Today, I found out that I owe my college a little over $10,000. Why? Because, due to a slight misspelling of my name, the scholarship that I have been going insane trying to meet the requirements for is not actually giving me any funding. FML
Today, on the bus, a delusional old man had an extremely long conversation with me, referring to me as "Leslie" and talking about "our childhood together". Not wanting to hurt his feelings I played along. At his stop he got up and grinned at me, saying "I'm kidding. I never knew a Leslie in my life. Nice rack." FML
Today, I was walking down the street, wearing nothing offensive, minding my own business, when a car drove past and threw something that hit me really hard in the back of my head. It was a Bible. FML
Today, my nose ring became a fish hook. What did I catch? My dog's harness. She nearly ripped it out of my face. FML
Today, I put on my new sexy lingerie to get my husband in the mood after work. When I walked into the kitchen where he was reading the newspaper, he eyed me and simply said, "Honey, please, your stomach is the biggest turnoff ever." FML
Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML
Today, I was feeling sick and fainted while teaching my kindergarten class. I came to when one boy poured a cup of water on my face. Three kids were crying into my walkie talkie, telling the office I was dead, and the rest of the class had disappeared. FML
Today, my ex-husband introduced our daughter to her "new mommy". That's the third time this year. FML
Today, I went to my Christian accountability partner from church to talk about continuing to maintain Christian values. We had sex. Oh, the irony. FML
Today, I missed my bus to the doctor's office for my scheduled pap test. I was so desperate, I called my deadbeat mom to ask for a ride. She said "Virgins don't need pap tests", laughed, then hung up on me. FML
Today, my boyfriend started coming onto me, despite me being on my period. He said it was okay, and we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread my legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy, I did. He then yelled, "I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA!" and broke down in laughter. FML
Today, I was starting my new job in the city. A man with a torn suit on came up to me and asks me for spare change. In a hurry to catch a taxi, I declined and rushed to catch one. At the office, my boss was late. About an hour later, I found out the man in the suit was my boss. He was attacked. FML
Today, my dad didn't mention he had just aired up the tire on my van and that it might have a hole in it. It wasn't flat when I left the house but it sure as hell was when it exploded, not even a mile down the road. FML
Today, I told my kids that our family dog was getting too fat and we should give him a little less food. My youngest daughter whispered to her sister, "Mommy's fat and we still give her food." FML
Today, my mom walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. Later, police turned up because mom thought she was underage. I had to desperately prove to some very angry officers that I met my girlfriend at university, and she’s almost a year older than I am. FML
Today, I gave a girl answers to a test. She said she would give me something pleasurable in return. She gave me a Twinkie, saying, "I know how much fat people love Twinkies." FML
Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him "The Fuckinator." FML
Today, I called my boyfriend crying to tell him I had the most terrible day. He said I should come over, and he would make me feel better. I said I just want to snuggle, and I was impressed with his sincerity. Then he said, "Can we snuggle... with my dick in you?" FML
Today, as I was building furniture at work, I managed to get my fingernails ripped off and the tips mauled while cutting the wood for a nightstand. As my I was getting bandaged, one of my bosses looked at me and simply asked, "Why'd you stop working?" FML
acf1233 tells us more.
acf1233 16
Wow. I didn't expect this to get published like at all but hey I guess it's an upside to the whole thing. This actually happened yesterday and there's a lot more to what happened then you can fit in an FML so here's the full story. I work at a furniture store where one of our major sellers is the old, rustic, farm style furniture. I've recently became the first stage guy, cutting the wood, putting the frames together, that kind of thing. On the thicker boards there's always a little bit of excess on the end when you cut them down with a table saw and this particular sliver decided to get caught in the saw, catch under my finger nails, and launch back ripping two of them off. My bosses where really caring about the whole thing. In fact the store is owned by my best friends parents so they're like family to me. The guy who asked me why I stopped working was just giving me a hard time like he always does so I'm not mad in the slightest. He was just being a good ol hard ass dad and it was actually kind of funny.
Today, at my new fast food job, I was in charge of filtering the grease out of the fryers. I accidentally turned the wrong lever and flooded the kitchen with hot oil. It took over 3 hours to clean up, and my manager is furious. FML
Punkpoptart1119 tells us more.
Hi! OP here. I honestly didn't think this would get posted so I'm pretty surprised. They gave me a super quick run down of what to do, then everyone left the kitchen. The front cash people don't know how to do it, so I was left alone. The good thing is, it could've been way worse. My manager said that if it had flooded on the top, the fryer could've caught fire, so at least it wasn't that. I was really upset so my manager told me to go outside and have a smoke while it was cleaned up. She got mad at the kitchen people for leaving me by myself and talked to me later on. She said that everyone makes mistakes and that it was okay. I had to filter the fryers the following night, but I made sure someone was with me so I didn't **** it up again. I still have a job! Thanks for all of your comments. A lot of them made me laugh and feel better about the situation.
Today, after months of planning the perfect night with my brother, who was coming home for two weeks from the military, he cancelled because he "missed his dog". FML
Today, my mom went to my dad's funeral as the Grim Reaper. Apparently, because they were both massive Terry Pratchett fans, they'd agreed whoever outlived the other had to go to the funeral as Death. No one else found it funny and more than a few swore to never speak to her again. FML
Today, during a layover between two flights, I managed to catch a shower. Too bad it was ginger ale and not water. FML
theamazingd tells us more.
Hi there! OP here. I bought the ginger ale before my first flight, and opened it in the second airport. I didn't realize that the turbulence we experienced would be enough to shake it that much. When I opened it to drink, it sprayed everywhere. My shorts were soaked, and my arms were covered. I went into the bathroom and cleaned up as best I could, but my shorts were still damp when I got on my second flight. Basically, I had a moment of absentmindedness that totally sucked. I won't be doing that again...
Today, after a long dry spell, my girlfriend started coming on to me in the living room early in the morning. Just as things were getting good, her toddler rushed in. Now she's crying in her room, and he won't stop sobbing and asking, "Why was your wee-wee in Mommy's mouth?" FML
Today, I asked about 30 students and 3 of my teachers to sign my yearbook. So far, only my math teacher agreed to write in it. He wrote, "You need to try harder next year." FML
Today, I was playing with my dog. His bouncy ball rolled under the couch, and I got on my hands and knees to get it. He decided it would be a good chance to hump the shit out of me. FML
Today, after my bank sent me a new card because the old one had been compromised, I woke up to find that it's already been used to start an Amazon Prime account and order several movies. The card to replace a compromised card has been compromised. FML
Today, after having sex, my girlfriend left my apartment after furiously ranting at me, because I made her come "too many times" and that it's "unfair" to her. What? FML
AllegroRubato tells us more.
Hey, OP here! So yeah, after the fact, I also figured that she felt inadequate, in an "it's unfair that I don't get to please you" kinda way, but it's confusing because it's not like I didn't ****** at all or anything. The way she reacted, though, was a bit over the top. We haven't been dating for that long, though so I'm confident these are just little bumps that we'll figure out on the march :) Haha, and thank you very much to all the lovely ladies who flatter me with their comments. Sadly, I'm gonna have to (very) regretfully decline for now, since I really, really like my gf--even if she does go crazy from time to time! :D
Today, while working as a massage therapist, a client had me work on a very specific knot in his shoulder. He also happened to have a very detailed, very realistic tattoo of the Crucifixion on his shoulder. I just spent 45 minutes violating Jesus. FML
Today, I bought a different car because I was having to constantly repair my old one. On the way home from the dealer, the check engine light came on. FML
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