The Top

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Oddball

By WTF - 01/06/2013 04:03 - Canada - Calgary

Spicy

Today, I found out that the girl I've been talking to online and sending certain pictures to is actually my ex's new boyfriend. He ended up telling me he'd just wanted to see how he compared to me down below because my ex refused to go into detail about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 119

You deserved it 24 594

Infuriating

By Lauren - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, my husband declined a $100k/year job due to him thinking that a full-time job at one work place would be too "depressing." I'm a nurse and have to wipe other people's arses for a living, then come home to this lazy dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 142

You deserved it 8 838

Poor pillow

By Randy Candy - 12/02/2021 17:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having a fantastic sex dream. So good, in fact, that I woke myself up breathing heavily and humping my pillow. I was at my friend's house and she saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 359

You deserved it 303

By WTFruits - 29/05/2013 18:29 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, my math teacher raged at a student for eating an apple in class. As he yelled at the student, he slapped the apple out of his hand and right into my face. Everyone laughed, including the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 537

You deserved it 3 859

One night stand

By Anonymous - 14/10/2010 02:12 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I woke up in bed with no pillows. I think the guy I slept with stole them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 090

You deserved it 17 650

Awkward

By Anonymous - 15/11/2009 08:42 - Australia

Today, a neighbour called to say my water tank burst. A colleague followed me home to help, took off his shirt so it wouldn't get wet, and climbed through my window to get to the roof. My boyfriend unexpectedly came home as we were emerging from the bedroom. My colleague was still buttoning his shirt up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 636

You deserved it 6 297

So lonely

By Anonymous - 08/06/2019 00:02

Today, I got dressed, did my hair, carefully applied my makeup, sprayed myself with perfume, grabbed my bag and put on my coat. I got to the door, and then realised that I had nowhere to go, nothing to do and none of my friends were answering my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 508

You deserved it 541

Bunch of dorks

By leela - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a group of guys came into my restaurant, dressed up in some kind of role-playing game clothing. Apparently I pronounced one of their fake elf names wrong, because the guy complained to my manager, who then bitched me out in front of everyone for upsetting the customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 985

You deserved it 4 903

It's not what you think!

By joeheathen - 13/11/2009 12:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to the pharmacy to purchase a brace for my sprained wrist. My wife and I had recently ran out of KY lotion, so I decided to pick up a bottle while I was there. It didn't occur to me that these two items could be perceived as being related until the cashier began to giggle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 623

You deserved it 6 676

By k…… - 09/06/2012 21:35 - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, while driving home from work, I noticed the driver next to me was happily chatting on her phone. I fucking despise these would-be murderers, so I slammed my horn to signal my disgust. She panicked and swerved straight into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 570

You deserved it 64 622

Who are you to judge?

By vertigoisarat - 23/02/2021 08:01 - United States

Today, I went to the drug store to pick up a few things. After looking for condoms for 15 minutes, I asked the cashier where I could find them. She said they keep them behind the counter due to theft. She refused to sell them to me, because they're for customers who might actually need them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 230

You deserved it 175

Funnel

By udnrizh - 08/10/2010 02:58 - United States

Today, I got a weird feeling about the account balance in my savings account. Turns out my fiancé has been using my account to order random items whenever he likes. This account is my savings for college tuition and related expenses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 475

You deserved it 5 386

Classic dude moment

By Two hundred down - 07/08/2023 04:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, my husband hasn’t touched me in ages. I bought sexy lingerie and walked around the house in them. My husband wouldn’t budge. When I asked him why he didn't want to get physical, he told me, “You want me to be honest? Do some sit ups and butt squats, then I’ll be all over you like cheese on macaroni.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 729

You deserved it 323

By Anonymous - 20/05/2013 15:56 - United States

Today, I listened to my elderly bachelor neighbor moan, "Oh, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh kitty!" for over half-an-hour before he wandered out on his balcony in wet, tight white underwear to water his plant. This is the fifth time this week, and I still don't know what on earth he's doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 230

You deserved it 3 382

By Uh-oh - 10/11/2009 12:33 - Australia

Today, I decided to come clean with my daughter about her adoptive status within my family. Just after I told her she was adopted, I realized that I have been telling her stories about me giving birth to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 254

You deserved it 62 630

Brain fogged

By boohoo - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Netherlands - Amstelveen

Today, I was on a date with a very intelligent and handsome guy. I was so nervous that when he was telling me about his twin sister, I asked him if they were identical twins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 783

You deserved it 21 376

By anonymous - 28/07/2011 05:39 - United States

Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 454

You deserved it 16 971

By LifeSucks - 08/11/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, as I was driving to work, I got a flat tire. While attempting to replace said tire, I got mugged. The guy took all my money, my iPod, cellphone, and CDs. When I finally called my boss to explain my situation, he fired me. Why? Because I was late and had an "overactive imagination." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 056

