Today, I had to explain to my boss that DVI ports are not the same as HDMI ports. When I showed him the HDMI cable, he said, "Oh! You mean USB!" He's an engineering manager. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 6 months was showing me his new phone. He accidentally opened his gallery, which contains 3 photos: one of his motorcycle, one of his new game console, and a naked photo of his ex. FML
Today, like every other day, my wife doesn't have time for sex because she's too busy on Facebook. Then she bitched me out because "we never have sex anymore." FML
Today, I received several pairs of panties in the mail that I'd ordered online. When I opened the box, I was shocked because every pair was basically huge granny-panties. I was sure none would fit properly, but I tried them on to be sure. They fit perfectly. FML
Today, my boss finally did something nice for me and bought me a coffee. By mistake I poured salt in it. To not be ungrateful, I drank it all in front of her. FML
Stillo tells us more.
Stillo 25
Hey guys, OP here. I'm quite surprised this was published, it happened on Saturday. It's a cleaning job that I am doing, my boss has been nagging me a lot, making me redo things (she is really a perfectionist!!) usually she isn't there when I clean, but she came Saturday to do some things in her clinic and she asked if I wanted a coffee, which I ofcourse said yes to. When she came with the coffee I tasted it quickly and it was quite bitter... So when she went to do something else quick, I kinda ran to the kitchen and got the sugar... At least it was in sugar thingy..., then I poured it in my coffee! And since I'm kinda a shy person I really couldn't tell her. Just had to pokerface through it... (Yes my stomach did hurt alittle after it!)
Today, I learned that, when you ask your girlfriend "Do you think we're having sex too often?" she might interpret it as, "I don't think we should have sex ever again," and entirely stop talking to you. FML
Today, I lost out on a job opportunity because the interviewer said my "fake fangs are unprofessional and frankly disturbing." The "fangs" are my real canines, and they have always looked this way. FML
Today, I discovered that most of my family is homophobic while discussing Orange Is The New Black. I've only come out to my sister. FML
Today, the guy I broke up with for not putting any effort into the relationship asked if he could make it up to me by taking me out to lunch. He stood me up. FML
Today, I greeted my girlfriend with a spinning hug. She got motion sickness and threw up all over me. FML
Today, I decided to break up with my boyfriend. The main reason being that he doesn't value my time, and fails to see how canceling at the last minute is rude and a major inconvenience. I wanted to be respectful enough by breaking things off face to face. He cancelled, at the last minute. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, I felt sick to my stomach, so I told my mother I didn't want to eat dinner. She started accusing me of being anorexic, so I ate a little bit anyway to make her stop. I then threw up, only for her to take it as confirmation that I have an eating disorder. FML
Today, my boyfriend freaked out at me because he found a couple of orange hairs in my bed and he knows my ex is a redhead. He also knows I have two orange cats. FML
Today, while at my job, a couple became angry with me because I charged them for an extra ranch they'd ordered, as I'm supposed to. When I explained how it says in the menu how any additional sauces are an extra charge, she said nastily, "That's okay, we'll just take it out of your tip". FML
Today, I was bored of doing nothing so I decided to take my 4-year-old brother and 3 of our dogs to a school playground nearby. When we got there, one of the four of them pooped in the field. It wasn't one of the dogs. FML
Today, my cat thought it was appropriate to bring a bird into the house at 4 a.m.; the bird thought it was appropriate to attack my mom. FML
Today, I politely asked a coworker to stop sticking his chewed-up gum to my desk. It's now 10:57 pm and my tires are slashed. FML
Today, I have food poisoning. My boss told me that if I didn't come into work, I'd be fired. Not 30 minutes after sitting down, I sneezed and shat my pants. My boss still won't let me leave. FML
Today, while walking alone through a sketchy neighbourhood after a party, I learned that I look too broke to even rob and "not worth the bother". Overhead from a guy waiting for me in a bush with a flashlight and his equally charming friend. FML
ramherr tells us more.
ramherr 11
Hi, OP here! I must say that I'm pleasantly surprised reading all these comments! A whole lot of you got humour too good to be true. Really brightens the day! Firstly no, I'm not complaining over not being mugged and that was not the intention of this FML, I simply think the fact that even muggers see someone as ''not worth the bother'' FML-worthy. But all and all I'd rather be seen as poor than stabbing material, all days of the week! To those of you wondering what I was wearing, it was a black tank top, jeans and a pair of shoes, nothing special.
Today, I fell in the shower and knocked myself out. When I came to I turned off the water and called my mom. She seemed more worried about the amount of water I "wasted" than she was about me. FML
Today, I was fired from job as a personal trainer. Why? Because I was working out with a friend while off-duty. Apparently, working out with a friend on a day off means I am training them under the table. FML
Today, as if having an old man shit on the floor of the busy restaurant I work at wasn't bad enough, my manager made a video commentating over the camera footage of me discovering said giant pile of shit, and shared it with the entire staff. This is going to haunt me forever. FML
StargazeKitsune tells us more.
Hey guys! OP here! So the burning question here is whether I had to clean it. I was *supposed* to help, but I gagged everytime I got within 10 feet of it, so I was spared for everyone else's sake. We didn't need two messes to clean...the video itself is a little embarrassing because I had literally NO idea what to do. (Never been trained in shit scenarios, surprisingly....), but everyone has good humor and their own horror stories to accompany it so it's pretty much like I've just become the weirdest celebrity ever. His commentary WAS really hilarious, though I'm not sure if he'll be posting the on Facebook or Youtube. He said he doesn't want one of his friends to see it and go "OH MY GOD THAT'S GRANDPA JIM!" But I have a feeling it'll still live in infamy for a while. Anyways, thanks for all the jokes guys! I've been laughing all day. I'll have to show this to everyone at work so they can get a kick out of it too. ;)
Today, I was talking to my friend, who was telling me he's having suicidal thoughts lately. He then said he'd be back in a few minutes. Nearly an hour passed. I panicked, thinking he'd offed himself. Several minutes after I called the emergency services, he messaged me, saying "K, back." FML
Today, my grandmother yelled at me for driving erratically. I was "driving" in a video game. FML
Paws_Cat tells us more.
Paws_Cat 29
I like how everyone assumes that I was playing Grand Theft Auto. I wasn't. Also, this got published fast! I was expecting it to be a day or something!
Today, a little girl from my Sunday School class approached me and told me she had a stomach ache. She seemed very upset and her face was discolored so I took her to the nurse. While we were walking out the door, I looked down and saw a half-eaten crayon on the floor. That'll do it. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he's prepared to commit to marriage, but only if I buy my own ring and tell everyone he surprised me with it. FML
Today, I was on a date with a girl and everything was going great. As I took her back to her house and walked her to her door, I leaned in for a kiss. She seemed to really enjoy it, so I went for another but as I leaned in again, I sneezed uncontrollably, shooting her face with saliva and snot. FML
Today, I sneezed and ended up in the emergency room. How? Apparently the sneeze dislodged a kidney stone that is now slowly, painfully working its way from my kidney to my bladder so that I can piss it out. FML
work_while_bent tells us more.
Yes, my wife made sure to tell me that about a dozen times.
Today, while my in-laws were visiting, my two-year old accidentally pushed the door wide open while I was sitting on the toilet. My mother-in-law laughed, took out her cell phone, snapped a picture of me, and posted it on Facebook for everyone in our family to see. FML
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