The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like cuddling in bed because he hates rebreathing his own carbon dioxide. FML

Today, I went to a restaurant and asked for vegetarian options. They told me, "We have a chicken Caesar salad, will that work?" FML

Thanks, random stranger

Today, an old man approached me at work. I smiled and asked, "Hi, can I help you"? He looked at me for a few seconds before replying, "Fuck me, you need to lose some weight!" and then wandering off. FML

Weirdo

Today, I forbade a student in the writing seminar I instructed from continuing to present his disturbing poems about demons. He responded to this by convincing nearly every other student in the seminar to write and read out loud several of his poems. FML

Today, it's April Fool's day. I had to take a CPR class, and everything was going well. We took a break and I went to get a drink of water and started choking. They thought I was making fun of the class, and made me leave. FML

Today, I made out with a boy for the first time. I belched into his mouth. FML

Today, my fiancé freaked when he noticed the tattoo on my wrist, and demanded to know when I got it. It was two years before we even started dating. FML

Living free

Today, I had to listen to my grandma talk about how she's "allergic" to toilet paper, and how she lets nature "take care of it". FML

Mob rule

Today, during family therapy, the therapist asked if I believe I'm a good parent/husband. When I said yes, my two sons, my daughter, and even my wife very passionately disagreed. FML

Today, I lost all of my male friends at work. Why? The new girl has my same interests and a prettier face. FML

Hostus mostus

Today, I was having a dinner party. My guests were getting along really well. I mean, really well; it turns out they all went to the same high school. For the next five hours, I hosted a high school reunion for a school I didn't even go to, in my own home. FML

Today, I went to a job interview, and my father in law's house. As soon as I got home I went to the bathroom and noticed my bloody pantyliner had fallen out at one of these places. I don't know which one is worse. FML

Today, I was told at my babysitting job that I can't bring my toddler with me. My employer is my best friend. Now I have to find a babysitter for my kid if I want to babysit hers. FML

Today, I got stopped by people asking for donations for their charity services. Being who I am, I hate saying no to people, so I told them, "I don't have any money, only my card." Did you know they also accept payment by card? FML

Today, my mother gave me hell for my "video game addiction". The "game" in question? A professional flight simulator program that I'm using to complement my flight school lessons. FML

Today, I had to skip lunch to work on a big project, so I stopped by a vending machine. The number I wanted was 126, but I accidentally typed 124, using my last dollar. 124 was the only empty row. FML

Today, it was still easier for me to get an engineering PhD than it is to get a girlfriend. FML

Clueless

Today, I went to an important job interview, only to be told I'm not what such a "prestigious" company was looking for. This from a pimply-faced 20-something who took a personal call on speakerphone mid-interview, and actually said "LMAO" out loud at his friend's joke. FML

Today, my laziness hit a new low when I tried closing my bedroom door using my mind. FML

Today, I woke up to "we're leaving". I'm now homeless because my Dad and his girlfriend got into an argument over toilet paper. FML

Monolith

Today, I accidentally posted an extensive, negative review of the gynecologist I visited earlier this week. I messed up and posted it from my work's customer service email, so now it looks like the large, well-known company I work for had a poor gynecological experience. FML

Learning curve

Today, I found out my husband potty trained my stubborn three year-old son who prefers diapers. He managed this by peeing with him and "sword-fighting" with their urine streams. I now have to clean pee off the ground every time he urinates. FML

Working here sucks

Today, while at work, a customer refused to speak louder, despite me asking her to do it several times. As a result, I took her order incorrectly. The customer then finally decided to raise her voice, but only to yell at me about my poor listening skills. FML

Today, some well-meaning soul told me to just pray my depression away, which would be about as effective as praying away a knife in my shin. FML

Today, I had the most excitement I have felt in the last two months when I went to a drugstore and they had my favourite bandaids. FML

Today, I googled for an hour how to open my CD player on my laptop. Turns out, there is none. They just put a space there to make it look like a CD player. FML

Today, a woman yelled at me for holding a door open for her. FML

Come again?

Today, I emotionally confessed my feelings to the guy I like. His English isn't that good, so he asked me to repeat myself several times. He ended up saying no. FML

Today, I got hit by a car. Not a real one, though; my sister thought it would be funny to take her RC car and smash it over my head as hard as she could. FML

Today, my neighbor at my apartment building told me water from my sink was leaking into his apartment. He told me to call maintenance to fix it, but they won't help unless he calls. He refuses to, and I can't do my dishes without feeling like an asshole. FML