The Top

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No exit! No choice!

By Anonymous - 13/11/2019 03:00

Today, I was driving my car when I suddenly got diarrhea and shat my pants. I put a plastic bag under me to not let all the shit go through my pants and get to my seat. Then one of my workmates saw my car and came to say hello. She saw all the shit and the plastic bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 282

You deserved it 307

By Anonymous - 26/01/2013 17:20 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went on another date with a guy I've had a crush on for a long time. Afterwards, we went back to my place for the first time and things got heated. While taking my pants off, he recoiled and asked if I thought it was still No Shave November. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 405

You deserved it 47 385

Give Out But Don't Give Up

By Anonymous - 10/03/2020 12:00

Today, my wife told me that I was a 5 on the scale of how well I flirted and romanced her, and that the guy before me was a 9. This was at the kitchen table in front of our kids. They thought it was hilarious, and told me I shouldn’t bother anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 717

You deserved it 201

By AstonBrown - 15/06/2016 17:53 - United States - Cleveland

Today, a strong storm knocked the power out at our office. I was dismissed five hours early, had my desk locked up and was walking toward the doors to leave when the power came back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 972

You deserved it 1 030

Actor's Studio

By darthmilfious - 31/03/2010 07:56 - France

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was making a list of things to do tomorrow while faking an orgasm when I realize my boyfriend had finished about two minutes ago. He's pissed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 699

You deserved it 69 212

By Loveless - 09/04/2018 19:00 - United States - Ashland

Today, I asked my girlfriend of 8 years if we should get a bigger place. She responded by insisting she get her own place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 254

You deserved it 441

Hmmm, nutritious!

By Anonymous - 27/03/2020 14:00

Today, I'm in the coronavirus-vulnerable group, so I asked my friend to go shopping for me because I'm in need of food and toilet paper. They came back with a bag of icing sugar, even though food and toilet paper were available in the shop. Forty minutes later, the shelves were stripped bare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 818

You deserved it 231

The Guru

By Anonymous - 24/03/2020 23:13

Today, my husband told me he'd met a life guru online who, after paying the £29.99 consultancy fee, advised him to seize happiness at all times. So he decided to seize the 19 year-old redhead across the street, move in with her and get her pregnant. This is the happiest I’ve seen him in years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 320

You deserved it 315

The Shining

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 14:00

Today, I was babysitting my 4 year-old twin brothers yet again. I began to get desperate when they took my phone and would start crying every time I tried to take it back. My mother found me thirty minutes later, huddled in a corner, crying. I'm 27 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 017

You deserved it 1 372

It's a doggy dog world

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Slovakia

Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked me which dog breed I like the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 425

You deserved it 9 781

WTF is going on here?

By douglisk1994 - 10/02/2009 00:07 - United States

Today, I drove my girlfriend home around 11pm to her garage where we started to have sex. When she came to climax she slipped and hit her head. Her parents heard the crash and came down; we were both still naked, and she was unconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 275

You deserved it 20 289

By tristaph - 01/08/2018 00:00

Today, a bird took a dump on my truck as I was driving and the wind pushed it into the keyhole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 388

You deserved it 184

By boringhusband - 08/05/2016 14:29 - United States - Salisbury

Today, while at dinner with my wife, she asked me what was on my mind as I stared blankly at the window. "Nothing" was interpreted as, "We are boring, and can't stand each other." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 747

You deserved it 1 534

Take it easy

By Anonymous - 21/08/2021 16:01

Today, I woke up from a night of serious depression, drinking by myself at home, to find a USB stick wrapped in plastic up my vagina, with "Top secret" written on it. There was nothing on the stick when I checked. I may need to give tequila a rest and switch back to gin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 487

You deserved it 1 905

By Duplighost - 12/01/2012 20:16 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's Marine dad walked in on us fooling around naked. Now we can only hang out with "parental supervision". Oh, and I have to record my visits on a clipboard by the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 826

You deserved it 40 193

By pierced - 01/05/2016 17:56 - United States - Marble Falls

Today, I have an infected piercing because I'm allergic to the metal. My ear is so swollen that I can't remove the jewelry. It won't get better until I'm able to remove the jewelry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 830

You deserved it 1 765

By Anonymous - 09/08/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I found out that when you chase a couple of squirrels off your porch for irritating your dogs, sometimes they chase you back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 477

You deserved it 15 032

By Anon. - 01/03/2011 23:51 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 640

