Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my friends and I went out drinking, and luckily enough, the guy I have had a crush on for four years now was there. I tried to get drunk so that I can make a move and blame it on the alcohol. I went in to whisper my confession in his ear... only to puke on him. FML
Today, I accidentally ran my thumb down the cheese grater while preparing lunch beside my wife. I instantly jerked my hand away from the grater just in time run my forearm across the knife she was using. I now have 20 stitches and 5 staples in my arm, no lunch, and a puking wife. FML
Today, I woke up with a vicious hangover. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up to dozens of cans strewn all over the floor. I don't remember buying half the store's supply of pork and beans. FML
Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML
Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML
Today, I chipped my tooth on a beer bottle. While I was drinking alone in my basement. FML
Today, I accidentally threw a glass of iced tea in my own face, because the restaurant I'd been going to for over a decade switched from heavy glass mugs to identical light-as-a-feather plastic mugs. FML
Today, my wife, who has a drinking problem, looked me straight in the eye as she poured herself a "water" bottle to enjoy while at work. FML
Today, my company was having a huge party so I went to work dressed in my best outfit. During lunch break, my boss said to me, "You really missed out on something yesterday, it was great fun!" FML
Today, anticipating another stressful day of work, I left my house with a cluster of thoughts in my mind. It was only when I heard my front door lock behind me, my hand still resting on the handle, that I realised I had forgotten my house keys. FML
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Top comments
Bonzer 2
"Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work..." YDI.
DocBastard 40
First you misspell "definitely", then you use "sneek", and then you go with "snook"? Really?? That's...I just...you... Can I just slap you?
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Comments (161)
Bonzer 2
"Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work..." YDI.
realSlimjimShady 7
Perhaps his boss is an A-hole
ItsaMeLuigi 6
So? That's still now excuse.
BunchieRules 31
12 - That still doesn't justify sneaking out of work to get drunk. Especially if OP wants to keep her job, regardless of what she thinks of the boss.
awsetdvcshjkgss 1
I don't really feel bad for you
ItsaMeLuigi 6
No* sorry.
Bonzer 2
28- Who was that directed to?
lonkite101 14
Well those are the two YDI cases. Getting drunk and sneaking out of work. Hehehe
efemel94 7
Don't worry OP, it's nacho fault. Sometimes things just don't go to plan.
Kiki242 19
My thoughts exactly.
DJP0N3 0
#1 let me ax you what would you say if the next sentence was: to pay a suprise visit to my 5 year old cousin who's in the hospital?
asoptavlo14 6
Lol let me ax you a question?? What?
TheJester12 15
Sorry guys I hate to break it to y'all but this fml is fictitious. It said that the woman walked out of the pub and this was posted in Ireland .
TheJester12 15
I can't even make an Irish bar joke? Come on mods.... I'm starting to think this is personal :)
aleagator 10
My thoughts exactly. Edit: I didn't read the comments before mine. Sigh, rookie mistake.
aleagator 10
Okay wow I didn't read the comments above mine, oops. Rookie mistake. But yeah as soon as I read the first sentence i hit YDI.
swagdiva 0
Ghdjskjdjs
markcallanan_ 20
Only in ireland
jasonstackhouse 10
Definitly not a good idea - to sneek out of work. LOL :)
lonkite101 14
Really?
jasonstackhouse 10
She shouldn't have snook out of her work in the first place... she deserved it.
Prodigy7 4
snook out of work... lmao.
DocBastard 40
First you misspell "definitely", then you use "sneek", and then you go with "snook"? Really?? That's...I just...you... Can I just slap you?
efemel94 7
2 - I think you should leave.
xXxIracebethxXx 14
Doc, I think a lobotomy would be more appropriate than a simple slap. ;)
ManInTheMachine 20
65-Based on their grammar, I'd say someone did a piss-poor job of lobotomizing them already.
alexup24 13
I kept thinking about Snooki while reading this thread.
onlychildFTW 34
You know they might not speak English as their native language. Just because he's in Colorado doesn't mean he can speak English as a first language.
baconftw 9
It's even better since you're a girl.
takeitandrun 13
You're just lucky there was no one from work at the pub. You could not deserve it more for sneaking out of work.
