Today, I was studying for a big test I have next Tuesday in my room. I heard a creak in my ceiling but assumed it was nothing as my house is old. Thirty seconds later something fell from my air vent directly onto my head. It was a giant cockroach. FML
Today, my girlfriend randomly confessed to basically having a "phobia" of monogamy. But don't worry, she defensively assured me she's never ever cheated on me, even though I never said she had, so I guess that's okay then. FML
Today, my grown up, unemployed boyfriend stole 70 dollars from my wallet and tried to hide it in two different places in case he needed to ditch me and go out by himself. He got angry when I confronted him and stormed out. He feels perfectly entitled. I work, pay rent and buy food. FML
Today, I had an interview for an office job. As a requirement, I had to show up dressed for the job. My friend has worked there for years and told me it was casual dress. I wore jeans and a blouse. Everyone else had on business suits. Obviously my friend doesn't know what casual means. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend who is a VERY loud moaner. He kept saying my name over and over again then all of a sudden his mom comes in and says "yes hun...oh God sorry"...that's how I found out I have the same name as my boyfriend's mom. FML
OhGreat. tells us more.
OhGreat. 9
Hey OP here! No he doesn't live with with his mom. No I didn't know his mom's name. He lives alone so no we didn't lock the doors. His mom lives in Florida with his step dad she was coming up to visit and to meet me she was a week early! He never called her by her first name it's always "my mom". But I guess when she's around he calls her by her first name all the time but with me he calls her mom. I hope to God that during us having sex he wasn't thinking of her....thats weird.
Today, my house was robbed while I was at work. The robber left a note telling me my stuff was crappy and that they found my safe under the bed. FML
Today, I kept getting out of bed because I was sure my daughter had pooped in her diaper. Every time, I found nothing. I finally figured out the foul smell was my husband's breath, when he leaned into kiss me goodnight. FML
Today, while alone in the childcare centre I work at, one of the children farted bad enough to trigger my morning sickness. Because I was alone, I couldn't leave the room, which resulted in me throwing up into a 2-year-old-sized toilet, while 12 toddlers either watched or ran wild. FML
Today, while shopping with my sister, she asked me to wait for her while she quickly said hello to a friend. I sat on a bench for an hour before I realised she wasn't coming back. Turns out, "Hello" had turned into a date. FML
Today, someone finally told me that they couldn't live without me and that they love me more than anything. It was a student in my year 1 class. FML
Today, the cops pulled over and tried to arrest my friends for transportation of a corpse and murder. Just because you find a body in the back of a truck bed, wrapped in a blanket cocoon and apparently unresponsive, does not mean they are dead. I was very much alive, thank you very much. FML
Today, I had to use the bathroom really badly in a drug store. After I did a #2, just as I realized the handle on the toilet was broken, a knock came at the door. I tried fixing it for ten minutes, before slipping out the door, to come face to face with two employees coming to fix the toilet. FML
Today, my grandma and I went shopping. When I picked up some shower gel, she started ranting in front of everyone that shower gel injures one's "lady parts" and causes infertility, and that she wants me to give her great-grandchildren. FML
Today, I noticed my ex was feeling down. We ended things on good terms and I've been wanting to start things up again, so I figured I'd bring him dinner to cheer him up and maybe hang out. Looks like he and his one night stand get to eat my home cooked food while I go home to Netflix. FML
DramaticEmily tells us more.
Hey guys, OP here :) Maybe I should clear some things up. I did tell him I was coming over with dinner, he didn't tell me he had someone over. He wasn't being rude about it, just didn't cross his mind. He's sort of oblivious like that. And yes, I'm still really into him and from when we talked last, I thought the feeling was mutual, but I didn't really expect much to come from this. Wishful thinking was all, really. I guess I was right to think nothing would come from it, too. Oh well, time to move on, I suppose :) Your comments are all cracking me up, though!
Today, my friends told me they will be unable to attend my birthday party on Friday because they'll be watching the Vampire Diaries finale. FML
Today, my internet was out and wasn't due to be fixed until at least Tuesday. I'm a grad student with a lot of online research to do and deadlines to meet, so I desperately bought an expensive and non-returnable portable wifi hub. An hour ago, the internet came back on. FML
WiFucked tells us more.