You deserved it 91 152

By Coffee - 06/08/2018 16:30

Today, I went to Starbucks to get my free birthday coffee and due to a mistake I received two. Thinking it was my lucky day, I hurried off to work. As I was walking in, I tripped and spilt one coffee all over my new dress. Then I walked into a door and spilt the other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 897

You deserved it 1 124

Too late

By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 23:46 - United States - Paramus

Today, I got married. My husband and I had been waiting until marriage to have sex, and when the time came, we started to undress. As I took my bra off, his eyes glazed over, and he fainted. An hour later, all he could say was, "I don't think we're meant to be together." FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 479

You deserved it 9 627

Everyone's a critic

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Cortlandt Manor

Today, I brought my best painting yet to college. I showed it off and everyone loved it. Or almost everyone. When we came back from lunch break, we found someone had sharpied the words "JIZZ BUTT" all over it. That painting took two weeks to finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 989

You deserved it 2 050

By Anonymous - 06/09/2018 14:30

Today, I and several housemates have food poisoning. From what? Last night's Subway, which we only got to avoid eating the pork that was possibly bad as none of us wanted to be sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 590

You deserved it 278

By Fooled Wife - 14/09/2018 14:30

Today, my husband was arrested on 2 felony charges in a sting. We've been married 5.5 years, had almost enough money for a down payment on a house, were trying to get pregnant, and had a non-refundable trip to London planned. We are now broke and on the verge of divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 658

You deserved it 294

Race against the clock

By huh? - 22/07/2020 20:00

Today, we found out that my 13-year-old cousin is pregnant. My mom then turned to me and asked why I decided to wait so long. I’m only 20. Instead of being worried that this young girl has potentially ruined her entire life, my mom just complained that her sister "gets to be a grandma first." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 553

You deserved it 162

Sorry to disappoint you, but…

By Anonymous - 05/12/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, my parents bought purity rings for my twin brother and me for our birthday, and had them blessed by our priest. Neither of us are virgins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 273

You deserved it 12 456

And I oop

By porkers gonna pork :\ - 12/03/2016 15:09 - Australia - Elsternwick

Today, I met one of my fiancé's coworkers. Normally I'd never ask how far along someone's pregnancy is without being 100% sure they're not just fat, but she seemed fit. Well, I now know that virtually all the fat in some people's bodies can go straight to their gut and nowhere else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 863

You deserved it 6 396

Loosey-goosey

By knickersdontfit - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was doing my grocery shopping, absent-mindedly wondering if my new diet was working. I got my answer when my panties fell down around my ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 395

You deserved it 8 265

By iSamsung - 06/03/2016 14:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I decided to make new friends, so I sat with the lonely guy at lunch. Now he keeps following me, with his phone in a camera position. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 769

You deserved it 2 496

By loser - 02/03/2016 00:20 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, my mum asked when she's getting grandkids. I had to tell her that, at 21 years-old, I hadn't even managed to get a boyfriend yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 620

You deserved it 1 660

Busting makes me feel good

By neverdoingthatagain - 27/02/2016 03:35 - United States - Pottstown

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones made her extremely horny. The doctor said that intercourse during pregnancy was very healthy, so we decided to do it. Let's just say that the bumpy ride didn't help her morning sickness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 410

You deserved it 2 159

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The Top

Today, for our 25th anniversary, my husband and I had dinner on a cruise ship, a dinner we had been planning for months. Upon boarding, I realized the expensive dress that I had bought just for the occasion had exactly the same print as the chair covers and the carpet. The cruise lasted 8 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 662

You deserved it 6 329

Today, I found out that I'm highly-placed in my wrestling competition this year. I also found out that I have mono and won't be able to take part for at least the first half of the competition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 483

You deserved it 3 965

Today, my girlfriend smelt my penis after I got back from the gym. She was making sure it didn't smell like latex. I can't even go to the gym without her thinking I'm cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 192

You deserved it 10 293

Today, I washed all the dishes that had been piling in the sink over the week, and set them in the drying rack before I left for school. I came home to see that my dad’s girlfriend had put them back into the sink, along with her dirty dishes. She told me to re-wash them. Why? “They didn’t smell clean.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 981

You deserved it 128

Today, I proudly showed off my new DIY bookshelf to my family. Everyone seemed impressed until my cat jumped on it, the whole thing collapsed, and it narrowly missed my grandmother. Now my family thinks I need to hire professionals for every project. FML

I agree, your life sucks 138

You deserved it 569

Today, I have no friends because I have severe anxiety and severe social anxiety. I thought I had family but as it turns out, my family is trying to get rid of me by sending me away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 390

You deserved it 133