The Top

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Jesus H Christ

By bastard - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to a Nativity play. My husband showed up late and drunk, and I had to explain to him why booming, "Yeah! Time to get baby Jesus up in this shit!" when our son was about to go on stage got us kicked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 866

You deserved it 4 544

By toothpaste - 19/01/2012 12:17 - Australia

Today, a man crashed into my car. He then got out of his car, dug a toothbrush and toothpaste out of his bag, and tried to brush away the damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 437

You deserved it 2 319

Indifference

By Anonymous - 03/05/2020 17:00

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me having phone sex with another guy. He either didn't notice or didn't care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 538

You deserved it 5 283

Get counting

By Ethan_18 - 14/12/2012 05:10 - United States

Today, as my 12-hour shift was about to finish, a young boy came in wanting to buy a $200 gaming device. His mom said he was purchasing it with his own money, which I found admirable. That is, until he took his piggy bank out of his backpack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 048

You deserved it 2 513

By Lonely - 02/08/2018 15:00

Today, I sent a question to a newspaper self-help column about how I often feel ignored. I quickly received a note telling me to not feel ignored, but due to the volume of questions, I would likely not receive a response. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 992

You deserved it 367

By smooth - 21/11/2013 16:10 - United States

Today, a girl and I were flirting and it was going well. Feeling bold, I asked what she would do if I kissed her. She smiled flirtatiously and said "Why don't you try it and find out?" I went in for a kiss, and she slapped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 634

You deserved it 14 054

By Riicogonz - 13/08/2018 20:32

Today, while borrowing my girlfriend's dad's truck, I had to pay $120 to prevent it from being towed. I was parked right in front of my apartment unloading heavy furniture into my garage for not even 20 minutes while the apartment manager, who called the tow truck, watched us from his balcony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 651

You deserved it 193

By Anonymous - 20/08/2018 13:42 - Canada - Markham

Today, after he fought tooth and nail to win me back, my boyfriend had to break up with me. His parents found out he was dating while he was studying abroad, and are bringing him home. He told me that his parents knew about me and were really fond of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 379

You deserved it 204

Face gone out of control

By UnfortunatelyAmusing - 05/11/2013 00:25 - United States - Princeton Junction

Today, I found out that my sex face is definitely amusing after the third girl in a row started laughing at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 311

You deserved it 8 683

Some people just don't like surprises

By alone and horny - 20/06/2020 20:01

Today, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. When I started to head back in, I saw a shadow move across my bedroom window. I live alone, so I waited outside and called the police. They came and investigated, only to drag my naked boyfriend out, where he promptly dumped me. I forgot our 2-year anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 846

You deserved it 1 743

By insomnia - 22/12/2011 15:23 - United States

Today, I was at work handling the cash register. It wasn't working correctly, so I apologized to the woman I was waiting on for the delay and explained, "The cash register's being a little retarded today." Then I noticed her clearly "special" adult son standing behind her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 247

You deserved it 69 089

By lovely - 19/12/2011 06:43 - Netherlands

Today, while having sex, my girlfriend suddenly broke down and started crying. Apparently, when I'm horny, my face reminds her of her dead dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 618

You deserved it 4 596

By Shaky - 30/08/2018 09:30 - Australia - The Gap

Today, I really realised how bad my anxiety had gotten when we got our corporate photos done for work. My smile was shaking so much the guy couldn't take my photo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 633

You deserved it 251

By thanks google - 04/09/2018 16:30 - United States - Naperville

Today, while I was driving, Google said it found a faster route to save me 15 minutes. I hit accept, only be directed into a gridlock on the interstate, adding an hour to my drive time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 687

You deserved it 449

By Anonymous - 01/01/2009 05:23 - France

Today, my girlfriend has big fake boobs, but gets offended when I tell her how much I like them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 614

You deserved it 6 382

To the window, to the wall

By Kim - 17/07/2020 23:01

Today, I saw my boyfriend using a washcloth to clean his cock and sweaty balls. He told me he's been doing this for quite some time now. Guess who's been using the same washcloth to clean her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 594

You deserved it 437

By anon - 29/11/2011 23:59 - United Kingdom

Today, a guy lost control of his umbrella in the wind, which then hit me in the eye, making me bleed. He screamed at me for trying to steal his umbrella. People laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 829