WiFucked 4
Hello everyone, OP here. I'm surprised this made it in! The main problem with the internet going down when it did was that the library has very limited hours during Easter break and, also due to the holiday, my department and almost all university facilities are closed, which is where I would normally go to get internet if I couldn't have it at home. I also 'could' get free wifi in places like cafes, but often cannot get any meaningful work done in public places where people are being loud and I don't have room for my books, notebooks, etc. I also thought it would be worth it to be able to work at home since I am a night owl and do most of my best work in the evenings, when most places where I could get free wifi would be closed. In addition, the day I submitted the FML wasn't the first day the internet had been out, and I had been having trouble finding a peaceful place to work while being repeatedly told that Tuesday was the earliest I could expect to get regular internet back. It was also a bigger problem because I live in university housing (college) and the internet was out in my entire college AND in the one next to mine, so I figured that I wouldn't be the only one to use the wireless thing (as we all have deadlines to meet and I wasn't the only one upset about this) and the others could chip in for the cost. I wouldn't even have minded shouldering the cost myself if I was actually going to get some use out of the thing because it would have been worth it to be able to work at home, or at least in a more comfortable location than a fast food restaurant or Starbucks. I just thought it was irritating (and funny at my own expense) that the internet picked both the worst time to go out AND to come back on. Since it seemed like a belated and very elaborate April Fool's joke on me, I decided to make something good of it and send it in to FML. By the way, I don't THINK I can return the thing, but I'll be going back in to the shop to check on that on Tuesday, and, if not, as others have said I can always get use out of it while travelling, or if the internet goes out again, which it has before (not at any particularly crucial times before this though). At the very least, now I have a funny story to tell.
Today, I was detained for trying to "illegally enter" my house, all because my parents forgot to tell me they were being evicted. FML
College_Grad tells us more.
OP here. I just graduated in May and have been working 2 jobs (one full time in my field and one part time for extra cash) since a week after I graduated. I am almost never home. I am moving to my own apartment at the end of August. I paid rent, car payments, and utilities to my parents every week because I'm a big girl, planning my own family. I have no idea what happened exactly, but someone called the police because I tried to unlock the front door after I came home from work. Everything is ok. We're ok.
Today, I woke up to it raining. My area really needs it, so it's great. I didn't expect to wake up to a hole in the roof though. FML
mrningbrd tells us more.
mrningbrd 19
Hello im op. I live in california, so its nice to have rain. It rained so hard last night that there's a steady dribble of rain dripping on my bed. We're short on money right now though, so it'll be a while until it can be fixed
Today, while on the train heading to my new job, my coat caught between two seats. I didn't notice until my stop. I whacked myself in the face in front of everyone trying to get it free, and ended up missing my stop. When I finally got to work, I was told not to bother coming in again. FML
Today, I found out why my mother-in-law kept asking for one particular photo of our baby. She just wanted to show off the blanket that she had made to her friends on Facebook. Her first grandchild was almost completely cropped out of the picture. FML
AndyClara tells us more.
AndyClara 39
I'm a midwife as well as a mother. I know the world doesn't revolve around me, and that people generally don't care about baby photos unless they know someone related to them or they are very well taken. I've met more new grandparents that I can count, her behaviour is just not typical of the average grandparent I meet. She is a lovely person, she is just not a baby person. No craft group and no other photos of the baby. She is not the worst Grandparent in the world and our baby is beautiful. I found the situation amusing and strange, which makes a perfect submission to FML, so I submitted it! Her reasoning behind it is she didn't want to look like she was showing off her work. The comment section of her Facebook was very amusing to read, almost as amusing as this one, so thanks for the laughs.
Today, the AC broke at work. I work in a hotel and every single guest asked me if I knew how hot it was in the lobby. It was 96 degrees for 7 hours. I definitely knew. FML
lissabobissa tells us more.
Hello everyone! OP here. Anyways, it was pretty funny after a while how all the guests kept trying to make small talk about the heat while I was visibly sweaty and annoyed (attractive, I know.) Luckily we have a shuttle and I periodically just went out and sat in it for a few minutes with the AC blasting in my face so it helped a little. Also, my boss called in a technician the next day who fixed it. Hopefully it doesn't happen again because it was horrible and having to wear long sleeves, a vest, and a tie as the uniform didn't help! :(
Today, I found out the only reason why a friend of mine even bothered talking to me. He thought that I'd sleep with him if he was nice enough. FML
Today, I was finally starting to relax after a stressful and expensive move, where I had to give up half my belongings and furniture, as well as my cat. All the stress came rushing back as my new landlord told me that he's selling the building and I've got 30 days to vacate. FML
Today, an attractive man hit on me for the first time since I ended my 3-year relationship with my cheating ex. Then the man told me he'd just gotten out of prison last week. FML
Today, while working as a cart attendant, I found one of my coworkers on a lawn chair sipping on a Bud Light in the parking lot, while we both were supposed to be working, leaving me to push carts by myself. My boss comes out to me catching my breath and tells me to work harder. FML
Today, I managed to throw my back out by blowing my nose. FML
Today, I had to sit in a three-seat truck between my dad and his best friend on a 4-hour trip to Detroit. It was great, besides their incessant crude jokes and stories, including chafing ball sacks, and naming their new radio station, "Chicks With Dicks Radio." FML
Today, my dog threw up on the tiled floor. I found out at 6 this morning in the dark when I slipped and fell in it. FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend standing at the end of the bed staring at a large wet spot. Boy do I know how to pick 'em! FML
Today, I tried shaving my bikini area for the first time. I ended up cutting myself several times. I now have impressive razor burn, and it's incredibly painful to even wear pants. FML
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