Today, my boyfriend stuck his finger in my butt and I liked it, but I can’t ever tell him that or he’ll get that smug look on his face like, “I told you so, let’s have anal now.” FML
Today, I woke up and went into my living room, only to be greeted by my aunt, sister, and mother watching a very graphic video showing women giving birth. They forced me to stay and watch it until the end. It was almost 90 minutes. FML
Today, I'm starting a new job. Only problem is, I haven't been told what my duties are, who my line manager is, or who to ask if I need help. FML
Today, I ran into a good friend at work. I work at a jail. She doesn't. FML
Today, I was in a big Skype chat, which somehow turned into a heated argument. My friend lost it, typed "your stupid" and called me a "looser." When I pointed out the irony of his messages, he rage-quit, drove all the way to my house, and punched me in the face at the door. FML
Today, my ex-girlfriend was having lunch with my parents. Believing she was in love with me and feeling the same, I dropped by. My parents told me that she’s their friend and that she has a boyfriend that they approve of, all while telling me I was never good enough for her. FML
Today, I finally managed to get my ghostly white legs tanned. It was during a yoga lesson, and I was wearing my knee braces. Half of my legs are now a shade darker. FML
Kurliez408 tells us more.
Kurliez408 32
OP hear! So to clear up- It usually takes me forever to tan, and this was a yoga lesson which my teacher randomly decided to hold outside (I also got sunburned). Due to my f*cked up knees I wear braces that go from above my knees to below them. My tan line starts half way down my shin! I was also wearing an X back tanktop so clearly this was not the summer tan I longed for hahaha. Maybe it will be a new trend! Who knows in these crazy times!
Today, I learned if you type my full name in Google Images, the 3rd thing that comes up is a naked woman in ropes. Someone on Pornhub thought it was smart to comment that the girl looks just like me. She does. Now my parents think I'm a porn star, and most people at school stopped talking to me. FML
Today, my fiancé and I broke up, and he won't answer my calls or texts. I don't want him back; he has my dog. FML
Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house to meet her entire family for the first time. Trying not to be rude, I ate their 12-bean and chorizo soup. Now I'm stuck in the bathroom trying to unclog the toilet with no plunger. FML
Today, my sister ran into my room unannounced while I was on webcam with a potential employer. Before I could react, she looked at my screen, said "Damn, he's fucking hot." and flashed him. FML
Today, I'm a college student working at Dollar Tree. The signs hanging every 10 ft, plastered on every box, every wall, every corner, say "Everything's $1." Someone asked me how much something was, because there was no price tag. This happens multiple times a day. FML
Today, while working at a wedding reception, I caught a couple getting touchy in the back of the room, but I swept it under the rug. Apparently, they didn't like getting caught, and reported me to my boss, claiming sexual harassment. I now have to attend social sensitivity training once a week. FML
teenagesyndrome tells us more.
Update! I talked to my boss about it and he agreed that it seemed odd that I'd do something like that, but said that he had placed the punishment just in case. I'm off the hook though, so no training for me!
Today, I learned that binding my stomach with duct tape isn't worth it to look thin. I also learned the even worse part when I shrieked more loudly than I should've when I tried to discreetly rip it off in history class. FML
QueenOrangeSoda tells us more.
OP here! As one kid remarked, "That's a LOT of tape" and "But you're skinny!" If only he knew the whole thing. Yes, it was stupid, but when I took it off, I noticed that my fat was contained, and I looked thinner all day. Of course, no one deserves the pain of having it on or, even worse, removing it. (Those back hairs!) And let's not mention those blistering red marks. Still, it was worth the price. And no, I'm not fat or even chubby. I'm rather active--some would say hyper--and don't even eat that much in the first place. My weight and height are perfectly proportionate; I'm an average size. But since I'm not stick-skinny like my sisters, my family pesters me to lose weight. Besides, thinner girls at my school get more guys. I'd been sucking in for days, but I needed something to keep it that way. I sucked in when applying the duct tape, and since the fat couldn't get through its tight told, it looked as if my stomach were perfectly thin and flat. Sadly, some kids noticed and wondered why the heck my tummy was taped. I decided it wasn't worth the pain and I peeled it all off, awful pain and red marks included. I wish I could've cut it off; it would've been easier that way. After about halfway I excused myself to the bathroom to strip off the rest (the more painful parts) in a stall's confinement.
