn_Hippster 11
I like how OP tried to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal at first by using the word "slightly"
YayFlameWarz 9
The only time I see Grammar nazi'ing to be appropriate is if someone is dumb enough to mix up your and you're.
girlygeek004 8
Or where, were and we're
StoryOfTheYear 15
The worst is when someone actually types out they're instead of there/their.
n_epic_fail 14
"slightly bumped into something" OP you probably ran her ass over.
Theclarksondales 8
maybe she's a Ninja, although then she might have dodged it.
horneyhic 15
U can make this work if she's been trying to lose weight say " uve lost so much weight I didn't see u there"
XxDaniEmoxX 0
I wonder how "slightly" op hit her.
LukaInTheSky 3
Seriously? Y'all have some arbitrary rules about which homophones should be used correctly and which ones we should just let go? Snow angles is too funny to let go.
Melinadesu 3
The real issue here is referring to your wife as "something" and not "someone". Women are not objects.
nava1210 12
106 - it's obviously to build suspense into the FML
Rapt0rJesus 0
Now you know why love is blind.
truthurt47 0
Why do people on FML always worry about, if they spelled something wrong and if so they go HAM on them. FYL if you care I spelled this wrong. Stfu n smc
truthurt47 0
. . . .____ __(. . . . . )====: : / LOLTANK O.O.O.O.O/ beep beep
divadro102 16
106 - He bumped "something" only to find out it was his wife.. I think he would have said he bumped into her from the beginning. Anyways; "You're the greatest THING that's ever happened to me..." < How about 'thing' here, is it inappropriate?
alexgabriel 0
Hi
rexgar2000 10
was she laying on the ground or something. and it's an accident I don't think shell kick u out ti the couch unless she's a bitch.
Justforlolz 14
"Engrish" must not have been your strongest subject at school...
EvilPotato 15
52 I don't think he had a "subject" at all.
lilemmy55 10
Dude, he hit her with his carr.. Ovbiously theres gunna be a punishment ._.
Awsemogreeb 19
Car* Obviously* There is* Going to*
geon_olam 17
Hey 52 at least he used it's correctly that's pretty rare
assgas 0
He's in the ******* army. Shut the **** up and suck your own dick.
tswift89 2
Some people use mobile, get over it
ahabsfan 17
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
You should have taken out the bitch completely. Fail.
thisisafunnyname 12
"Sorry, I had a foot spasm so I floored it. Not my fault, I couldn't control my foot"
Mindvirus 2
^faip
Mindvirus 2
Fail*
bobbycorwen 5
^Fail FAIP : Flooring All Idiot People
bobbycorwen 5
You are right. I just caught that. Shoot...
aceman1992 9
Yeah if you're gonna run over your wife you got to go for broke and just floor it.
crymore007 11
I was expecting the first reply to 3 to be from a feminazi...oh well
Rapt0rJesus 0
fial? Seriously
tsim_fml 0
hey uncle phil!
screamo_neve 12
The **** is Uncle Bill?
shazza26 1
*Phil
screamo_neve 12
Oops.
alexh15 13
Some guys actually enjoy sleeping on the couch. It's kinda like camping.....
YayFlameWarz 9
Now get: a tent, fire wood, matches, marshmellows and bear repellent or i suppose in this case wife repellent.
nahgemsoohc 0
6- hey! Some girls too!
SpruceDread4578 13
43- I honestly read that sexually...unless that's how you meant it..idk.
daydreamer244 13
Maybe you need glasses.....?
uprising_fml 0
well shit . how did you manage to pass driving school in the first place ?
Maxine17 8
Oooh hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...
torchhh 1
She got bumped, not scorned
lenamartinovic 13
Your quote reminded me of Castle. ;)
JinxosGirl87 0
Apparently your wife's car bumping fetish didn't go as planned.
me_gusta_eso 1
That joke was awful.
graham11 14
10- I feel so much pity for you right now.
XeroGravity 3
Awe. Mang. **** 'dem. That was funny to me..
alexiiiis09 0
You're lucky she didnt take an early start into digging your grave and making you sleep in it