Today, for the first time in weeks, my wife felt frisky, and we started fooling around. Half-way through undressing me, she bolted out, claiming she had the shits. About five minutes later, she tearfully called out from the bathroom, begging me to bring her a fresh roll of toilet paper. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend and I had the day off so we agreed fun by having the "afternoon in". In bed, that is. We got in bed, clothes off, and started to touch each other when she held her gut and yelled, "Oh shit! Oh shit! I have to shit!" She did a poop that came out like a waterfall. Diarrhea ended our fun. FML
Today, my wife dragged me to the bathroom, promising to "show something hot." Not that I was in the mood, but okay. She took off her pants, sat on a toilet, and demanded that I tell her about my day. She wanted me to entertain her while she was taking a dump. FML
Today, I was on a hot date. After we finished supper, we went back to his place. My stomach started to feel upset, so I politely asked where the bathroom was so I could "powder my nose;" After ten minutes of agonizing diarrhea, I looked down and noticed he was out of toilet paper. FML
Today, I was in the mood for morning sex, but my wife told me to go wank it off in the bathroom. Three minutes later I was mid-wank when she started banging on the door because I was taking too long, and she needed to pee. FML
Today, at the end of another long workday, my husband announced that he was going to take a shower. Attempting to rekindle some much needed romance in our lives, I seductively asked him, "Want me to join you?" He replied, "Sure. But first I have to poop." FML
Today, I went to change the toilet paper roll. I failed. It was the last roll of the "right kind," and my wife is "fine" and "not mad." Let the confinement continue. FML
Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely any toilet paper left, I texted my husband to buy some more and rush home. He replied, "Sorry babe, getting shitfaced with the lads. Get it? 'Shitfaced'. LOL!" and stopped replying to my desperate pleas. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try a new place to eat. On our way home we both had upset stomachs. As we raced into the house we realized neither of us could hold it any longer. Having only one bathroom, I let her go first. She exploded on the toilet and I exploded in my pants. FML
Today, my wife made a joke about the size of my package, so figuring all's fair in love and war, I bought some laxatives to prank her with. They took a lot longer to work than I thought, and I ended up lying in bed, listening to my wife shitting her guts out in the bathroom for over an hour. FML
Today, my husband and I were just about to have sex. The last few months have been a shitstorm of stress, personal tragedy, financial crises, and family drama. When we finally got a moment to ourselves, I was struck with a literal shitstorm in the form of agonizing diarrhea. It’s been two hours now. FML
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Top comments
Artsygirl90 14
If that's not sexy, I don't know what is.
slayertack 19
She wants the TP.
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Comments (92)
Artsygirl90 14
If that's not sexy, I don't know what is.
wlddog 14
If you can't handle the little woman going to the bathroom, you don't need to be married.
perdix 31
#1, I never knew what kind of person would be into bumpkins, Cleveland Steamers, Dirty Sanchezes, etc. Well, now, I do! You're pretty cute-looking for a scat-freak.
perdix 31
*blumpkins. Back off, auto-correct!
perdix 31
#55, yes, don't look them up in Urban Dictionary, you'll be less of a person if you do. Trust me, ignorance of these terms is preferable to knowledge.
doctorhook86 25
1: I lol'd in public because of this. Please note that you rock.
Lovebunny21 6
That's ****** up
dalink 24
Urine helicopter.
Hypertudism 15
Time for a flesh light.
slayertack 19
She wants the TP.
zebraumicornz 6
She chose the TP instead if the D
chlorinegreen 27
Yes because everyone has complete control over there bowel movements, especially when it turns to liquid... #sarcasm
AssTard 15
24- #Keep it on Twitter...
Kilv 13
Dont forget #instagram
chlorinegreen 27
Obviously I'm not on twitter (don't have one) or instigram (don't really care for that either) would you rather me to just say "what I just said right there is sarcasm"? Thought what I did was easier for you to get the hint without me having to drag it out. Not start a battle with other people because I put a number symbol next to a word.
hannaaaahr 33
61 - if you do it right you don't even have to point out that you're being sarcastic. And I honestly rather have you point out that you where being sarcastic than by using hashtags, it's just stupid.
Voij 16
You could've also gone with /sarcasm, sarcasm-off, <-- sarcasm, or other similar things. What you did is actually similar to someone who is offered a once-in-a-lifetime chance, thinks it over and then yells "YOLO", instead of saying something like "carpe diem", or that you'd regret it more if you didn't take this chance. You could have meant either of these, but by yelling "YOLO" you simply went the wrong way in expressing it.
Kingbreezy04 10
Iagree# KeepThatShitOnTwitter#EvenIfItsSarcastic#NoTwitter#NoInstagram #NoTumblr#ThenHowDoYouKnowAboutHastsgs#
btstig 11
Probably because Facebook is ate up with the hash tag bullshit now.
DutchBasterd 15
I'm the great cornholio! do you've got TP for my bonghole?
Kingbreezy04 10
Since your not from America I'm assuming you don't know Bevis and Butthead isn't relevant anymore. Here to help when I can.
nia96_fml 8
Reminds me of that scene in the change up...but hey, duty calls
jonathan_kraft 14
Damm bro mood killer im weak
XxDevilxXGt 26
I'm not sure your lack of strength has any relation to OP missing sex.
CharresBarkrey 16
Can someone translate this please?
Kingbreezy04 10
I would be happy to translate. "Darn friend, I wouldn't be able to do that because of my inability to stay aroused due to my partners sudden bowl movement. My strength isn't on par with most of the people in society when another person deposits fecal matter into a commode." Scene.....
jlolig 8
Better it happen before you got started than during
igive 29
Like the ending scene in "Miss March."
bluxie 4
...
sum42guy2k 6
That's just shitty
oj101 33
That's just so overused!
Phoebe_Buffay 14
Hahahahahahaha no.
AssTard 15
10- Not only is that comment overused, your comment to the overused comment is overused.
poccocurantes 7
Should have just said Call of Doodie.
samcro3 8
Still gotta hit it. Last chance you may get for a while.
TheNewGuy03 29
Actually, chances are high that the wife would just tell you to, well, scat.
mpj13 8
Sounds like a shi.. Haha no could you imagine?