BunchieRules 31
I agree that she deserves it for sneaking out of work. But if a coworker caught OP s/he probably wouldn't say anything, because they would both be breaking the rules.
I_Punch_Babies 7
unless it was the other persons day off
TheJester12 15
This fml is fictitious . It takes place in Ireland . He never left the pub .
onlychildFTW 34
OP needs to get a little more self control. You become an alcoholic when you let drinking interfere with your every day life and chores. Such a work, cleaning, cooking, etc. she has let it interfere with work by sneaking out early so OP might be an alcoholic by definition.
dav3800 7
137 - well, he is irish
Zano23 9
Maybe I'm weird but that nacho cheese dorito milkshake sounds good.
TheZee 12
Yes, you are weird. It sounds gross!
brynom 8
Yeah... That's nasty.
lonkite101 14
Well eating/drinking them separately would. He was disrespecting the nachos. ;0
KiddNYC1O 22
If Ali Landry advertises it, I'd consider it.
jdog408 8
Well banana peanut butter chocolate is good
tehcyberman 9
Sorry, but you completely deserve it. Not only did you leave your job, which was irresponsible, but you clearly got way to drunk at the pub if you were doing that. There are lessons to be learned here. #1 Don't skip work. #2 Getting a little bit drunk is ok, but too much and you'll do something you regret.
reallytho3 11
He went home, not to the pub...
Bliss391 7
It says he went to the pub, then staggered home..
elmousey 5
I'm guessing none of you have jobs. At my job I'm scheduled to be there 'til 6, but if I'm done with everything at 5 and I don't want that hour of pay I leave and no one gives a shit. I would refer to it as "sneaking out" but I'm hardly being irresponsible. I realize not everyone has a job like mine, but leaving early usually isn't a big deal.
tehcyberman 9
That's true 51, but theres a difference between leaving early and going home to relax, and sneaking out to get drunk. I'm not going to feel sorry for anybody if the misfortune only happened because they sneaked out of work.
DocBastard 40
Elmousey, I don't care what job you have, getting as drunk as OP is irresponsible. Full stop.
senor_awesome 14
Y'all do realize that OP is female right?
tehcyberman 9
Yes... What did we say that would make you think we didn't?
jquiggy89 3
51, It clearly says the OP snuck out of work early to go to the pub. Also, why would you assume that because you have a job where you can leave early, that nobody else on this thread has a job?
ihateFMLJkxD 0
Like Red Forman... Dumbass.
cowgurljess101 0
So true:)
shireman97 6
For your sake I hope you didn't mix up the 2 and end up attempting to eat your milkshake
exleonhart 0
Wait... Wut?
shireman97 6
I'm saying I hope they didn't proceed to milkshake and end up eating the puke instead
ProhibitionRose 14
That made absolutely no sense.
xXxIracebethxXx 14
#27 - You hope they didn't "proceed to milkshake"? LMAO, is that some sort of dance move?
cosmosis 12
It could be. Because his Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard...
ScubaSteve620 3
Sounds like shireman97 may have joined them at the pub.
appletree4 3
That's the funniest thing I've seen here in ages hahaha
dellam 3
Of course this is fake, how can any1 believe it?
ooyt453 1
Veeeeeery gooood
brynom 8
Hahaha what are you smoking? They were crazy and totally deserved it...
lonkite101 14
38- what mauled your hair?!?
CallMeBloo 31
Be grateful that you didn't decide that a penis shake sounded tasty. With the lack of intelligence you showed in this posting, I wouldn't guess it would be too far-fetched for you.
blubberfish 10
OP is a female. Unless she grew a penis I doubt she'd be having one in a milkshake
dude1122332 9
Well.. Now you have breakfast!