You deserved it 2 283

By Ryuuchild666 - 01/10/2018 13:30

Today, I bought a 3 lb bag of pears. The first two bites were delicious! The third bite revealed a worm and its thousands of eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 536

You deserved it 231

Romantic

By robinhoood - 12/07/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who never initiates sex, pulled me into my room and onto my bed with kisses and other seductive behavior. As I'm thinking about how awesome it is that's she's doing this for once, she reaches down, grabs my underwear, and gives me the worst wedgie I've ever received. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 192

You deserved it 13 571

By Shadowfigure23 - 10/07/2009 22:28 - United States

Today, I spent most of my morning comforting the guy I love because his fiancée dumped him for some other guy. He continuously told me I had no clue that kind of pain he was in. He dumped me three years ago for the girl that just left him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 534

You deserved it 9 851

By Nearly blind - 07/10/2018 17:30

Today, I forgot my contact solution and used my sister's. When I put them in, my eyes burnt like hell. Apparently my sister has a new solution that is acidic and only gets neutralized after 12 hours in a special container. The warning is on the INSIDE of the bottle label. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 943

You deserved it 625

By Anonymous - 15/10/2012 10:28 - United States - Richmond

Today, I learned from my daughter's teacher that she has been wearing the same shirt for the past few weeks, ever since we had a fight about how I don't pay attention to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 490

You deserved it 63 356

I need it

By Anonymous - 31/08/2020 06:55 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband and I have such busy careers, we have to schedule sex for when we’re both at home and hopefully not too tired, otherwise we’d never have sex at all. The last time we had sex was on my birthday, in April, and our next appointment is mid September. I really miss sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 130

You deserved it 628

By Anonymous - 23/02/2016 05:33 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my wife of 10 years bought me a bottle of wine, a wine rack, and a wine accessory kit for my birthday. She knows I don't like wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 865

You deserved it 1 815

Legal Eagle

By randommanwill - 16/02/2016 20:22 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad got angry with me for not watching "Better Call Saul" with him, because he thinks it will help me with law school. He did this while I was actually reading for a class taught by the top health law professor in the country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 477

You deserved it 1 324

Hand sanitizer

By sexlube - 01/01/2020 20:00 - United States - Kirkland

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

I agree, your life sucks 1 587

You deserved it 938

All in the family

By notasgood - 12/01/2010 23:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me so he could sleep with my mom without feeling guilty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 649

You deserved it 3 350

By ferret702 - 05/02/2016 12:04 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, in the current company I'm employed by, I have a better chance at gambling my way to the top, as opposed to working my way up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 171

You deserved it 1 816

Pile up

By Fitz - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a woman drove through my house. She was texting and eating watermelon at the same time. I didn't know that was even possible, but now my house is condemned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134 585

You deserved it 6 254

By Anonymous - 03/12/2014 17:06 - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He's Latino, so I thought he'd like it if I made a bit of noise and called him "papi" while we did it. It freaked him out enough to kill his boner, and now he thinks I have some kind of incest fetish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 611

You deserved it 46 461

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The Top

Today, my hair straightener broke. My husband suggested putting electrical tape on it because it was heat proof. I did and started straightening my hair. The supposed heat proof tape melted and got stuck in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 350

You deserved it 34 839

Today, I need a remote position due to a disability, but no company will even try to work with me. My car just died. I'll never be able to live on my own, despite being 30. The worst part? All the people who are gonna reply and call me "entitled." FML

I agree, your life sucks 485

You deserved it 189

Today, I threw away a bunch of candy wrappers from my pocket, I also managed to throw away $20. That was the only money I had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 502

You deserved it 11 520

Today, I found out that my fiancé has been lying about where she lives to avoid me. I think she's also sleeping with who was supposed to be the best man at our wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 577

You deserved it 115

Today, I was on a date. I noticed he kept looking at my lips. Thinking he wanted to kiss me, I leaned in closer. Disgusted, he pulled away and said, "I'm sorry, but that pimple on your chin is, like, staring at me or something." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 163

You deserved it 5 572

Today, I work in HR and last week we'd hired an apprentice for our repair shop. He was great. I spent $500 company dollars on his uniform. Later, he called me saying he had been offered a job paying $10 more an hour than what we were offering, as much as our experienced workers make. I either have to match it, or be out a helper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 462

You deserved it 1 112