You deserved it 2 513

By Anonymous - 15/05/2013 06:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend yelled at me. Apparently I'm not the "classy girl" he thought I was, and he's not comfortable "doing such vile things in public." I had tried to hold his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 935

You deserved it 4 397

Lonely birthday

By anon - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Israel

Today, it's my birthday. Out of loneliness, I went to order some flowers and a cake "for a friend". The guy who delivered it to my house was the same guy from the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 668

You deserved it 13 539

Bless

By Pr unlucky - 02/10/2010 08:07 - Australia

Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 550

You deserved it 6 693

By SHARIFFO - 07/11/2009 08:18 - Palestinian Territory

Today, my mom came up to the school to give me some money and a few water bottles for my friends and me for soccer practice. Before she left, I said "bye", then I realized my 2-year-old brother waving bye to me. So I bent down through the window to kiss him. As I did, my mom moved the car. It still hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 018

You deserved it 4 479

SHARIFFO tells us more.

SHARIFFO 15

Saturday 7 November 2009 18:54

I Would have wrote more to be more specific but the site doesn't allow that much words. This is what happened: "Imagine a car moving in front of the whole school with legs sticking out of the window..." All My Friends laughed, my mom never knew, she never stopped, i was scared as **** to speak so i just got half of my body out in time as she drove off. She then stopped the car & realized asap & asked if i was okay. I was like "o.O?!"

By yashika - 03/07/2019 22:00 - United States - Denver

Today, I discovered that it doesn’t matter where I move, I will always wake up at 5 a.m. to the sound of construction directly above my ceiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 585

You deserved it 146

By Anonymous - 13/05/2013 23:51 - United States - Quincy

Today, while doing a fun genetics game in Biology, I found out that I was adopted. Turns out the game wasn't so fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 429

You deserved it 3 481

By youjustsuck - 25/07/2011 18:07 - United States

Today, I was home alone, and enjoying my freedom decided to walk around naked blaring my radio. What my mother forgot to tell me before she left was that a guy was coming to fix our dish washer today. Imagine our mutual surprise as I danced around the kitchen while getting a drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 287

You deserved it 12 801

By rejected - 23/04/2009 04:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, my friends and I were celebrating Spring Break by going out to a club. I saw a very, very cute girl sipping a drink at the bar all by herself. Trying to be a stud I walked over and said "What are you doing Friday night?" Her response: "Not you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 195

You deserved it 79 447

By HeartToFart - 08/07/2014 23:37 - United States - North Port

Spicy

Today, I had to grip the headboard of my bed for the first time in months. I wasn't having incredible sex unfortunately, just really bad gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 804

You deserved it 6 734

By someone - 23/07/2011 08:50 - United States

Today, I'm staying in a hotel where the lights are automatic. They turn on when something moves and turn off when everything is still. I'm a sensitive sleeper and I move in my sleep, so the light wakes me up. It's currently 2 a.m. and all together I've gotten about 20 minutes of sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 573

You deserved it 4 459

By Anonymous - 27/09/2010 15:20 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I found a video of my girlfriend having sex with her male best friend on her computer. When I confronted her about it she said it was from before we met. In the video, she was wearing the engagement ring I bought her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 070

You deserved it 3 798

By MALICEG - 26/05/2012 07:00 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, there was a knock on my apartment door. It was the man from next-door, who sarcastically asked if I was alright, because he said he heard me screaming in agony. I was singing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 530

You deserved it 4 800

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The Top

The Top

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I felt unappreciated. She found it appropriate to sarcastically say, "Oh no, how will I ever be able to open my jars?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 202

You deserved it 4 889

Today, my friend started his first day of work with me. I thought it'd be fun, but he's been putting on an obnoxious fake French accent and saying "merde" whenever anything goes wrong. Half the women at the office want his dick, and I'm still as single as ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 443

You deserved it 6 003

Today, at work, my boss made me go outside and wash people's cars for free. I work at Verizon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 715

You deserved it 4 453

Today, my mum started yelling at me for leaving scissors on my desk, which my five year-old sister found and chopped all her hair off. She had a lump of hair as proof. After three minutes of her yelling, me crying and apologizing, she laughed and said she was joking. She'd just given my sister a haircut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 086

You deserved it 5 228

Today, my fiancé proposed to me at the movies. The movie stopped in the middle, and my fiancé stands up, takes out a microphone and announces to the entire theatre that he loves me. Right when he went on one knee, someone shouts, "Turn the movie back on!", and throws a cup of coke at my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 581

You deserved it 16 258

Today, after my poly relationship with a married couple ended, I found out that the wife is blaming me for their divorce. To avoid embarrassment She told everyone around town, including my employer, that I’m a homewrecker. Nevermind SHE’S the one who introduced me and ASKED me to be their third. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 175

You deserved it 576