Today, I had to use my driver's license to convince the security guard at a game room that I was a girl. FML
Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML
Today, as I got down on one knee, and was in the middle of saying, "Will you marry me?" my partner answered a text message. Apparently it was more important. FML
Today, my parents had a fight, which is a pretty normal occurrence at our house. But today, they fought over an orange. Dad is now sitting in his bedroom with the aforementioned orange. FML
Today, my patient knocked my glasses off as I assisted him in the shower. We both looked in terror as they fell into his unflushed toilet. This patient was isolated due to a contagious infection. FML
Today, a customer told me, "Girls your size can't bend at the waist." I couldn't stop laughing at the imagery long enough to be really offended. FML
Today, I can no longer leave my son at daycare, because at the age of 5, he's started manipulating the girls there into fighting over him. A kid lost a baby tooth in one such brawl. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if he would still love me if I became a vegetable. His response: "Well, the sex wouldn't be any different." FML
Today, I went on a first date. We had the same phone, and we'd put them down next to each other on the table. I get a message and we both look. It’s my period tracker telling me to be careful, because the floodgates are opening. FML
Today, I clogged my girlfriend's toilet, so being a gentleman, I tried to rectify the situation. I plunged the holy fuck out of that damned toilet, only for her to accuse me of jacking off because I was taking so long. When she stormed in and the smell hit her, she called me a pig. I just can't win. FML
Today, I was sitting in my bed drinking Yoohoo from a juice box. I decided it would be fun to see how much I could fit in my mouth. As soon as my mouth was full, I sneezed. FML
Today, I came home from the minimum-wage job I suffer through to support my now ex-boyfriend's ailing music career. It seems his time management skills suck almost as badly as his music, because I found him in my bedroom, licking whipped cream off my step-sister. FML
Today, I woke up from a dream in which I had a penis. Apparently I talk in my sleep, because my boyfriend kept staring at my crotch. FML
Today, my girlfriend wanted to play a game call "bondage bingo," taking turns tying each other up in different positions, and if we can’t escape, we get to take a picture. Whoever gets the most pictures wins. After tying me to a chair, she ended up leaving me there for hours. FML
Today, I was standing in the gas station, pulling out my wallet to pay the $100 of gas I just filled my car with. I opened my wallet and found a note saying "borrowed money for food". FML
Today, I was notified of card fraud. As I was on the phone with the fraud department to take out any cash I could, the ATM ate my card and shredded it. The chip in my other card stopped working last week. I'm in Sweden until December and I have no money until October 1st. FML
tjmtjm tells us more.
tjmtjm 9
OP here and I'll try to answer all the questions with a novel of a post. I've been in Stockholm since August and it just happened at the time this happened I didn't have any cash on me. Plus it's way easier to use card then it is cash at most places in Stockholm. My card was already filed under fraud from a purchase that I didn't make online and promptly shut down. I was on the phone with the fraud department so they could temporarily unfreeze my card so I could take out cash, because they were aware of my credit card situation and I would be out of any card until Oct 1st. As soon as the ATM ate my card I called the company and was told that their ATMs do shred cards whenever they're opened by staff at the end of the night for security reasons and there was nothing they can do, even with my situation.The reason it's going to take so long for the cards to get to me is because my bank isn't legally allowed to send cards internationally to me for whatever reason, but my mom is visiting Oct 1st, so she is bringing both my credit and debit card replacements. I had to laugh because as soon as the machine ate my card and I let the fraud staff on the phone know that happened all she could say was "oh...that sucks. I honestly can't help you anymore if that happened. I'm so sorry." She was overall really helpful and I could tell how surprised she was when I said that happened. I find it to be quite the humorous situation, considering nothing went right. baxeh, and mirror girl you're both are the best! I would have never guessed from this post that kind strangers would be willing to help me out! I greatly appreciate it, and luckily for me I have a couple friends from my university also in Stockholm that are able to help me out in the meantime. Which is quite a relief! In terms of a job, I really enjoy working and would love to work in Stockholm to keep me busy but because I'm only in the country for six months (I'm from the States) and unless it's under the table, I can't get a job since I'm not here for a year or more.
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
