Today, my girlfriend's deaf and senile cat listens to my verbal instructions better than my completely healthy middle school students listen to me. FML
Today, my parents decided that the best way to save money was to dilute everything we drank with water. Only one more year of watered down soda and juice to go. FML
Today, while I was working at a supermarket, a kid started to cry in line because he couldn't get candy. Since we have free lollipops behind the desk, I gave him one. His mom complained to my manager and said I was grooming her child. FML
Today, marks yet another day when I've been threatened to be ruined with the words, "I know people in high places!" and had objects thrown at me at my workplace. I'm a hostess. FML
Today, I went to see my favorite band in concert. Not only did the people next to me have a loud conversation through the entire set, the guy behind me repeatedly tried to lecture me for head-butting him. Given he was a foot taller than me, I'm not even sure how that was possible. FML
Today, I realized that I am such a Grammar Nazi that when a porn star says something grammatically-incorrect, I lose my boner. FML
Today, a customer punched me in the face for repeating their order back to them because they thought I was making fun of their speech impediment. I have the same speech impediment. FML
Today, my girlfriend's mother is more into me than she is. FML
Today, I had to cancel plans to go to the movies with the guy I've had a crush on for months due to a sudden case of the flu. This was already rescheduled from yesterday, when I had to cancel due to bad weather (after he had already left home). He thinks that I'm just making excuses not to see him. FML
Today, as I tried to parallel park at a busy spot downtown, a group of teens jumped in front of my car and started a slow clap. FML
Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I got a boner when they sang the anthem, because that's what I sing in my head when having sex with his daughter so I last longer. FML
Today, I thought it would be a good idea to Super Glue a couple of quarters to the sidewalk downtown and watch people try to pick them up. Unfortunately, street patrol was watching me glue everything the whole time. I was fined with public vandalism and defacing US currency. FML
Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that he sees no future with me. It's alright though, because he says we can still "coast along" until he meets someone else. FML
Today, I thought I had a good talk about personal hygiene and infection risk with my 6-year-old. Later, he told his mom he won’t poop any more, because his butt will "fall off." FML
Mightytall tells us more.
Mightytall 35
Yay! My first ever published fml! What did I do? I showed him how to hold the paper and told him he needs to wipe with new paper until it stays clean. And that if he does not, he will run around smelly and eventually risk getting an infection. The whole time he looked me straight in the eyes and listened intently, but the only thing that really stuck was apparently the part where I said that a really bad infection can cause him to lose parts of his popo in the worst case. So ya, FML
Today, I had a seizure while at the airport, ready to go on vacation with my family. We ended up missing our flight. My mom spent most of the ride home making cracks about how I'm always ruining things with my "dramatics". Sorry that I have epilepsy, mom. FML
Today, my grandmother saw me for the first time in years. "Not all your clothes have to be as tight as condoms, you tramp," is probably the nicest greeting she's ever given me. FML
Today, my cat died in the process of eating, and choking on, my hamster. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me while taking a walk through a park at night. After that, I had to escort her home as she has an eye condition, and is almost completely blind when dark. FML
ItsGoneForever tells us more.
Hello guys (and probably also girls!), this is OP. I just wanted to explain as to why it was really awkward at the time. I never had any troubles with the escort itself. I became so used to it during our relationship that I even started guiding my mom and friends out of habit. However, she dumped me completely out of the blue. She had doubts about our relationship for more than a month at the time, talked about this with her parents/sisters/friends/etc. Basically, she discussed this with almost everybody around her, except with the one concerning the doubts: me. I personally never felt any doubts, we didn't fight much (just what every healthy couple does now and then :-) ) and my feelings for her never changed. I had even taken her on a 4 day trip to Barcelona (on my expenses) not 2 weeks earlier as a birthdaygift. So when she dumped me while in that park, it felt really unfair, it came as a great shock for me and I also felt some anger towards her which is why guiding her back home was really awkward and something which I didn't really want to do at the time. On the other hand, we didn't fight over it or anything, so it was also obvious for me to stay a true gentleman of course! I had a good talk with her a couple of weeks later and I didn't have strange or sad feelings when I saw her then. Today, it is almost 3 months since the end of our relationship and I feel I am over her. I still talk to her from time to time and we are still nice to eachother (though friends is a big word!).
Today, at some point, and for some reason I'll probably never fully understand, it seemed like a good idea to get completely shitfaced on tequila and try to shave my ballsack with a straight razor. I'm not sure if these wounds will ever heal. FML
Today, at school, I got stuck in the elevator and was about to panic before I remembered I had my phone. I called my mother and she called the school to tell them that I was stuck. They got me out in a few minutes and then confiscated my phone and gave me two detentions for using it in school. FML
Today, I woke to find my boyfriend of 2 years gone. I saw my little sister's talking bear at the bottom of my bed, it said "squeeze me" so I squeezed it and it said "it's over." It was my boyfriends voice. I was dumped by a talking bear. FML
Today, I discovered the downside to having a "sneak-attacks-allowed" tickle war with my 4-year-old son. I had to explain to several outraged strangers at the supermarket why my son kept flinching and pulling away whenever I made any sudden movements near him. FML
Today, I was driving to visit my parents for the first time in two years. After spending about $4000 to make sure my car wouldn't break down on the journey, around the halfway point, the front tire popped and the engine blew out. I'm about 5 states away from both my parents and my home. FML
Today, I finally got pulled into a threesome with the girl I've loved for years and another friend. She led the interaction with, "You only get to touch her" then, "I just wish [her ex] was here" and finished with, "OK, it's weird with you here, you can just go." FML
Today, my dog pooped. In my lap. While I was driving. FML
Today, I was dared to eat durian. With my reputation hanging in the balance, I bought one. Only after I opened it did I realize the extent of the dare. It smelled and tasted like dried cat shit that Satan himself had regurgitated. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I broke the news to my parents that we're having a baby. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "It's probably not yours." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were acting out a kinky scenario at home, where we'd met in a club and were having a one night stand. We ended up getting into a real argument about an imaginary girl in the club. I didn't have sex and we haven't spoken since. FML
Today, I arrived at a camp and met one of my roommates. At bedtime, I had energy still, so I did push-ups. The guy was asleep or so I thought because he was facing the wall. The guy thought I was jacking off and told everyone I did it in the middle of our room. FML
Today, I saw the guy I've been seeing passing by my dorm. I called out to him, but he covered his ears and crossed the street. Well, at least I have ice cream in my fridge. FML
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