Today, I was jerking off when my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes… that I now have to explain to my wife. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, as I was feeling frisky, I started to jack off. I was about to come when my cat attacked my hand and nether regions under the blanket. I really got the pussy, didn’t I? FML
Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML
Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML
Today, I was laying on the couch when my cat decided to join. Instead of jumping, he opted to climb. While he was climbing, he put his paw on my junk and got his claws stuck there. He then tried to force them out, which hurt even more. It took almost a full minute to break him free. FML
Today, I had some unexpected alone time for the first time in months and decided to *ahem* play with an adult toy. As things were getting close to the end, my cat jumped up on the bed, saw the movement under the blanket and immediately pounced on my downstairs, puncturing certain delicate areas with his claws. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML
Today, I was messing with my cat by moving my hand around under the sheets to make it look like a mouse, making him pounce at it. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to scratch my nose and was immediately attacked by flailing claws. FML
Today, while I was at my girlfriend's house, I picked up her cat and held him like he was baby Simba. Apparently he didn't enjoy that, because he managed to somehow leap out of my hands and attach himself to my chest, claws extended. I now have four one-inch-long gashes on my chest. FML
Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML
Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw my cat in the bathtub while I was in it. I had to go to the emergency room to get my penis stitched up. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
MLK12345 4
????? If you're # 3 how did u see #5's post?
maiden_girl 5
LOL @#5. Why weren't you just having sex with your wife?
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (68)
maiden_girl 5
LOL @#5. Why weren't you just having sex with your wife?
00yoda4 0
WTF you're 3rd WTF's up with 5
MLK12345 4
????? If you're # 3 how did u see #5's post?
jacetopia96 1
what does this meeeannn????
Xylus 0
TIME PARADOX! *universe explodes*
n_clark57 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
kill the cat ditch the wife. find a girl who will touch your dick so her cat doesnt have to!
friedpwnadge 25
I guess he got lucky, there was a pussy on his dick even before he finished.
Aero_x 21
ok, wtf?!
y3y 0
XD #10
genericnickname 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
If she can have a "headache," so can you. Turn her down until it heals so she never has to know. Although, if you were jerking it, that's probably a non-issue so there's no reason she has to find out.
djskype 0
we learn from our mistakes
silentfirefly 0
That's pretty hilarious. Must have made sex impossibly painful for a while...
Cullens4Love 0
im sorry, but thats ****** hilarious. and, you have one friggen evil cat.
mizled 0
XD awesome #10
CDub7888 0
Ouch. But they say that chicks dig scars.
JapanMetalFan170 16
We do ;)
harshallmeim69 9
if you were a REAL metal fan you would know that the flaming guitar in your picture I'd a hollow body, which feedback like crazy if you add any sort of gain, therefore not being practical in a METAL situation
Sansational_ 18
I'm sorry, #15, but I actually lost my absolute shit laughing at your comment.
lmfp 0
umm, maybe just tell your wife that you were beating off and your cat scratched you?